“That doesn’t make any sense, you can’t eat jewels.”
“Ah, but the beings who live in Pure Land do eat jewels, Tathagata. They LOVE eating jewels, that’s how refined they are! They don’t eat revolting things like gravy, oh no no. No one here would ever wish for gravy, the truth is they wouldn’t be here in Pure Land if they did, hahahaha! (LSV 19) Because they eat jewels, there are no horrible ailments in Pure Land. There are no retards, no hunchbacks, no cripples, and as for stst-st-stammering, it simply does not exist. Isn’t that wonderful?” (PMKS 228–57)
Now we floated over a grove of tall, thin, perfectly straight trees. “Those are the wishing trees, Tathagata! All you need to do is wish for something from them and you will receive it! Go ahead, my friend, wish for something, anything! A giant diamond perhaps? A massive pearl? A lapis lazuli necklace? Your wish will be fulfilled, whatever it is, I assure you!”
“As I told you, all I wish for is extinction.”
“Oh no no no, Tathagata, that is far too negative! Pure Land is a place of endless happiness and joy!” (NBS)
“Happiness and joy do not even exist. All that exists is pain.”
“How funny you are, Tathagata, how very droll, hahahaha!” Maitreya now steered the flying wooden boat over a vibrant little town where beaming people in brightly colored outfits skipped joyfully about. “Welcome to Amithaba City, Tathagata!”
“Who is Amithaba?”
“Amithaba is the beloved ruler of Pure Land, Tathagata! Soon you will meet him, very exciting.”
Before I could respond, Maitreya nodded excitedly. “Look at all the charming stores, Tathagata! They sell musical instruments—flags … umbrellas … jewelry … perfumes! Everything a person needs to be eternally happy, wouldn’t you say? Look at all the splendid banners!” Looking down, I could see people marching around, carrying banners that read things like, “WE LOVE AMITHABA!” or “HOORAY FOR AMITHABA!” “They are having a parade in honor of their beloved leader!” Maitreya cocked his head slightly. “Listen, Tathagata, even the gods are cheering for them now! And oh my goodness, LOOK! Some of the gods are dancing with them, isn’t that captivating? What a blissful place Pure Land is, eh, Tathagata? All those people and gods dancing and playing trumpets and shaking their jewelry around, this is the true nirvana, isn’t it, my friend?” (LSV 19–26; PMKS 228–57)
Again, before I could respond: “And look at all the happy children, Tathagata! In case you are wondering, by the way, yes, they will stay children indefinitely! No one ages here in Pure Land, there is no birth, no death and certainly no sex (that part I know you will approve of, hahahahahaha! ). Look how the children’s jewelry sparkles! Do you know how many jewels each child’s necklace contains, Tathagata? Five hundred million! That’s a lot of jewels, isn’t it? (BA 12) The gods all have perfect penises, incidentally.” (LSV 35)
“ … What did you just say?”
“Perfect penises, the gods all have them, as I’m sure you know.”
Now we suddenly passed through a thick cloud of flowers. “It’s raining flowers, Tathagata, isn’t it glorious? Look at all the beautiful birds down on the ground. Six times a day they perform a concert, singing about virtue and wisdom and also of course praising our beloved leader, Amithaba! (SSV 6) And listen to that stream, Tathagata! It’s making music too, do you hear? The stream’s song is discussing the nature of suffering. How very profound! Look, Tathagata, musical instruments are floating all around us, playing along with the stream’s melancholy tune! How utterly breathtaking!” (LSV 23; BA 14)
We headed towards what looked like an endless, perfectly circular lake covered with gigantic flowers. “Now we get to the most important part of Pure Land, Tathagata: The giant lotus flowers! These flowers, in case you are wondering, are one hundred miles wide! Out of the center of each one of them shoot trillions of rays of light, and from each individual ray of light emerges—you will like this, Tathagata—three thousand seven hundred golden Buddhas!! Look at all the golden Buddhas popping out of the giant lotus flowers, they seem virtually infinite, don’t they?” (LSV 16)
It was true, the sky around us was suddenly thick with flying golden Buddhas. “This is a dream,” I murmured to myself. “It is literally not possible for there to be so many Buddhas.”
“Oh, and why not, Tathagata?”
“The appearance of a single Buddha is a momentous occasion in the history of the universe.”
“Agreed!”
“If even a second Buddha were to appear, the entire universe would collapse.”
“Oh no no no!”
“A Buddha requires ALL of the universe’s resources to sustain his brief and shining presence and therefore there cannot possibly be trillions of them, it is absurd.” (MQ; LOT)
“But look at all the golden Buddhas flying around! And here’s a fun fact: Eventually everyone will be a Buddha and do you know why? Because everyone possesses Buddha Nature!”
“No, I am the only Buddha.”
“Indeed you are, Tathagata! But not for much longer, haha!” Then, in a hushed, reverent voice: “Look, Tathagata, it is Amithaba.”
There, at the center of the largest lotus flower of them all, dead center of the giant lake, sat a motionless figure, dressed all in white. As we glided silently towards him: “All you need to do to come live here in Pure Land and exist in eternal pleasure is say his name, Tathagata.” Maitreya whispered. “On your deathbed, merely say, ‘Amithaba … Amithaba … Amithaba,’ and he will guide you here to Pure Land, if you are lucky on his boat of love, ‘Najrayana,’ which means ‘Diamond Thunderbolt Vehicle.’ Isn’t that spectacular?” (LSV 28; OJO, Pure Land)
“No, it’s pretentious.”
“Remember, Tathagata—‘Amithaba … Amithaba … Amithaba.’”
Then, in a flash I was standing at the center of the giant lotus flower, facing Amithaba. He sat cross-legged with his eyes closed. I looked around; Maitreya was gone. Without opening his eyes, Amithaba spoke. “I am Amithaba,” he
