‘Don’t be so paranoid – I told you, it was just someone waiting for a lift or something. Nothing has happened since, has it? So, don’t be ridiculous. If seeing Mags is going to upset you, then maybe you shouldn’t see her anymore.’
I let him pull me into an embrace, his chin resting on my hair, as I blink back tears. I’m not paranoid – I know I’m not – and I know that Rupert had bad experiences with Caro’s paranoia, so I don’t press the matter. I’m glad I pressed the torn letter deep down into the bin so Rupert wouldn’t see it. But maybe he has got a point about not seeing Mags for a while.
Chapter Ten
I let myself back into the flat – for what I realize will be my final visit – and start packing the last of my things into a holdall, when the sound of someone clearing their throat makes me jump, and I turn, one hand pressed against my mouth as my heart threatens to burst out of my chest.
‘Shit, Mags. You scared me.’ It’s a stifling hot August day and I have thrown open all the windows in the stuffy top-floor flat in an attempt to flush out the smell of Mags’s weed. Thanks to the sounds of passing traffic and the gas men digging up the road outside, I don’t hear Mags enter the flat.
‘So, this is it then? You’re officially leaving.’ Mags stands in the doorway, her orange hair piled up on top of her head in a haphazard bun, one hand picking at the nail varnish on the other. She wears a green and purple maxi dress that clashes horribly with her hair, and once again her feet are grubby and bare.
‘Yeah,’ I say quietly, turning back to face the overfull holdall. ‘This is the last of it.’ Much as I am happy to be moving into Rupert’s place properly, my chest feels tight at never being here again. Even though I’m pleased to be moving on, it feels like the end of an era. I won’t sit on the sofa with Mags, stuffing cheesy popcorn, while we watch a marathon of Eighties movies. I won’t be making terrible margaritas, that Mags and I neck almost as a challenge, they are so awful. Equally, I won’t have to hold Mags’s hair back, as she vomits them back up either.
Mags sniffs, and I feel a wave of guilt. ‘Come on, Mags, you knew it was coming.’
I tried to time collecting the last of my things with Mags being out, but now part of me is glad I get to say goodbye to her properly.
‘I know,’ Mags says, her mouth downturned. ‘I suppose I thought maybe it wouldn’t happen. Sorry.’ She gives a rueful grin, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Perhaps this won’t be so bad.
‘End of an era,’ I say, forcing a smile onto my face. Now I have my things, and I’ve said goodbye, I’m ready to leave. ‘But it’s the start of a new one, that’s how we have to look at it.’
‘I saw the announcement his parents put in The Times. The engagement is announced… blah blah blah.’ Mags screws her face up, like a child who has just taken a spoonful of medicine.
‘There’s no need to be like that,’ I say, slumping down onto the bed. ‘Mags, you always knew it was a temporary thing, me living here. I thought you wanted me to be happy after Harry.’ I look down at the scarf I’m holding, worried for a moment that I won’t be able to hide my emotions from Mags. That I won’t be able to hide the fact that part of me is relieved to be leaving the flat, and Mags, behind. That I’m looking forward to the space Rupert’s house can afford me, instead of these tiny, cramped four walls that make me feel so claustrophobic at times it makes my chest hurt. That Mags makes me feel claustrophobic.
‘Yeah, I did always know that.’ Mags smiles but her words have bite to them. ‘Are you sure you’re doing the right thing? I mean, it’s a bit quick, isn’t it? Aren’t you worried about what people might say?’
‘What do you mean?’ I go cold, the word BITCH flashes in neon in my mind.
An emotion that I can’t read flickers across Mags’s face. ‘Well, it’s just that you barely know each other. There are bound to be people saying that you’re not quite the genuine article.’
‘We love each other, Mags. I feel incredibly grateful to have found Rupert after the horrendous time I had with Harry. If people think I’m some sort of…’ I pause for a moment, my eyes on Mags, looking for a reaction, ‘bitch then that’s their problem. I just hoped you at least would be happy for me.’
‘I am, I promise.’ Mags leans over to hug me, and I force myself to relax. ‘I’m sorry, OK? I didn’t mean to upset you.’
‘And I’m sorry I’m leaving you, OK?’
‘I’ll live.’ Mags pulls away, the tension easing as she says, ‘What the fuck are you wearing, anyway?’
I look down at my outfit. Instead of my usual cut-off denim shorts and cheap vests, I’m wearing linen shorts, with a silky Karen Millen top, gold sandals on my feet. Rupert had bought me the outfit at the weekend, and it was perfect, or so I had thought. Now, under Mags’s scrutiny, I just feel a bit uncomfortable. ‘Don’t you like it?’
‘Not really my style. Or yours.’ Mags raises an eyebrow and gives a little laugh. ‘Do you want another bag for that stuff?’
‘Yes, please.’ I smile as Mags bustles from the room to get me another holdall. At least I won’t be leaving under too much of a cloud – although I’m not sure how Rupert will feel if I invite her to the wedding. I still haven’t sent her an invite.
