“I can’t stay,” I say.
“Alice, please.” Hudson takes my hand. “I feel like we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. I haven’t seen you much since…that happened. I really need to talk.”
“No, I really can’t.” I shake my head and turn to leave.
“You don’t have any more classes today, Alice. You’re just avoiding me,” he says. The desperation in his voice makes me sick to my stomach. Against my better judgement, I turn around and sit down across from him.
“Thank you,” he says, picking up my hand and kissing the back of it. As if he’s some sort of servant. As if I’m some sort of princess.
“What do you want to talk about?” I ask. My voice is distant and austere. I’m trying to make it as impersonal as possible. As if that can save me.
“Us,” he says. This time, his eyes twinkle. The light washes over my body as if it’s my conscience making me feel even more horrible than I already do. I wait for him to continue. I’m afraid that I’m going to start crying if I utter even a word. My throat closes up from the pain and my mouth runs dry.
“I’m so, so sorry about everything that happened, Alice,” Hudson says. He takes my hands in his and looks me straight in the eye. At first, I try to resist, but I can’t avoid his eye contact no matter where I turn. He forces me to lock eyes with him.
“I was a real asshole,” Hudson continues. “I don’t want to excuse any of my behavior, but I was under a lot of stress. I had this intense Macroeconomics problem set due, which I couldn’t do at all. I was swamped at work. We had that fight. Oh, it was so stupid.”
I nod and try to look away. When he notices my gaze moving, he takes my chin with his hand and points my head back at him.
“What I’m trying to say, Alice, is that I love you. I’m not confused anymore. I know what I want.”
“And what’s that?” I ask. I can’t believe what he’s saying. It sounds like words. Familiar words. They just don’t make any sense in that order.
“I want to be with you, silly.” He smiles.
“Um,” I start to say. I don’t even know where to begin.
“Please, Alice.” Hudson’s eyes plead with mine. “I love you. I know I hurt you again, but I want to make it up to you.”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
“I know you love me, too,” he says, kissing my fingertips. “I just know it. I can feel it now.”
Oh, if only it was this simple. Of course I love you, I want to say, but that’s not all that matters. There’s more to it. There’s all this complicated life stuff. All the things that make love so impossible and complex and difficult to handle.
“I love you, too,” I say. I don’t know what else to say. I want to tell him something true. For a second, I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to be a fraud. Every moment we’ve had together has felt like an un-truth ever since we got back from Atlantic City.
“That’s great.” Hudson’s eyes light up, but I shake my head. “What? What’s wrong?” he asks.
Tell him. Tell him now. Tell him that you accidentally married his roommate. He’ll forgive you. If you tell him now. I open my mouth to say it, but nothing comes out.
“I’m not sure that’s enough,” I say.
“Of course it is, Alice,” Hudson says. He moves over to my side of the table. There’s warmth pouring out of him, actual heat, and it wraps me in a warm blanket of love. He puts his arm around my shoulder, lifting up my head. He presses his lips onto mine. I want to push him away. He doesn’t know what a horrible person I am and how wrong it is for him to love me. I don’t. I can’t. I want to stay in this moment forever. I don’t know if it will come again.
“Love is all there is, Alice,” Hudson says through the kiss. I can feel a wide smile form on his lips. “Don’t you know that?”
“No, there are other things. Things that complicate love,” I say, pulling away from him. If you knew what I did, you wouldn’t think that love is all there is, I say to him silently, in my own head.
“No.” He kisses me again, parting my lips with his and running his tongue over mine. “All you need is love. That’s all anyone needs.”
“That sounds nice,” I say with a smile.
“What’s wrong, Alice?” Hudson says. His face grows more serious. Concerned.
“Nothing.” I shrug. Just tell him. Open your mouth and say, so this is what happened that weekend we went to Atlantic City. We got really drunk, and I mean really drunk, and Dylan and I accidentally got married, but it was just an accident. We’re going to get an annulment. Everything’s going to be okay. Let’s just pretend that everything is the way it was. Like this never happened. I mean, all you need is love, right? You love me and I love you. That’s all you have to say. Just start talking.
“Alice?” Hudson asks again.
“I don’t know, Hudson,” I finally manage to say. “Everything is so complicated now. I don’t know if we can just go back to the way things were.”
“But why? I want to and I can see that you want to, too,” he says with a hopeful look on his beautiful face. I inhale and breathe out slowly. So, what if I did? What if I just moved on with this from this moment forward? Wouldn’t that be something? Of course, I can’t. I wouldn’t. It would be too wrong.
“Okay.” I nod my head. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
“Okay?” Hudson asks.
