To the good comes the good
To the bad comes the bad
I feel no anger, I am not sad
I am not bitter, I feel no lust
Soon I will be merely bones, merely dust.
Later that day I rested on one side, catching my breath between bouts of diarrhea. Ananda sat next to me, holding my hand. As I winced, he squeezed my hand. “Shall I sing to you of your many marvelous qualities, master?”
“That would be very nice, Ananda,” I whispered.
Ananda had a deep, gravelly singing voice, not exactly good but definitely sincere. “Morning star, oh man of love, Holy One came from above,” he began.
“Lovely …”
“Always good and always true, like a glorious sky of blue. Lotus man, no Lotus King, you know literally everything!”
“It’s true …”
“Like an angel is this man, who can best him, no one can! Exalted Being, Incomparable Soul, utter extinction is your goal!”
“Well done, Ananda, thank you, my UUUHHHHHHHH.” I stopped, unable to continue because of the pain. A few moments later, Ananda looked at me with an unsure expression on his face. “Master?”
“Hm?”
“Is it true that another Buddha, named ‘Maitreya,’ is already in heaven, getting ready to enter the world and teach us?”
“Who said that?”
“I have heard various townspeople talking about it. Some of them are praying to be reborn when Maitreya arrives, others are using alchemy to extend their lives so that they might meet him.”
“These people are delusional, Ananda.”
“They say his name means ‘Kindness,’ master. They believe that he will be exceedingly kind and good-hearted, jovial even.”
“Enough about this made-up character, ‘Maitreya.’ I need to rest, Ananda.”
“Yes, master, I’m so sorry, master.”
26
That night I had a vivid dream. I was flying over the world in a wooden boat. Hearing a slight giggle, I turned to my left. A fat, shirtless man sat there, grinning back at me as he guided the flying boat. “Who are you?” I whispered.
“Do you not know me, Tathagata?” the man chuckled, his great belly jiggling as he did.
“Are you the one called ‘Maitreya’?”
“Indeed I am, Tathagata, the very one, hahahahaha!”
“What are you laughing about?”
“I am jolly, Tathagata, for many reasons, but in part because I am thrilled to see my half-brother!”
“We are not half-brothers.”
“Oh, but we are! Maya is my mother too! (GV 44) Also, I bear wonderful news!”
“What do you mean?”
“Look down, my friend!”
I did and saw that we were flying over the Ganges. “First the bad news, Tathagata. Your lovely little religion is going to fail utterly here in your homeland. There are several reasons for this: Hinduism, which you have stolen so much from (hahaha, just kidding—dharma, karma, reincarnation, meditation, these are only TINY little lifts, right?), will reassert itself. Then later, a whole new religion will appear from the west, Tathagata, expressing a belief in one god who rules over absolutely everything. ‘Allah,’ they will call him, and between these two, Hinduism and what will be called ‘Islam,’ your charming little religion will be swept away completely, Tathagata, oh boohoo! But not to worry, my friend, because now we get to the wonderful news! Your religion, you see, will simply move north—NOW you will understand why I look the way I do—into China!”
Suddenly the flying boat zoomed up and over the Himalayas and in the blink of an eye we were cruising over a landscape I had never seen before.
“Your religion will flourish in China, Tathagata!” Maitreya announced. “Here they will grasp things about your teachings that no one ever had before!”
“Like what?”
“Like the existence of Pure Land, for instance!”
“Pure Land? What are you talking about?”
“Hahaha, you are so funny, Tathagata! Pure Land, where one lives in eternal bliss after death!”
“I never said anything about the existence of such a place. What I said was that life is pain and the only relief from that pain is extinction. I have literally never said one word about a place called ‘Pure Land.’”
Maitreya smiled a sly little smile and spoke in an insinuating voice which I instantly despised. “Oh, but people were onto you, Tathagata, they knew what you really meant. After you are dead (and it won’t be long now, my friend, that pig’s delight is doing its work on you as we speak, haha), lessons will emerge in which you reveal your real meaning! You didn’t achieve ‘enlightenment’ at the age of thirty-five, you were enlightened the whole time, you were just being clever!” (LOT) Then, before I could respond, Maitreya cried out, “Hold on, Clever One!” and we shot forward again, this time zooming across the ocean. As we approached a large island, he nodded. “Here is another place where your religion will take hold, Tathagata. Supreme wisdom here in Japan will be realized through asking questions such as the following: ‘What is the sound of one hand clapping?’”
“ … What?”
“What is the sound—?”
“It doesn’t make any sense, one hand can’t possibly—”
Maitreya casually reached over and slapped me in the face, hard.
“What was that for?”
“That is how future students will be taught in Japan, Tathagata!”
“By being hit ?”
“It will lead them to sudden awakening! Here’s another excellent question for you: ‘What is the Buddha?’”
“I don’t …”
“A dried shit stick!” Maitreya cried merrily and once again hit me in the face with his meaty hand. (CSG)
“I am certainly not a dried shit stick and stop hitting me.”
“Now the real excitement begins, Tathagata, hold on tight!” Maitreya exclaimed and with that, we suddenly exploded straight upward at a dazzling speed. The moon, the stars and the planets whizzed by us in a sort of mad blur before, just as suddenly as we took off, we slowed down. We were now floating lazily over an almost indescribably beautiful landscape, green and verdant, laced with burbling, limpid streams and dotted with magnificently vibrant flowers and trees.
“Where are we?” I gasped.
“Welcome to Pure Land, Tathagata. Breathtaking, isn’t it?!” As we drifted slowly over a
