“I’ll give you the watered-down version tonight. Another time I’ll share more, okay?” I ask her.
“I understand, I just need to know.” The hitch in her voice lets me know she’s not as in control as she’s wanting it to come out as. She will always be the older sister, the protector, the worrier. In her eyes, I’m hers to take care of and since I know her as well as I do, I know she’s seeing my past as a failure on her part.
“I’m not going to say a word as long as you are wanting to play the blame game, Stella,” I scold. “Nothing that has happened to me is your fault, I made choices and fell for the smooth talking of a predator. Got it?”
She waves a hand dismissively around in the air before closing her eyes, mentally preparing herself to fake it. “You don’t worry about me, Star.” I nearly crack up in laughter as she gives me that older sister stare down, the one she used to use on me to get me to open up to her when I didn't want to.
“When we parted ways, I found myself living with a group of runaways on the streets,” I begin, looking down at my nephew, then over at my daughter in Shamus’ arms. I’m happy that they’ll never experience the things I went through. “They taught me how to get free meals, where to go to get a shower for next to nothing and I joined them with their panhandling. I started getting really good at making money in the non-traditional way. There was this boy, Tommy, who used to sit at the park and play his guitar for money. We joined forces and began performing together, he’d play music and I’d dance. I’d use all of my best moves, the ones I learned from watching the dancers through the glass windows of that dance studio we used to sit and watch. Wishing it was us, do you remember?”
“Yeah, I remember. You used to dream of becoming a famous, sought after dancer. You’d be in music videos and I’d be your manager,” Stella giggles.
“That’s right!” I giddily affirm. “Anyway, I caught the eye of Jeremiah while we were doing our thing one day. He said all the right things to a girl who was living on the streets. He promised me shelter, food, a job dancing, a good life. He made it sound like I’d have a white picket fence, living the American dream.”
“Clearly that didn’t happen,” Shamus interjects.
“No, it did… for a little while anyways. He set me up in a beautiful bungalow and I thought I’d found the man who’d become my salvation. I was living the lime life, I had a man who I believed adored me, I didn’t know that he was grooming me. I thought he was a good, decent man. I jumped in headfirst and gave him my complete and utter trust. He was good at acting the part of a loving man, someone who’d give me the world on a silver platter. He was my first.”
As those words leave my mouth I hear a rumbling growl leave Shamus’ chest. When I look up at him in astonishment, I see him grinding his teeth together. The muscles protrude from his jaw as he works hard to keep himself under control. The way he’s acting, reminds me of those shifter romance books I’m entranced with. I was halfway expecting him to shift into a growly bear and let their secret out of the bag. These men remind me of the ones I dream of, the fantasy I allow myself to get sucked into. Shaking my head, I bring myself back into reality.
“You’ll get used to it,” my sister announces as she too looks at Shamus in curiosity. “They’re all like that.”
“Oh, fun,” I sarcastically reply, earning me a smirk from him.
“Ignore him, please continue,” Stella prompts.
“Long story short, I ended up pregnant with Ella. It angered him in the beginning, I believe because it thwarted his progress into turning me into the money-making prodigy he wanted me to be. He made me exercise every day and rubbed me down in coconut oil, I thought it was him being excited about our baby and wanting to touch my belly every chance he got. Wanting me to be healthy as I carried his child. In fact, it was just the opposite as I learned as soon as I birthed our baby. He became a task master to get me back into the shape I was before she was born. My stretch marks were minimal because he didn’t allow me to gain too much weight with all of the healthy eating and exercising I was doing. He purchased a tanning bed and had me in there every day until my stretch marks started to take on the presence of blending in. Then, the pole dancing lessons started, I enjoyed them in the beginning, it helped me get into the best shape of my life. There again, I believed he was trying to help me become healthy and happy with my appearance… and all I wanted to do was give him what he desired the most, a beautiful, in-shape woman, to
