But I think maybe you guys do.
Simon, why don’t you start with this question for yourself: What made you think of telling Luke this was a marriage proposal? Don’t tell me it’s so he’d take the birthday surprise seriously, I get that. But why a marriage proposal?
And how did it feel when you said it out loud?
FROM: BLUEGREEN118@GMAIL.COM
TO: HOURTOHOUR.NOTETONOTE@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 22 AT 1:56 PM
SUBJECT: IT’S YOU.
Dear Jacques,
Just think: In four months, we’ll be home again, with the whole summer ahead of us, and none of this will feel real. This semester won’t even leave a mark, Simon. It’ll be like some story we heard two years ago.
I can’t wait to forget what missing you feels like.
Well. You’re officially on a plane, and I’ve got about an hour left until mine boards. The goodbye hasn’t really hit me yet. It feels like maybe you’re in the bathroom, or buying overpriced breath mints (mints that I won’t get to experience secondhand) (okay, now it’s starting to hit me).
You know what I hate about endings? The way they always feel like we made some tactical error. Like time only passed because we let it. Can you believe I’m out here regretting the end of January, like it was my choice?
I keep thinking about what Nick said on New Year’s about video game save points. Our little philosopher. I forgot how much sense he makes sometimes (even more so when I’ve had champagne, apparently). I can’t remember how much of that discussion you were there for (I think this was when you were upstairs FaceTiming Kellan and Grover). But I’ll try to walk you through the context.
Okay, so this was about one or two in the morning, and Taylor was relentlessly trying to make a singalong happen. But everyone was pretty lukewarm about it (except Leah, who was emphatically disinterested), so Taylor just started singing by herself. And it was one of those moments, Simon. You want to roll your eyes, because it’s Taylor, but her voice kind of stopped us all in our tracks. It was that song “More Than Words” (I think it’s on your Amtrak shuffle playlist, right?). Anyway, Nick jumped in and started playing it on his guitar and doing this really quiet vocal harmony, and I think we were all a little spellbound. And as soon as it was over, Leah jumped up and ran to the bathroom. Obviously, Abby went after her, and they were both a little red-eyed when they came back. So Taylor asked if they were okay, and Abby smiled and said, “I just wish I could freeze this moment.”
So Nick just kind of stared at them for a minute, and I felt so nauseated, Simon. Because I really thought Nick was in a good place about the whole Abby and Leah thing, but of course I started second-guessing everything. Like, I actually flinched a little when Nick opened his mouth, because I was so sure he was going to say something awkward. But he got this faraway look on his face, and started talking about time and memory. And that’s when you walked in, but I don’t know if you caught what he was saying.
It was basically this: When we say we want to freeze time, what we mean is that we want to control our memories. We want to choose which moments we’ll keep forever. We want to guarantee the best ones won’t slip away from us somehow. So when something beautiful happens, there’s this impulse to press pause and save the game. We want to make sure we can find our way back to that moment.
Simon, you want to know the moment I’d choose for my save point? Last Friday, top of the Ferris wheel. Specifically, the part where you caught me staring at the Tilt-A-Whirl and decided to destroy me with two words.
Can we keep that one? Can we please go back there?
Love,
Blue
FROM: HOURTOHOUR.NOTETONOTE@GMAIL.COM
TO: BLUEGREEN118@GMAIL.COM
DATE: JAN 25 AT 10:41 AM
SUBJECT: I KNOW I’M LATE.
Dear Blue,
Well, here it is: our two-year anniversary. So glad we get to spend it a million fucking miles away from each other. Just like we’ll be spending Valentine’s Day a million fucking miles away from each other.
I didn’t think it could get harder. I guess I thought I’d be used to this? Nope, looks like the only thing I got used to is seeing you every day for winter break. And now you’re gone, and I feel almost decapitated. Like my brain and my body have nothing to do with each other. I keep showing up at class and forgetting the part where I walked there. Or Kellan will say my name, and then I find out it’s the tenth time he’s said it.
Bram, it’s freaking me out. I feel like it’s not even me in my head. I keep thinking about this email Leah sent me over break (which of course I never replied to, because I’m an asshole). I don’t even know what to say about it, B, but different parts of it keep hitting me out of nowhere. Sorry I’m sitting here basically subtweeting someone else’s email. And being a general mopehead. I’ll stop. I’m stopping now. I’m moving on to something happy. Or sad-happy, I guess.
So I’ve been thinking about what I’d pick for my save point. (By the way, I absolutely remember Nick saying this, and for what it’s worth, you explained it all much more poetically. I’m pretty sure Nick used the word “respawning.”)
Anyway, my first thought was the winter carnival (junior year edition). But then I was like, what about the Publix parking lot? Or senior year homecoming? ☺ Or my birthday. Or Macon. Or last Friday. It’s a LOT. And Bram, you know how I am about choices.
But here’s where I landed: I pick now. Like right here in my dorm room, in my golden retriever pajama pants, emailing you from 117 and 1/2 miles away. Because whether I like it or not, my today brain
