Listen, the science on vaccination is very, very unsettled. Super unsettled. I bet if the Senate voted on the science of vaccinations right now, they would be about split down the middle. That’s how unsettled it is. People who believe in vaccines probably think that Earth is more than 6,000 years old or that evolution is some kind of weird conspiracy, and, hey, I’m pretty sure there is room for discussion on both of those, and we should have a full debate. Debates are good. The more debates the better, I, a measles germ, say.
January 22, 2015
Sorry, I Obey the Billy Graham Rule
A wise Mississippi gubernatorial candidate refused to allow a female journalist to join him in his truck, on the grounds that he obeyed the Billy Graham Rule—a wise and correct prohibition on ever being alone at any time with a woman who is not your wife, whose necessity is explained below.
NO! NO! I CANNOT BE alone with a woman! Please! I beg of you!
Nothing will happen, of course. I hope. I pray. But please, let us not test it! My truck, my rules. I took a vow.
You do not know what I will become! You have not seen the horror that I struggle at all times to contain.
If you were in a situation where you had to move a cabbage, a fox, a woman, and myself across a river, I would beg you: Take them, take them and go! Leave me alone on the shore, where I can do no harm. Build a tower around me. Let thorny vines grow up all around it, until it is obscured from view. Forget the location of the tower. Burn all maps containing it. Then, only then, can women be truly safe.
Oh, this curse, this curse! I cannot bear it.
What I would give to look at a woman and see a person. I am told that is what others see. If only—if only—
You understand, I have this horrible condition. I have had it for years. I am incapable of seeing women as people. It used to be possible to get by in political life in this country with this condition. You would just move around a smoky room, speaking only to men, and you could have a nice career. But now, oh, these things, these things are everywhere. Holding elected office, performing jobs, playing soccer! You must understand my agony when I behold this. So much good meat, delicious meat, wonderful meat—
It is with difficulty that I shamble into the company of people every day. It is with difficulty that I convince people that I am, after all, a human being, not a wild animal, the mad, helpless victim of an uncontrollable lust. I cannot, I dare not—oh, it is with difficulty that I write these words now, knowing a woman may read them. The mere thought of my words moving before her unprotected eyes sends me into a frenzy. Ffffffft rrrrrrrrr graaarrrfll rrrrrr.
No women in the truck!
My truck is my sanctum sanctorum, my place of rest and quietness. But it is a struggle. Once a leaf landed on the window that looked like a woman’s profile, and I had to brake abruptly. Someone left a file folder with suggestive curves on the passenger seat, and I nearly drove off the road. I saw a picture of Hillary Clinton on a roadside billboard and I had to pull over immediately. Such is my struggle. I am scarcely fit for human company.
If you know of anyone who can break this curse, oh, what a relief it would be. My wife, too, could be alone with people! We would both be free from this agony. But as it is, I am a wolf bundled in an ill-fitting button-down shirt. I am a wild beast. I am a pestilence. Perhaps, in fact, I should not go out in public at all.
Do not let me out of the house! Or if I am so honored to be elected by you the people, the governor’s mansion!
July 11, 2019
I Am a State Legislator and I Am Here to Substitute-Teach Your Biology Class
HI KIDS! I’M A STATE LEGISLATOR—male, naturally—but really, at heart, I am an expert on the female body. You may know me from some of my work in Georgia, Alabama, and Ohio.
Ms. Roberts is out today, so I am here to cover the basics of reproductive anatomy. Which, again, I am expert in.
I am very excited to teach you about the reproductive system. We see here on this chart a body with a womb. The amazing thing about this body is that, unlike your body, which contains a person 100 percent of the time—you!—it only contains a person SOMETIMES.
One of the most common misconceptions people have about women, especially at your age, is that they are people. The idea that women are people is actually a relatively recent innovation, but my extensive knowledge of science—I once heard Ben Shapiro lecture!—reveals that actually they are vessels that may potentially contain people. Like a decorative fish tank, right after you have put the little diver in, but before there is water.
This is the womb. When a woman becomes hysterical, it wanders about the body. A woman is often hysterical, as when she shouts at you that this is not valid science. In such cases just say, “Lady-part, lady-part, fly away home!” and wait for it to return to its home (you will know that it has returned when she is finally, blessedly, silent). The womb is the only part of a woman that counts.
The female also possesses something that looks almost like a mouth, and something that looks almost like a brain, which some suggest it uses to attempt rudimentary communications; we have discovered writings and recordings made by females, but we have yet to decode them or, indeed, determine whether
