‘No, of course. I feel like a fool… Rupert never mentioned it when I told him I’d been speaking with Angus.’ A bloom of hurt bursts in my chest and I have to swallow hard. No wonder Rupert has been donating so much money for all this time. It was all for Caro. I feel sick as I picture his face when I mentioned Angus’s name.
‘He probably didn’t want to upset you. Like I said, Em, don’t take it to heart.’
‘Here you are, ladies—’ Amanda appears beside us, a waiter stood next to her with a tray full of more pisco sours. ‘Emily, nice to see you.’ She gives me a kiss on the cheek, the overwhelming scent of her perfume tickling the back of my throat. She slides into the seat next to me and starts talking about her latest design project. When I look up the table at Rupert, he is engaged in conversation with Miles, so I reach for another cocktail, trying to push Sadie’s comments from my mind, feeling like the biggest kind of idiot.
We order food, and the conversation turns to more general things – work, holidays, what everyone will be doing for Christmas. The food is fancy – not the Chinese food I am used to, slumped on the overstuffed sofa at the flat with Mags – there are fat, plump dim sum crammed full of seafood and chicken, thinly sliced duck, bowls of fragrant rice. I struggle with the chopsticks, having never learnt to use them properly, and my cheeks burn as Sadie whispers to a waiter and he returns a few minutes later with a knife and fork, laying them carefully on the table next to me. It doesn’t take long for the conversation to turn into a game of ‘remember when’, and I paste a smile on my face as they all talk about things that happened long before I met Rupert.
‘Remember the Norway flight, Rupert?’ Sadie gives a ladylike snort of laughter as Rupert grins and covers his face with his hands.
‘Never been on a flight like it, before or since,’ he laughs. ‘It was so rough even I was throwing up, and I always say I’ve a cast-iron stomach.’
‘Caro was the only one who didn’t look like she’d been run over,’ Amanda says, turning to me. ‘It was horrendous, Emily, the worst flight we’ve ever been on.’
‘I can imagine,’ I say, wishing desperately that the conversation would turn back to things we can all discuss.
‘Or that time we went to the college wrestling, and Miles got given an atomic wedgie.’ Will can barely get the words out he’s laughing so hard, which sets the others off as Miles bangs the table in protest.
‘No, no, I gave him an atomic wedgie!’
They all erupt into hysterics, as I sit there forcing out laughter, feeling alone and adrift as they reminisce about things that I have no idea about. I finish my drink and wait, staring into my empty glass with its sticky egg foam wash around the rim, trying not to make my discomfort evident until finally Will says, ‘Come on, guys, let’s not forget about Emily, she wasn’t around for this stuff, remember? Sorry, Em.’
‘It’s OK,’ I say, injecting amusement into my tone, ‘it’s very interesting to hear what Rupert got up before I was on the scene.’
Rupert gives me a small smile and a wink, and says, ‘Nothing as interesting as the things I get up to now you are on the scene.’
The table falls silent, and I feel it again, the ghost of Caro filling the room as clearly as if she were sat at the table next to me.
‘Let’s go dancing,’ Will says, jumping up from the table, and the thick silence is broken. ‘Girls, are you up for a night of wild clubbing?’
Sadie bursts out laughing. ‘Bloody hell, Will, I don’t know about that, I’ve got to be up at the crack of dawn with the twins.’
‘Don’t you mean the nanny has to be up at the crack of dawn with the twins?’ Amanda says, laughing as Sadie looks at her in mock horror. ‘How about Salamander’s?’
They all murmur their agreement, and as we walk outside to catch a cab – we could walk, but Sadie is already bitching about her heels – I loop my arm through Rupert’s, wanting to be close to him after feeling so out in the cold.
‘I’ve never been to Salamander’s,’ I say, trying to ease the worry from my face. I’ve found the evening overwhelming and I am floundering a little, out of my depth. To now have to go to the most exclusive club in the county makes my stomach swoop, and a thick nausea rise in my throat; I don’t know if it is nerves or pisco. I’m not sure I am ready for Salamander’s. Part of me longs for our big, cosy bed, the blinds closed against the outside world, just the two of us together. ‘Do I look OK?’
‘Absolutely.’ Rupert leans down and kisses me, making my heart skip a beat. Whatever happens between us, nothing seems to kill that flame that he sparks in me. ‘You look perfect.’
‘I didn’t even know you were a member there.’
‘Yes, for years. How was your meal? You girls looked thick as thieves down that end of the table.’
‘Oh. It was lovely.’ I keep my eyes on the pavement, careful not to trip on the uneven slabs, as I wonder whether to tell him that I know about Caro and Angus Beaton. ‘It was nice to talk properly with Amanda, too. I think that’s the first time we’ve had a proper conversation.’
‘Right. Well, that’s good. It’s nice to see all you ladies getting along together.’ Rupert sticks his hand out and a black cab glides to the edge of the kerb, and my opportunity to speak frankly to him is lost. ‘Here.’ He opens the
