You have changed your route to work so that you do not have to pass the stone men with their open, screaming mouths.
Yesterday half your comrades were ordered to shout “Smile!” at the Woman Who Is Walking.
And the woman did. Too wide.
So wide that her mouth engulfed the street and became a vast cavern.
Six of your friends were devoured.
You could hear the unladylike slurping sounds from blocks away as you beat a hasty retreat between the Scylla of the Woman Who Has Put Her Bag Next to Her on a Bar Stool and the Charybdis of the Woman Who Is Just Jogging.
You did not attempt to speak to either of them.
They passed you.
You were left unscathed.
But that was before they came to your apartment and gave you the orders.
So here you are.
It has come to this.
You are about to talk to the Woman in Headphones.
My God, I pity you.
You are close now. Almost in range.
Before the Woman and behind her the ground is littered with shoes and hats and pick-up manuals and AXE body spray.
She sits patiently gnawing on a thigh bone.
You do not think she is single or looking.
You cannot make out the words she is listening to.
You know how this will go.
You know what the headphones mean.
You know what will happen when you ask her to remove the headphones.
August 30, 2016
Part VIFINALLY, WE HEAR FROM MEN, MEASLES, AND A PIGEON
OH NO! I HAVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE! I HAVE not exposed you to a sufficient diversity of viewpoints, which has been quite naughty of me! Indeed, I have been doing the unthinkable all this time, for this whole book. I have not let you hear from Men! I have, but I have not done so exclusively, which is also a very bad form of oppression. Although it is always unfair to speak broadly of an entire set of people, I do not think it is inaccurate to assert that Gentlemen have a Lot to Say, and that all of it is Good and Worth Hearing! If a Gentleman is even briefly asked to hold his peace, it is a country-ruining mistake, up with which we must not put. Oh, forgive me! Forgive me! Please, feast your eyes on all of these wise things, a broad range of remarks from the very finest male minds, a wide diversity of opinions from many wise and temperate men, and also a pigeon and a measles germ!
Please Stop Vaccinating Your Children. I Want to Go to Disneyland.
ARE YOU THINKING OF VACCINATING YOUR KIDS?
I wish you wouldn’t.
I know what you’re going to say. “You’re a measles germ. You’re biased.”
But maybe you’re the one who’s biased. Ever thought about that?
I see your charts. I hear you calling the resurgence of measles “devastating.” That’s hurtful.
“There’s more measles now,” you say. “That is a bad thing.” Maybe it’s a bad thing. Or maybe it’s a GREAT thing. Maybe a beautiful specimen that was hunted almost to extinction is making a surprise comeback, and you should be a little more supportive!
I mean, when someone hunts down all the spotted owls you’re like “Oh, boo hoo, we’re wiping out a species, waaah, conservation, blaaah”—but suddenly it’s okay to destroy measles and its whole microbial culture and you’re all congratulating yourselves? Do you see the inconsistency here? Come on.
I think there are two sides to this issue, and it is important that we hear both of them out.
After all, you’ve heard Jenny McCarthy on this issue, and she is definitely a human person, not a large number of measles viruses cleverly disguised as a human person by standing on each other’s porous membranes under a big coat. The idea that she is not a human person is completely ridiculous. It is just another lie spread by scientists, like the idea that having measles is somehow “bad” or “lesser” than not having measles. But just so we’re clear: Jenny is definitely one of you. Would talented human actor Donnie Wahlberg kiss a bunch of measles viruses? I rest my case.
“You should be exterminated,” you are saying. You know who else said that? Don’t make me say it. He had a mustache.
I know there are scientists saying things like “YOU NEED TO GET VACCINATED.”
I’m like, “Whoa, scientists! Cool your jets!” I think we can all agree this is no time for panic. Maybe vaccination is completely safe and keeps you from catching diseases and maybe there are lots of facts that support that, but maybe we’re all putting too much emphasis on facts and not enough emphasis on Anecdotal Feelings That Some Parents Told This One Doctor About.
In that same article, doctors call people who don’t get vaccines “stupid.” That sounds like bullying to me. These “doctors” sound less like medical professionals and more like MEANIES. And I don’t listen to MEANIES. Do you?
Sure, the connection between autism and vaccines has been disproved by science, but you know what else has been disproved by science? Dragons. And who wants to live in a world without those? Not me(asle). These are the same scientists who say that having measles, mumps, or rubella is bad. And we know that’s not true. Some of my best friends are rubella viruses, and they are delights to be around. I think if you took the time to get to know rubella, you would see how wrong you are. (Mumps can be a drag, though. I’ll give you that.)
Besides, you let chicken pox and the flu just ROAM FREE among you. You even have a season where you celebrate flu and pass it around to all your family members. And suddenly MEASLES is the villain here? Um, prejudice, much?
People are even saying that they don’t want measles in Disneyland. Excuse me, but the last time I checked, Disneyland was a dreamworld of magic that welcomed EVERYONE, and your narrow-minded judgments have no place there. I’ve never been, myself, but it’s on my bucket list. Frankly, I do not
