Em is not Caro, she never will be. Rupert’s words to Amanda come back to me and I take another sip of my wine, now warm and sour on my tongue, the beginnings of a headache starting to thump at my temples. I’m not sure whether the fact that Rupert said I’m not Caro is a good thing or bad thing now, after what Sadie said earlier.
Sadie enters the kitchen, rubbing her hands together, her huge handbag already over her shoulder. ‘Thank you for a lovely day, darling. I hope I haven’t upset you, talking about Caro. You and Rupert are wonderful together, despite what some people think.’ I get to my feet and Sadie flaps a hand in my direction. ‘Darling, I have to go. I haven’t seen the children all day, and I wasn’t there to put them to bed last night either; they’ll be a nightmare for the nanny tonight if I don’t get back. Don’t get up, you look exhausted.’
‘Thank you for today, Sadie, sorry if I…’
‘Oh, don’t be silly. Nothing to be sorry for, we all have our ups and downs. Just so long as you know I’m always here if you want to chat.’ Sadie puts her head on one side. ‘We’ll go to yoga next week, shall we? That might help.’
‘Oh no,’ I say, almost knocking my wine glass over in my haste to stand up, ‘I can’t. We’re going to Rupert’s parents for Christmas and to be honest, Rupert isn’t too keen on me going there again.’
‘Oh.’ Sadie looks away, fiddling with the strap of her bag. ‘Well, no problem. You two have a lovely Christmas together, won’t you? I’m assuming Will and Amanda are going to be there too?’
‘Yes. Everyone will be there.’ I’m looking forward to it. It’s been a very long time since I got to experience a proper family Christmas. Although if I’m really honest, I’m not sure the Christmases I spent fighting with other kids who weren’t my siblings after my mother remarried really count as proper Christmases. See? A voice says at the back of my mind, You don’t know how lucky you are. Rupert is giving you something you’ve never had before – he’s not just given you a safe place to live, he’s given you a family.
Sadie leans over and kisses me on the cheek, her thick floral scent making me want to cough as she gives me a hug. ‘Don’t see me out, you look utterly exhausted. Go and have a hot bath before your handsome husband comes home.’ With a wink, Sadie floats out of the kitchen on a cloud of perfume and wine, leaving me at the table alone.
I am sticking the receipts from my day out with Sadie into my scrapbook, alongside a perfume sample and a picture of the two of us together at Salamander’s, printed from my phone – a record of happy memories, I tell myself – when the doorbell makes me jump. I pause, my heart thudding in my chest as I glance towards the window automatically, despite the inky blackness outside making it impossible to see who is there, just my own shocked face reflected back at me in the glass. Slowly I close the scrapbook, stuffing it under a sofa cushion to be retrieved later, and walk towards the oak front door, my fingers trembling slightly as I reach for the lock. Sadie just forgot something, I tell myself as I take a deep breath, preparing to pull the heavy door open, Rupert forgot his keys, that’s all it is. But I know Rupert won’t be home for hours, and Sadie left nothing behind. I yank the door open, but the figure on the doorstep is the last person I was expecting to see.
‘Mags.’ I hear the note of delight in my voice, and I realize that I’ve missed Mags more than I have admitted to myself.
‘Glad you’re pleased to see me,’ Mags says, and I am relieved to see the old grin on her face, not that cold, chilly smile she gave me in the street.
‘I am. Of course I am. It’s been ages.’
‘Aren’t you going to let me in?’ Mags takes a step forward and Tiny appears from behind her legs. I have to forcibly squash down the groan that rises in my throat.
‘It’s not really a good time,’ I check behind me, as if seeing if something is burning, or someone is calling to me. I don’t think Rupert would be very happy to know Mags came over. Ever since she upset me at the flat, he’s had no time for her. ‘I’m just in the middle of something.’
‘Right. Too busy, eh? Thought you might be.’ Mags yanks at the dog’s lead, pulling her away from the front door. Tiny responds by pissing up the stone lion that flanks the right-hand side of the porch, and I feel a bubble
