“Okay, Beard retract,” said Bab, and the Beard Quilt shrank back onto his chin. “She’s seen us, Prong. Might as well hover up in front of her so we can chat.”
The Ibis Mummy swooped in. Pressing a hairy finger to her nose, the Unpharaoh blasted a lightning bolt their way but Prong dodged aside. She flapped up to the Unpharaoh’s terrible spiky form – near, but not too near.
“Hey, Unpharaoh,” Bab said to the hairy head. “Say, did you forget your mop handle?”
The sorceress didn’t respond to Bab’s insult. She was focused on someone else. She gave a great shudder as her scarlet eyes fixed on Prof Sharkey.
“Shoshan,” she hissed. “At last you find the courage to confront me face to face. Face to new face, I see.”
“Your face is new too, Andica,” said the Prof. “It’s, er, very flattering, by the way.”
“Totally,” Scaler agreed flatly. “Which salon do you visit to get your face shampooed?”
The Unpharaoh sneered at Prof Sharkey. “You can try and hide, sister, but I will recognise you no matter which hideous face you choose.”
“You should have seen her as a camel,” honked Prong. “She looked so pretty!”
“We’re just here to talk, Unpharaoh,” Bab said. “I’m sure we can work this out so everybody leaves happy.”
Cainus trembled. He was clearly just as afraid of Bab as he was of his mistress, who was still attached to his chin. “Um, Your Prickliness,” he coughed. “They are a raggedy assortment, but it might be worth hearing what they have to say. Before you go on killing every person in the city, I mean.”
“Why should I pause the killing, Cainus?” she croaked. “I must be in charge.”
“It’s just that if you continue like this, there’ll be nobody left to be in charge of.”
“Precisely,” she cackled. “The people of today’s world have made it clear they will not acknowledge me as number one.”
“That’s the problem, Andica,” Bab said, “they’ll never acknowledge you. It doesn’t matter how much chaos you cause. So you might as well stop now.”
The Unpharaoh sucked in a rattling breath. “Your logic does not hold, Bab Sharkey. But mine does.”
Prof Sharkey scratched at her wiry hair. “What exactly is your logic, Andica?”
“It is clear and simple,” replied the Unpharaoh. “The only way to be the number one person in the world . . . is to be the only person in the world.”
Bab clenched his fists. “You mean to destroy every living being?” he said. “Except yourself?”
The Unpharaoh shook her prickly head. It made a rustling sound as the bristles brushed together. “Not every living being,” she replied. “Only the people. As you know, I’m terribly fond of animals. See there?”
She gestured to the museum. Its giant doors were closed to block out the invaders, but in front of the doors was an arched entryway. Inside the entryway huddled many street cats, dogs and rats, quivering. They had been herded in there by the Animal Mummies.
“Those animals will make the perfect slaves for later,” the Unpharaoh explained. “I shall be the last person on earth, and I shall mummify all the animals of the world so they obey my every command. This will become the planet of the Animal Mummies!”
Bab, Scaler, Prong and Prof Sharkey were speechless.
She’s gone completely bananas, Bab thought.
Cainus spoke up instead. “That does sound rather wonderful, Your Planet-y Majesty. Do I get to be in charge of all the Jackal Mummies?”
“Naturally, Cainus.”
He stuck his tongue out and panted, like an excited puppy waiting for a ball to be thrown.
Bab took a breath to calm his thundering heart. “Andica,” he said, “let us help you. We can find a way to make you happy without destroying everyone in the world.”
The Unpharaoh scoffed. “My plan goes even further than that, you false Pharaoh.”
Bab frowned. “Further than destroying everyone in the world?”
“Follow me and you shall see.”
She turned and smashed the doors of the Egyptian Museum to splinters with her thorny fists. Four hairy tentacles extended from her. They wrapped around Bab, Prong, Scaler and the Prof, yanking them all down to earth.
“Elephant Mummies!” the Unpharaoh hollered. “Guard the entrances until we return. I intend to enjoy this work, and do not wish to be disturbed.”
Trumpeting their agreement, all the Elephant Mummies galloped over and arranged themselves around the reddish-pink building.
And so, with the museum surrounded by living mummies, the Unpharaoh swept inside to visit the dead ones.
The Unpharaoh led Bab and his gang into the Egyptian Museum, leading them along with the hairy tentacles. Cainus had no choice but to come along too, dragged by the chin.
“Don’t worry,” Prong assured the street cats and dogs as they passed by. “Bab will fix everything.”
The Egyptian Museum’s halls were bursting with ancient artefacts. Statues, sarcophagi, trinkets and treasures took up every conceivable space beneath the old columns and arches. All the visitors had long since run away, leaving the old building oddly quiet.
One of the staff was still here, though.
A bald, round little man stormed up to the Unpharaoh. “How dare you attack our museum, you hairy hooligan!” he snapped.
Bab and Prof Sharkey recognised the man as one of the museum curators. “Careful, Zahi,” Bab warned him. “Best let her pass for now.”
“Never,” Zahi snapped. “I will defend the priceless treasures of this museum until my dying breath!”
“Then do so,” croaked the Unpharaoh. She clamped her spiky hands around a statue of the Pharaoh Khafra and ripped its stone head clean off. “Never could stand Khafra, you know. Always prancing about the Afterworld, boasting about the size of his pyramid.”
She opened her vast, hairy mouth and . . .
Chhromf!
She chewed Khafra’s stone head into gravel with her horn-fangs.
Chhromf, Chhromf, Chhromf!
The Unpharaoh turned back to Zahi, who was now sweating in terror. “Now,” she said, “I wonder what your head tastes like?”
Zahi bolted. “I have decided not to defend the priceless treasures of this museum!” he declared as he fled.
The Unpharaoh
