And then Bram and I get on the ride, I press play on Otis Redding, and we’re off!
Sound good to everyone??
FROM: THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM
TO: SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM, ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM, LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 8:31 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Spier, gotta be honest, this is the most intense email I’ve ever read, and that includes my conspiracy theorist uncle *and* Greenfeld during finals week.
Deep breaths, friend!!!
Sent from G-money’s iPhone
FROM: ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM
TO: THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM, SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM, LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 8:40 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
I LOVE IT!!! He is going to lose his shit (but in his cute little self-contained Bram way, I can’t wait). Simon, you’re a genius.
FROM: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
TO: ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 8:48 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Legit can’t stop laughing at G-money calling out *Bram* for sending intense emails during finals week. Has he met you?
FROM: ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM
TO: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 8:50 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
WELL, AREN’T YOU FUNNY.
FROM: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
TO: ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM, THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM, SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 8:55 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Agreed, Simon. This may actually be Greenfeld-worthy.
Just confirming: We are indeed planning to make it weird for Nora, right?
FROM: SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM
TO: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM, ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM, THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:06 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Oh, we are *absolutely* making it weird for Nora.
FROM: ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM
TO: SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM, LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM, THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:10 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Okay, one question, Si. I know your guy Luke is up to speed and ready to go, but . . . Simon, are we 100 percent sure he’s on duty Friday? Should we have a backup plan lined up?
FROM: SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM
TO: ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM, LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM, THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:15 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
We don’t need a backup plan. ☺ Let’s just say Luke is taking this VERY seriously.
FROM: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
TO: SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM, ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM, THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:18 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Simon . . . please tell me we aren’t Martin Addisoning the Ferris wheel operator.
FROM: SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM
TO: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM, ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM, THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:21 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
WTF, LEAH NO, WE ARE NOT MARTIN ADDISONING THE FERRIS WHEEL OPERATOR!!! Have you considered that maybe Luke just happens to be a nice guy who likes birthdays and wants to help me surprise my boyfriend??
FROM: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
TO: SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM, ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM, THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:23 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Nope, no one likes birthdays that much.
FROM: SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM
TO: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM, ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM, THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:26 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Which is why I told Luke it’s a marriage proposal. ☺
FROM: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
TO: SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM, ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM, THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:27 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
SIMON, NO, THIS IS A VERY BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!!
FROM: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
TO: ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:28 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
OH GOD
FROM: ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM
TO: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:30 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
I KNOW, LEAH, I KNOW, AND I AM UTTERLY SPEECHLESS
FROM: THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM
TO: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM, SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM, ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:31 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
NO FUCKING WAY. Like for real? You guys are getting engaged?? Holy shit Spier, congrats!!!!!
Sent from G-money’s iPhone
FROM: SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM
TO: THE.ORIGINAL.ANGEL.BRO@GMAIL.COM, LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM, ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:35 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Garrett, no!!!! OMG, I’m not actually proposing to Bram on Friday! Oh my god, I’m laughing so hard right now. Garrett, I’m nineteen, I literally don’t eat vegetables yet. LOL, NOT proposing. I just told Luke I’m proposing, so he’ll take the plan seriously.
Glad I could clear that up!!! WOW.
FROM: ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM
TO: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:39 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
This conversation. Is BANANAS.
I’m making popcorn.
FROM: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
TO: ABBYSUSO710@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:41 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
God. What a time to be alive.
All right, wish me luck, I’m going in.
FROM: LEAHONTHEOFFBEAT@GMAIL.COM
TO: SIMONIRVINSPIER@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:53 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Okay, Simon, I need you to listen to me when I tell you THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. Letting people think you’re proposing to Bram is not a good idea. Si, what do you think’s going to happen when you and Bram step off the Ferris wheel? Is your pal Luke going to wish Bram a happy birthday? No, he’s going to congratulate you on your engagement. And every single person in line? Is going to congratulate you on your engagement.
You know what Bram’s going to think, right? He’s going to think you got on that Ferris wheel planning to ask him to marry you.
So put yourself in his head for a second. What if you thought Bram was trying to propose to you? Let’s say you had reason to believe he almost asked you but lost his nerve at the last second.
You’d be asking yourself so many questions, right? Is he the person you want to spend your life with? Your whole life, Simon. Do you want to have sex with him for seventy years? Do you want to change diapers and file taxes and buy health insurance with him? Do you feel like you can even know that right now? And if he’s the one, Simon, do you actually want to do this when you’re nineteen? You have to understand that Bram’s going to be asking himself all these things.
And Simon, say Bram decides yeah, I’m all in. He’ll either be freaking the fuck out, 24/7, waiting for you to actually ask him, or he’s going to turn around and do it himself. Are you ready to be proposed to? Do you know how you’d answer?
I’m sorry, Si, I’m not trying to freak you out. But I get the sense you two are really serious about each other, which means this isn’t just some thought exercise. It’s not something to play around with. I know that’s not your intention, of course, but make sure you’re thinking everything through, okay? Be careful with your heart, and his.
Look, I’m not worried about tomorrow. I can explain everything to Luke before you get there, and we’ll nip this in the bud. But . . . maybe you and Bram should talk about this stuff at some point? I don’t know, maybe you already have. And to be clear, I don’t think most nineteen-year-old couples need to bring this shit into the room
