Episode 103: The half-alien first officer explains that because of his different cultural background, he experiences the world differently than the captain does. The captain becomes upset—“I didn’t join Space Force so people could lecture me with this political correctness!”—and makes him leave the bridge. While this discussion is distracting everyone, the ship flies into an asteroid and everyone aboard is killed.
Episode 104: The science officer very carefully explains—using a holographic presentation and small, simple words—that diverting all power from the life support to the Space Drive will kill everyone on the ship. The captain gives the order anyway. Everyone on board is, as predicted, killed.
Episode 105: The captain randomly reassigns the ship’s doctor to become head of engineering, because he places no value on expertise. No one knows what they are doing and the second there is a problem, the ship explodes and everyone on board is killed.
Episode 107: One of the women complains about the low-cut, skimpy uniform Space Force obliges her to wear. No one listens to her and nothing changes.
Episode 109: A planet is being slowly suffocated by its own atmosphere. All the scientists on the planet have suggested a simple step that will prevent this from occurring and the planet’s leader beseeches the captain to help. “Ah, but what if it’s not?” the captain asks. The planet implodes, also destroying the ship in the process.
Episode 201: The ship is charged with brokering peace in an interplanetary dispute that has raged for centuries. Space Force is supposed to transport an aging diplomat who has made the study of this controversy his life’s work and who alone possesses the rare cultural artifact that will help settle their enmity. But the captain’s son suggests that he could do it equally well, probably, because he once saw a video about it, so they put him in charge instead. It does not go well. In the B Plot, the ship gets destroyed.
Episode 301: The ship receives a distress signal from a planet in crisis. The ship ignores it. “We have enough of our own problems,” the captain points out.
Episode 304: The captain is given access to a new, planet-destroying weapon. Everyone advises him not to use it because the carnage will be unthinkable, but he thinks it might be cool just to see what it does. The entire bridge crew resigns in protest. He uses it. The carnage is unthinkable.
Episode 310: The entire crew is replaced with children. No one notices.
Episode 401: The ship flies through a wormhole into a Mirror Universe where they all have beards. Everything is incredibly well run, and the work environment is warm and respectful. They figure out a way to return things to normal, but nobody wants to go back, so they pretend they didn’t.
Episode 405: The captain is stranded on a planet with people who speak only in metaphors. He becomes frustrated with them and shoots them. They were trying to warn him of a danger threatening his ship, and when he zooms back aboard, the ship instantly explodes.
March 14, 2018
Welcome to AP U.S. History! Everyone Say Hi to the Tank and the 150 Heavily Armed Men.
In the wake of another shooting, someone came up with the glorious idea that teachers could earn bonuses by toting concealed weapons into their classrooms. Indeed! Schools have been soft targets too long. Below, words from a pioneer of the program.
NO, CHARISSE, YOU CANNOT GO to the bathroom; the armed escort is still in there with Tim.
I also have some personal news: To receive a bonus, which I sorely require, I am carrying a concealed firearm in a pocket holster, which is why my cardigan is draped in such an unusual manner today, and it’s also why, when I tripped and dropped the box of pencils that I paid for out of my own pocket because our supplies budget was cut, I clutched my hip and screamed, “OH GOD, NO!” I promise that this will not happen again. I am going to get comfortable with the new requirements for being a teacher, because I think what I do is important, and because the man with strong muscular arms and impeccable aim who would replace me thinks the Trent Affair is something you have outside your marriage with the lead singer of Nine Inch Nails. Ha ha, dating myself there.
The reason I have written “execrable debacle” on the board is because those are two SAT words I would like for you to learn. No other reason. I am sorry that you only get half a textbook; I tried to suggest that those should be a budget priority, but it did not fly. But we did receive funds so that Ms. Clifford—the art teacher—could get three weeks of boot camp and six pistols, and so that a man can stand outside the auditorium with a rocket launcher.
We will not have any active-shooter drills because the president thinks they are demoralizing, unlike the conditions in which I am now going to attempt to teach you about the liberties we hold dear—oh God, what’s happening? Oh sure, Tony, I guess it must be hot in the tank. You go ahead and open that top up. I just got a little startled, but it’s fine, we’re fine. Hoo boy. Okay. We’re fine. We’re fine. Everyone’s fine.
To the members of the security team: You are welcome to take the final, but when I call on people, I am going to prioritize current students.
And remember, we’re here to learn! Think of this as a fun mnemonic for the Bill of Rights. When you look around at what we are being asked to do here rather than attempt any sort of
