“Right, right. I’m getting a little ahead of myself.” He rubs the back of his neck, sways from side to side with the test still in his hand. His first reaction to the news was joy. Danny didn’t need time to decide he wanted to be a father, and he judges me for not being as readily taken by the challenge. “I’m going to start dinner.” He starts to hand the test back, before fidgeting and dropping it on the bed.
A baby. Baby. It’s a terrifying word. I’ve never wanted children. Maybe that’s not entirely true. I used to babysit for some of the neighborhood kids. Monitoring children for a few hours is nothing compared to raising them. I realized that, even back then. But any desire I once had to be a mother fizzled when I realized what Brian had become.
I never looked at motherhood the same after that. Images of squishy limbs and big eyes were replaced with research about predisposed violence and genetic traits. Even now, as I try to envision a combined version of myself and Danny, all I see are the negative traits I could pass along. What does it matter if our child has my green eyes and Danny’s dark hair, if they end up with Brian’s temper?
And now it’s not just Brian I’m worried about. He’s not a lone monster, Zoey’s entrance in my life proves that. It’s a dangerous world full of dangerous people. Can I really bring a child into this? What if they become prey? What if they become the predator?
When I emerge from the bedroom, I can smell the hickory sweet scent of meat. It makes me hungry, not nauseous, and I hope more nasty symptoms don’t start picking up. Danny is setting the table. I walk up behind him and squeeze my hands around his middle.
“You hungry?” he asks.
“Starving.”
He pulls me around to face him. “I’m sorry if I got too excited in there. I wasn’t meaning to put pressure on you.”
“You don’t have to apologize for being happy. I’m just still in shock.”
“I never expected I’d be as happy as I was. I’d got myself thinking something bad was going on. I thought you were about to tell me you were having an affair, or something.”
I slap his shoulder before taking a seat at the table. “Seriously? What would make you think that?”
“You’ve just seemed so distant. Like you’re holding something back. Even you said you’ve not been yourself. I guess I was just expecting to hear the worst.”
I feel guilty. I couldn’t imagine my life without Danny, but I’ve been keeping things from him. He doesn’t know how upset this Zoey stuff has gotten me. The pregnancy might even explain why I’ve been so on edge. Zoey Peterson is a damaged girl, but I’ve yet to find proof she attacked Darcy. Maybe my hormones have me overthinking. Overfeeling.
“I love you. I wouldn’t have kept this from you, but I really thought it was a fluke,” I say. “I didn’t expect for it to be positive, and I’m still racking my brains about whether I did it wrong.”
Danny walks over and slides a steak from his platter to my plate. My mouth waters just looking at it. “Those tests are more reliable than people think. You’re more likely to get a false negative. If the hormones are in your system, it’s going to pick them up.”
I feel a pang of disappointment. I was hoping to blame manufacturer or user error. “There’s a second test in the pack. Maybe I’ll take it later.”
“Do it in the morning. The test is the most accurate then.”
I nod my head as I cut into my steak. Red juices ink the plate as I put a bite in my mouth.
“I think this could be really great for us,” Danny says. “It’s not like we aren’t capable. Sure, we might have to cut back on traveling and other things. But we have plenty of income. You have a great schedule.”
“Danny, you know my hesitancy to have children has nothing to do with my career. Or yours.”
Danny stands, walks across the room and stares out the window overlooking the porch. “You can’t let him ruin this,” he says. “Being his sister isn’t a precursor for what our child might be. Truth be told, I could have lived the rest of my life with you the way things are. But now that there is a baby in the picture, I’m happy about what’s coming next.”
“Me too,” I say, even if it’s not totally real. I’ve only had a couple of hours to try and restructure more than a decade’s worth of thinking. Being Brian’s sister, I’ve felt it’s my responsibility not to add more darkness to the world. But is that what this baby would represent? Darkness? Danny seems to think this baby is a beacon of light. A blessing. Maybe I deserve a happy ending.
Twenty-Three
Now
I wake up on Monday feeling restless. The romantic weekend wasn’t what it was supposed to be. We should have been staying up late and drinking wine and sleeping in. Instead of forgetting our problems, we were confronted with a whole other issue. Pregnancy. It still doesn’t seem real. I’ve heard mothers say that before. Even after they take the tests and start gaining weight, a small part of them still can’t believe it. As though someone is pulling a trick on them.
That’s how I feel right now. Tricked. I hadn’t asked for this. I can’t ignore Danny’s optimistic readiness. Even after we talked and talked about the baby, promised to make rational, mature decisions, he floated around the cabin. He couldn’t hide his anticipation and excitement. I didn’t know, until I showed him the test, how much he’d wanted a child. How much he’d suppressed those feelings in support
