Brian, but he didn’t have enough time to do anything about it. I like to think, had he not died, he eventually would have intervened. That he wouldn’t have released Brian into the world knowing he was capable of harming others. No, in my mind Brian has always had ‘Nature’ written all over him. He was born to be the person he became. A rougher upbringing would have only made his behavior more dangerous.

I’m still on the fence with Zoey. Is she nature or nurture? I don’t know enough about her background to fully decide. Ms. Peterson didn’t appear to be as functional as my parents, but she didn’t strike me as abusive. She seemed afraid of Zoey, all too willing to stand out of her path. I assume that’s why she’s not speaking up now; Zoey can’t retaliate against her if Ms. Peterson stays in a jail cell, and that poor woman was already living like a prisoner. I think of the way Zoey treated her mother, calling her a drunk skank. As I hear the words play back in my mind, it’s Brian’s voice I hear.

I’m also considering the differences between male and female offenders. Violent women are rare in a statistical sense, but they’re not as uncommon as people think. It’s no surprise Pam and others are hesitant to accept Zoey as a threat; girls don’t typically hurt others the way boys do.

Most violence stems from a search for dominance, a need to exert power. That much is common ground. Often with men, there is a sexual element involved. That was the case with Brian, and most other monsters we watch on primetime cable. It’s why most people assume Adam targeted Darcy. He’s the angry ex-boyfriend. He can overpower her, take what he wants.

Women can be just as destructive, although their methods are usually more discreet. They often act out of need, doing what they must in order to gather the resources necessary for survival. Another common motive is revenge. I’ve kept returning to the comment Coach Gabe made when I had gate duty. He said some of the girls had given Zoey a hard time. Hazing her, I presume. Ms. Peterson mentioned this, too. The whole school seems enamored with the track team’s improvement, but that couldn’t have been the case for the girls Zoey replaced. Girls like Darcy. It would explain why the two girls seemed to be arguing at Spring Fling, and why Zoey made insensitive comments after the attack.

Zoey is also perceptive. It didn’t take her long to pick up on Darcy’s influence at Victory Hills. Maybe she attacked Darcy that night in hopes of retaliating, but was interrupted by the police. Once she saw the school’s reaction, she realized it was in her best interest to keep Darcy on her side. Darcy became her resource. That’s why she’s secured their friendship and done her best to widen the target on Adam’s back. The motives are becoming clearer in my mind, and yet, the proof! Proof is what I need, what everyone else needs, to truly understand what Zoey has become.

It’s Tuesday afternoon and I’m sitting across from Dr. Walters.

“What’s on your mind today?” she asks, peering at me through red-rimmed lenses.

There is a plethora of things I could talk about. This is, usually, my space for making sense of my feelings. I could use an outside perspective more than ever.

“I did get some news over the weekend.” I look down, playing with the fringed ends of my shirt. “Turns out, I’m pregnant.” This is the realest it’s felt. Saying the words aloud, feeling them leave my tongue.

Dr. Walter’s eyes brighten, and she lifts her head. “That’s exciting. Congratulations.”

“Thank you.” I look down again. Congratulations. This is supposed to be celebratory news, isn’t? It’s only been three days, but happiness hasn’t overridden the shock. “Danny is over the moon.”

“How are you feeling?” She’s picked up on something. My hesitancy, maybe. Or my worry.

“Surprised. I’m afraid, really. Considering my childhood.”

Dr. Walters nods, shifting her weight to the edge of her chair. “Were you planning for this baby?”

“No.” My voice quivers, feeling permission to explore my uncertainty. “That’s why I’m not as excited as Danny. I was on the pill. I might have missed one or two a while back, but I don’t think I did. It feels selfish to say, but I didn’t ask for this.”

She nods and settles into thinking position. “What specifically about having children bothers you?”

“It’s not the baby, obviously. It’s everything else that worries me. The world and the people in it.” I think I’m talking about Brian. I want to be, but in my mind, I see Zoey.

“You don’t want your child to suffer, like you did at the hands of your brother.”

“I don’t want my child to turn out like Brian.” I feel tears sitting on my bottom lashes.

“You must know the likelihood of passing on your brother’s violence is rare.”

“Rare. Not impossible,” I say, wiping my cheeks. “A little like conceiving while on birth control, I guess.”

She laughs at this, before settling into a place of comfort. “There’s always a chance a person can be bad, even if they aren’t genetically predisposed. The risk is there, sure. But what if your child turns out like you?”

I close my eyes. I don’t want a little miniature version of myself any more than I want one of Brian, or Danny even. I want this child to be their own person, follow their own path. I just don’t want that path tarnished by Brian’s actions, or by someone else who has yet to come along.

“Can I tell you something?” she asks, prompting me to open my eyes. “Lots of mothers feel this way, even the ones who don’t have the experiences you have. Parenthood ushers in fears, but it also brings moments of unspeakable joy. You can’t have one without the other, unfortunately. And as this child’s mother, you have to decide how much of your own experience you want

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