In fact, it made his chest flutter the way it used to all the time around Ria.
He hadn’t realized he was capable of that particular feeling anymore.
It made him feel vulnerable, but he liked it.
When he found the energy, he heaved himself up and went to the kitchen to help Ria. She was making a beef-and-rice bowl with vegetables, and it came together really quickly. By the time it was done, his stomach was growling.
They ate the meal on the couch with beer he pulled out of the refrigerator.
He enjoyed it. As they were finishing, he told her about the apartment downtown. “I think I’ll move into it as soon as I make it livable. That way I can sell this old place. It’s not in great shape, but it’s a lot of property, so I should be able to get a decent price for this place. And I can use the money from the sale to do some more work on the property downtown.”
Her eyes widened. “So you’ve decided for sure you’re not going to sell it?”
“Of course I’m not going to sell it.” He frowned at her, trying to search her face for a clue as to what had prompted the question. “You thought I was?”
“Well, the last time we talked about it, you said you would probably have to.” Her voice sounded odd. Careful but strangely detached.
“But that was before. Before everything. Back when I thought I’d be going back to Alaska as soon as I could. You didn’t think...” A clench of fear tightened in his gut. “You didn’t think I’d still be doing that, did you?”
“I don’t know. You never said.”
“Well, I’m saying now. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you. Not again.” He was so nervous now he wanted to grab her, hold her so she couldn’t get away. He managed to resist the impulse and said gruffly, “I thought... I told you I love you. I meant it.”
“I know you did.” Ria put down her mostly empty plate and turned sideways on the couch to face him. “But you’re acting like that means everything is all settled between us. All questions answered.”
“Well...” He breathed heavily. “Isn’t it? Aren’t we together?”
“Y-yes.”
He heard the slight hesitation in her voice. “Ria? What the hell is happening here? I thought you... Don’t you love me too?”
“I do, but that’s not...” She was still trying to hold on to her composure, but it was obviously a losing battle. Her voice kept breaking. Her face was twisting with emotion. “It’s just all happening really fast. And I... I’ve spent a lot of years living with the fact that you walked out on me.”
“But that wasn’t because I didn’t love you. I loved you back then too.” He was trying not to overreact here, but he was so terrified he was cold with it. All the hopes and dreams he’d been mentally building back up for the past week were falling down around his ears.
“I know. But that just makes it... harder for me. You left me then, even though you loved me. So it’s going to take some time for me to... to...”
“To trust me.” The words came out as a hoarse whisper. He clenched his hands in his lap. “You don’t... trust me.”
She nodded and dropped her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Jacob. But this is really fast. And I’m so, so scared.”
She started to cry, and it was more than Jacob could handle. Despite his own devastation, he reached out and pulled her toward him so she could cry into his shirt.
He breathed with intentional slowness as he held her until he’d gotten his own tidal wave of emotion under control. “I understand, Ria. I really do.”
She pulled away and searched his face urgently. “Do you really?”
“I think so. I mean, of course I do. I was the one who hurt you before. Of course it’s going to take time. I was just... It just felt like we...”
“I know it felt like that.” She cupped his face tenderly. “It felt like that to me too. Like we had just fallen right back into each other’s arms. But that’s one of the things that scares me. This whole thing happened as your grandfather was dying, so it was all in this state of... of heightened emotion. Once we sink back into regular life, what if we don’t...?”
“Ria, sweetheart, it’s not going to change how I feel. Nothing has ever changed how I feel about you. I’ve loved you since I was a kid.”
“I know. I know that. But I still think we should... give it some time.”
He wanted to snatch her up, carry her away, never let her go, but that was a selfish instinct. He’d been selfish for too long. He’d lived only for himself.
And he didn’t want to do it anymore.
So he made himself drop his hands and lean back on the couch. “Okay. Okay. I want you to feel... secure about us, so what do you think we should do? You want me to back off? We could date for a while. Just see each other a couple of times a week?”
“You think we could manage that?” She sounded interested but skeptical.
Jacob made himself think it through honestly. He shook his head. “We could try, but... I don’t know. I’m going to want to see you all the time.”
“I know. Me too. I just don’t know how to slow us down. When we’re together, we...”
Devour each other. Like they were starving for each other.
“Yeah,” Jacob said. He rubbed his face and pulled out his phone to look at the calendar, vaguely surprised by how much time had passed since he’d gotten to Azalea. It had seemed to happen all at once, but it had been more than three weeks. “Well, I should really head back to Alaska for a couple of days to pack up my place there and say bye to folks and talk to my skipper. I’m leaving him
