Before he can say another word, I shut the door, and then lock it. Sliding down onto the floor, I place both of my hands on my head, as the overwhelming sense of loneliness washes through me. As tears begin to pool in my eyes, I let myself wallow in the pain of losing him.
I won’t be with someone that refuses to be honest with himself. Yes, I should’ve known from the very beginning that our road was going to end up here, but I really thought things had changed between us. I thought whatever demons that have been holding him back wouldn’t be the reason for all of this.
But I was wrong.
Turns out, I was the biggest fool for falling for Sebastian Matvei.
Three weeks later
Knocking on the door, I wait for either Viktor or Ava to answer. Once I get the okay, I peek my head inside, and then walk into the hospital room. Grinning, once I see Ava holding little Alexei, I wave to Viktor, sitting beside them.
“He’s beautiful,” I quietly say, hoping not to wake the little guy.
When I got the call early this morning that Ava was going into labor, my first reaction was excitement. I knew Ava was feeling a bit miserable, and she was ready for him to get here. On the other hand, I was nervous coming here, because I just knew Sebastian would be here.
It’s been a rough three weeks.
I’ve tried to move on and forget he ever existed. I’ve tried not to remember all the times, when we were together, and how good it was to have him in my life. I’ve tried to push away my feelings for him, pretending I’m not still hurting. It’s difficult to say the least, having to see him every night at work, and acting like I’m fine. It was even harder to keep up the façade, when I saw him at Gabbie’s birthday party, smiling and laughing with her and Nikolai. It’s hard to look Ava, Viktor, or even Kendra in the eyes and not fall apart. Somehow, I’ve done a good job at convincing them all that I’m fine, but the truth is, I feel like I lost a part of myself.
“Do you want to hold him?” Ava asks, and I’m grateful for the distraction.
“Uh, okay,” I say, unsure about this. He looks so small and fragile, but I don’t get a chance to change my mind. Ava hands him over, like he’s not the most breakable thing in the world.
I awkwardly hold him at first, because what the hell do I know about babies? But the more I get used to his weight, and the longer I stare at his tiny hands, something changes. I hold him closer, actually enjoying the feel of him in my arms. He wiggles around some, but I start to hum, and he quickly stops, falling deeper into sleep. I even begin to sway gently, unable to keep my eyes off him.
I missed the chance to do this when Nikolai was born, so now, I’m glad I’m here, experiencing this beautiful moment with my best friend. Glancing up, Ava smiles, as Viktor holds her hand. They both seem blissfully happy, and I know it’s because of this little guy I’m holding.
And then, it hits me.
It’s a sensation I’ve never felt before, and at first, I frown at the feeling. Looking back down at Alexei, I realize what it is that I’m sensing. It’s a longing for this happiness I’m becoming aware of. What would it be like to have something so precious for myself? How amazing would it be to love someone so unconditionally, and they love me back the exact same way?
I’ve never thought much about having kids of my own, because I didn’t think that I’d be good at it. My mother sure hasn’t given me anything to make me think I could be a good mom, but that still doesn’t stop the longing for it. It’s sort of crazy that I’m suddenly having baby fever, but I don’t mind it actually. I’ll just blame Alexei and how cute he is.
I’m not sure how long I hold him, or how long I stand there just gazing at him. Honestly, I feel as though I could do this all day, and then be just fine with it.
But the spell is broken, as I hear the door to Ava’s room open. At first, I don’t glance up towards it, thinking it’s just a nurse coming to check on her, but then, I feel it.
The sense of being watched, and an all too familiar hum flows through me.
Without looking up, I already know who just walked into the room.
Unable to help myself, I glance up, finding his gaze already on me. My heart jumps, seeing him, even though I literally just saw him last night at the club. However, my body has yet to get the memo that I’m done with him. No matter how many times I remind myself that it’s done and over with, I still want him.
I still need him.
The moment between us seems to stand still, as I continue to hold Alexei. Sebastian doesn’t make a move to come further into the room, nor does he utter a word. It’s like he’s frozen in place, but I don’t understand why. All I do know is, my feelings for him haven’t changed. If anything, they’re stronger now than they ever were. Is it because I’ve realized he’ll never want me, so I’m just chasing the dream?
Alexei lets out a small whine, and I instantly glance down, making sure he’s alright. When he does it again, I look at Ava, as she says, “He’s getting hungry.”
Walking to her, I hand him over, as a wave of sadness rushes through me. It’s strange, but then again, as I was holding him, I felt … okay. Now that my distraction is gone, I feel it all again. All
