Susannah grabbed her mother, and pulled her to her chest.
‘You don’t need to be afraid no more,’ her mom kept rambling as Susannah sobbed into her old cotton dress. ‘See, Susie will come back now. Don’t need to be mad at me no more,’ she said to her daughter. ‘Us girls together again at last.’
41
Emer
1st November 2011
In the morning, Susannah was very weak. This was how it was with pancreatic cancer. Everything stable for weeks, and then a sudden, fast descent. Emer helped her in and out of the bathroom. She looked so tiny and frail in the bed, as if she were a child again. Her skin was turning yellow and Emer could see her life force fading, just as it had for Orla. Why, when she’d seen the look of death approaching, had she run out of her sister’s hospital bedroom? Why, when she’d known the end was coming? Run, run out of the hospital. On to the T-line in her scrubs. All the way to Lars’ apartment and into his arms.
She wasn’t going to run now.
After she’d dosed Susannah with more painkillers, she made two phone calls. First, she asked for one of the assistant physicians from the medical centre to call in. Then she called Lynsey. Told her she needed to come straight away.
‘But it’s All Soul’s Day,’ Lynsey protested. ‘My biggest time of year. Besides, Rebecca’s arriving on Friday. Can’t we come then?’
‘I’m sorry,’ Emer said. ‘But I really think you should come today.’
Emer climbed the stairs to her room at the top of the house. She was exhausted from all the tension with Henry, and looking after Susannah. She lay down on the other bed for once, on top of the second quilt, closing her eyes. There was something inside the quilt, digging into her back.
She sat up and investigated the quilt. Sure enough, there was a secret slit in this one too. She pushed her hand inside and searched blindly, feeling with her fingers. At last, she got a hold of a piece of paper folded so small, it was its thick edges which must have stuck into her back. She pulled it out, and unfolded it. Another letter. But this time, it wasn’t a letter Kate had received from Susannah. This letter had been written by Kate to Susannah. The fact it was hidden in this quilt proved she’d never sent it.
Curling up under the covers, Emer read the letter. In Kate and Susannah’s story Emer recognised the love between the two sisters, like the love she’d shared with Orla. Emer sat up, perched on the end of the bed and stared out of the window. Now, before it was too late, she must read this letter to Susannah, no matter how much it might upset her. She went back downstairs and pushed open the door into Susannah’s room, the letter still in her hand. Susannah was awake, reading in her bed. The beside lamp glowed beside her, filling the room with warm hazy light.
‘What is it, dear?’ Susannah asked her, seeing the look on her face.
‘I’ve found another letter,’ Emer said.
It was time Susannah heard what Kate had to say to her at last.
42
Kate
December 14th, 1965
Vinalhaven, Maine
Dearest Susie,
I have sat down to write this letter so many times over the last four years and never managed to finish it. But today I am determined I will. Get Mom to take it to the post office for me, as I can’t show my face for a while.
As I write, I’m nursing two broken ribs, a black eye and a cut lip. You know why. I don’t have to tell you how I got them, after what happened last time you visited. Oh Susie, I am so ashamed. How weak I am. Why can’t I leave him? Even after what he did to you? Why do I still love my husband? Because I do. Mixed in with all the fear, all the hurt and anger, there is true love. He is a tortured soul, and I know he loves me so much. Every time he hurts me, he’s on his knees begging for forgiveness. And I forgive him, because I live in the hope that the boy I once met, all those years ago in high school, will return to me.
If only he’d stop drinking. It’s like a poison, Susie. Transforms him into a man I hardly know. And when he’s bad, I want to leave. But we have no money, and nowhere to go. I can’t land on you.
What he did to you is unforgiveable. At the time, I couldn’t let myself believe it. And Mom kept saying you had led him on. I knew she was wrong. Because of Ava, because of who you are. Oh Susie, I’ve ruined everything. I miss you so much. Every day I think of you, and the only reason I never wrote to you before is I want you to be happy and far away from our island of broken hearts, mine and Mom’s.
I’ve had another baby. A girl I’ve named Rebecca. She’s so easy, Susie. As if she knows to be quiet. You wouldn’t know Lynsey. She’s quite the little girl, and such a good one. Always by my side. My daughters are my whole world, they bring me joy. But I worry for my girls. I have to hope as they get older, Matthew will get better. Surely his instinct as a father will prevail and he will look after his girls? Care for their mom? How could he not?
Some days he is the kindest, sweetest man and really it makes up for the days he’s not.
I can see you shaking your head. I know you think me a big fool. But Susie, I never had what you had. You’re so clever, and independent, and strong. I would never have been able to go off to Harvard and do what you did.
