I am sat in bed, reluctant to start my Friday even though it’s nearly ten o’clock and Anya will be here at any minute to start cleaning the house, when my mobile rings. I check the screen, expecting it to be either Sadie or Rupert – after all, they are the only people who call me these days; Mags doesn’t have my new number and I haven’t heard from my mum since before the wedding, despite emailing her the photos – and when I see who it is my heart does a little leap in my chest. It’s Angus Beaton, calling from The Children’s Trust. I give a tiny yelp of excitement, pressing my hand to my mouth before smoothing back my curls, even though I know Angus can’t see me.
‘Hello?’ I inject a question into my voice, even though I have Angus’s number memorized, and I feel like I’ve been waiting forever for him to call me.
‘Ahhh… Mrs Milligan? Emily?’ He sounds different on the phone to how he does in real life, almost nervous.
‘Yes, this is Emily. Angus, how lovely to hear from you.’ I shift slightly in the bed, before pushing back the duvet and swinging my legs out, a shiver of anticipation running down my spine. I feel as though I’ve been waiting weeks for Angus to call, spending hours walking in the park, and doing class after class of yoga (although not at the one Sadie goes to) in an effort to pass the time every day. It feels wrong now to be lounging in bed when I hear whether Angus will let me come and work for him. I stand, pulling my long T-shirt down over my knickers, a faint chill about my legs where the heating has gone off.
‘Sorry it’s taken me a while to get back to you, I had a number of factors to consider, you understand?’ He sounds more confident now, more like the man I met in the office.
‘Of course, it’s no problem. I understand. I know I don’t have a lot of experience, but I am willing to learn, and as I said to you before, my husband is very committed to The Children’s Trust.’ I hold my breath, waiting for his response. I’m still not too sure why this charity is so important to Rupert, why he donates such a large amount to them every month; all I know is that if I can tell him I’m going to be working there I’m sure he’ll be pleased. He’ll understand that I’m doing the very best I can to fit in with what is important to him.
‘Listen, Emily, you were very impressive when you came to see me. Very impressive indeed…’
‘Thank you,’ I blurt out, wanting him to just say yes or no, to get to the point and stop beating around the bush.
‘But unfortunately, in this instance, we won’t be able to offer you the vacancy in our fundraising department.’
‘What?’ Pressing the phone hard against my ear, I want him to repeat it, sure that I have misheard him.
‘I’m really sorry, Emily. It’s vital that we get the right person.’ Angus is quiet, apologetic.
‘But it’s a voluntary position at first,’ I say, still not quite sure I have heard Angus correctly. If I’m honest, I thought I had it in the bag, and I was looking forward to having some sense of purpose back in my day. ‘I’m offering you my time and my skills for nothing. I would have thought that that would be enough.’
‘Well, of course we appreciate that, but like I said, I had a number of factors to consider. I’m very sorry to disappoint you. We have events throughout the year – you’re more than welcome to come along and support us at these.’
I murmur something – I’m not even sure what I’ve said – into the phone and then hang up, sinking onto the chaise longue under the window sill. I can’t understand what has gone so wrong. Angus and I got along famously when I went to his office. Maybe that was the problem? Maybe I came on too strong? Perhaps I should have called him, rather than just turn up there, but I thought if I called, he might have hung up on me or I might not have even been able to get through to him at all. There must have been something I did wrong – I was offering my time for no pay – so why on earth would he turn that down? I get up from the chaise longue – Caro’s chaise longue – and move towards the bathroom, disappointment bitter on my tongue. There is that old familiar feeling of somehow failing, of somehow not being enough, lurking over my shoulder and I stare into the bathroom mirror, taking in every inch of my face. How would Caro have reacted to this? I think, pulling at the skin around my eyes, dismayed by the way it crinkles slightly under my fingertip, she’d probably have taken to her bed. You’re better than that, I tell myself.
I am already dressed, ready to go out for Miles’s birthday dinner when Rupert arrives home from work that evening. I perch on the chaise, smiling prettily at Rupert as he emerges from the en suite in a cloud of aftershave and scented steam, a small towel round his waist.
‘Come here.’ He pulls me to my feet, twirling me in my tight-fitting dress. ‘God, do we have to go out? Miles won’t even notice if we don’t turn up.’ He nibbles at my neck and my knees go weak.
‘Yes, we do. Miles has booked some place in town, and the cab will be here any minute.’ I kiss him back, already
