I twisted away before he could lift it off my shoulders. “I can carry it,” I said, glaring.
He shrugged. “You’re going to tire yourself out and have to leave it behind, anyway.”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to tell him that my bag was full of blood, and that I’d be lightening my load each day when I ate. The others had brought maybe a couple energy bars, but they were counting on being able to hunt and buy food on the way. I didn’t have that luxury.
We finally took off, all of us buzzing with energy of both the excited and nervous variety. But we hadn’t even reached the woods when I felt the presence of others. I turned and spotted a trio of vampires who were all too familiar.
Amy waved, looking uncertain.
I hesitated, then dropped Alarick’s hand. “I’ll be right back.”
I strode over to where the vampires stood behind the boys’ dorm, watching us. “Hey,” I said, hooking my thumbs into the straps of my backpack.
“I thought you were going home for the break,” Svana said.
“I am,” I said.
Her gaze moved to the wolves behind me, then back to mine. “They’re going with you?”
“Yep.”
“I can give you a ride,” Viktor said. “To the airport or… Wherever.”
“Thanks,” I said. “But we’re good.”
None of us spoke for a minute. “Do they have cars?” Amy asked. “That’s a long way on foot.”
Suddenly, I felt a bit choked up. I was leaving my friends, and I might not see them again. They weren’t perfect, but they’d been my friends for two and a half years. “I’m going to miss y’all,” I said, my throat tight.
“Were you going to say goodbye?” Viktor asked.
I nodded, avoiding his eyes. I hadn’t been. They were probably supposed to stop me if I tried to disappear. Mr. Ravenwood might punish them, and the last thing I wanted was for them to take the fall for my disobedience. I’d never been good at following rules, and this was no different. But Mr. Ravenwood was going to be pissed when his human compass didn’t return to him.
On a more selfish level, I didn’t know what to say, how to say it. I knew I might not be back, and I didn’t like goodbyes. I’d either come back and finish school here, or I wouldn’t. Goodbyes only made things harder for everyone. On top of that, it was too complicated to try to explain to them right now. I was one of them, but I wasn’t. Just as I was a wolf, but not a wolf. I needed to find where I really fit—if that place existed.
“So, that’s it,” Svana said. “You’re just leaving.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could, she pulled me into a cool, lavender-scented embrace. “I’ll do what I can,” she whispered, and I squeezed her back, knowing what she meant. She was going to keep Ravenwood off my back as long as possible, not rat me out.
“Thank you,” I said.
I’d barely let go of her when Amy threw herself into my arms. “I’m going to miss you so much,” she blubbered. “Are you sure you have to go?”
“Maybe I’ll see you again,” I said, forcing a laugh. “At the end of the world, right?”
“It better be before then,” she said. “We didn’t even get to go dancing yet this year!”
“We’ll go next semester,” I said, pulling back.
My eyes were wet as I turned to say goodbye to Viktor. Though we’d never dated, there had always been a lot of heavy stuff between us, even before he became my maker. But he wasn’t where he’d been standing just moments before. I swallowed, hurt twisting in my chest.
I looked to Svana, my eyes wide. “He left?”
She gave me an apologetic shrug. “You know he loves you.”
“Okay,” I said, knowing it would be hypocritical of me to get pissy about him leaving without a goodbye, since I’d been ready to do the same. “Tell him… Thank you.”
I knew it was so far beyond insufficient, but what could I say? He was my maker, and he’d saved me from death. If not death, then from being tied more closely to Mr. Ravenwood than I was. And he’d liked me, even when I’d been unable to return the feeling. We’d only shared one kiss, but we’d shared a much more intimate connection when we fed from each other.
And in truth, he’d always given me more than he took from me. I knew I was much stronger than a new vampire should have been. I knew our bond was closer than it should have been. I’d let that happen, and now I was paying for it with each painful beat of my heart. But I also knew it could have been worse. I had taken Viktor’s blood, enough that he could have compelled me to stay. But he hadn’t. He hadn’t even asked me to. He’d seen me leaving with Alarick, and he knew what it meant. I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to stick around and watch me walk away. In a way, he’d made this easy, and I was grateful, even if I couldn’t feel it through the hurt just yet.
There was nothing I could do to make things right between us. I couldn’t change the way things had gone. Sometimes, everything didn’t tie up perfectly in a neat little bow. Sometimes, there was no closure. I knew I’d come back to this moment again, that it would nag at the back of my mind the way a missing tooth called your tongue to return to the empty space over and over. But somehow, the lack of closure felt right for us. Nothing between us had ever been defined
