Lets review. Because when I do, I start to see a picture I wasn't sure I totally liked. It involved me, running around after a guy. Non stop. Always. Day and night. He'd consumed my every waking moment, and most of my thoughts. I'd created an entire life around him to the exclusion of almost everyone around me. Jarred for example, I'd never given it a proper go. Not that I was saying it would work. In fact, it probably wouldn't have worked, but I had never let myself even try.
"Hey?" McKenzie slid up behind me with a cup of hot chocolate. She had one too. Big pink marshmallows floating on top and a generous sprinkling of chocolate.
"That's a trip down memory lane," I said, taking the cup and remembering the good old days, before my mother became allergic to sugar. McKenzie and I used to build tents in the lounge and "camp" there for the night. We'd pretend we were in some far off, mystic fairytale land and drink our hot chocolate. That of course was before... well...
"You're thinking about Mike." She said leaning against the balustrade and looking at me.
I nodded. "I feel so stupid..."
"Don't!" She cut me off with a hand to her shoulder and then stopped and smiled. "God this kind of feels weird, right? Us? Like this...." Her face turned solemn and she removed her hand quickly, like she had scolded it on fire. "This is not... I mean, this is real, right? Not temporary. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and you're gone again. All Gone Girl, without Ben Affleck or something? Except you're prettier than that chick that acted in the film... whatever."
I smiled at her. I'd missed this. Her strange quirks, the way she phrased things. She had this unique way about her. A kind of bubbly, effervescent personality that had been stifled for so long, mainly due to me. And like a champagne cork popped open, it was now spewing out and it was more fizzy and fun than ever.
"No. This is real." I went in for a hug and realised that our mugs were in the way.
"Air hug!" McKenzie quickly declared and mimed patting me on the back with her free hand! I laughed out loud. I can't believe I'd forgotten how funny she was.
We both heard a noise and turned. Our full-of-declarations father was standing at the window holding a fancy looking glass of red wine. He had a smile on his face and raised his glass to us both in a toast. We held our mugs up and in that moment, this amazing rush of warmth came over me. I had not felt this connected to my family in years. And maybe I had forgotten how good that connection felt. And then, in true mother fashion, she came out of the shadows like a demon and grabbed my dads wine glass. A wiggle of a finger, a shake of disapproval and she was off with it!
McKenzie and I smiled at each other in mutual amused-appreciation of this strange woman that was our mother. No doubt she was going to give my dad a lecture later about how bad wine was for his cholesterol, or arthritis, or bones, or teeth or other bodily part or disease that he did not have.
"So, what are you going to do about him?" McKenzie turned to me, after the parental show was over, and asked.
I shrugged. "I love him." I bit my lip and tried not to show the emotions.
"I know." She sighed. "I really like him, despite what I've said to you over the years. He's pretty cool, albeit as blind as a mole rat... wait, are they blind? Oh, that's bats. Ag, you know what I mean."
"He is cool." I said. "He's awesome, he's Mike. I don't think I know what my life would be like if I didn't love him. It's almost all I know."
McKenzie nodded, looking like she was thinking hard about this. "Well, if it's meant to be, love with find a way. Look at the gay marriage thing, Love Won! That's saying something!"
"Does love always win?" I asked tentatively.
"I don't know. I'm the wrong person to be asking, I totally suck at relationships. Look at all the prize-winning douche bags I've dated over the years..." She looked behind her and then whispered in my ear, "Honestly, I only dated a few of them to freak mom out!" She flashed me a conspiratorial smile followed by a wink.
"I might start dating a chick to freak her out even further." I quipped back.
"Oh my god, we should both start dating chicks. Can you imagine the tail spin she'd go into?! It would be hysterical, she'd probably sneak into our rooms at night and throw holy water on us. Organic holy water!"
We both burst out laughing at the same time. "This is fun!"
"Totally."
I looked at Mackenzie's face in the orange light. She was a stunner. A knock-a-man-off-his-feet stunner. She was my twin, and I loved her. I'd missed her....
And right there, I knew what I had to do.
Mike
I climbed back down the trellis with a sense of finality. How many more times would I climb up and down this piece of slatted wood to see Maria?
I walked across the short lawn that divided our houses, paused and stopped at the tree - that over the years- had grown so big. It was almost obscuring our view of each other now... metaphor here? Possibly.
I didn't feel like going home, but also didn't know where else to go. As I approached my house though, my
