I stared at the stars again. Last time we had looked up at the stars like this, I had wanted to tell him how much I loved him, and now I could.
"I love you Mike." I said, not taking my eyes off the bright star that was rising fast. He fell back down on his elbow.
"I love you too, Maria." He kissed my lips gently again. It was so bitter sweet. God, I wished this moment could last forever.
"I've book that trip next year." I finally managed after a silence that felt like it went on for far too long.
"So I'll come with you?" he quickly jumped in. "I'll quickly book and we'll go together. You know how much fun we'd have-"
I cut him off quickly before I bought into this plan and allowed my imagination to run away with me. "What did the scout say?"
He paused like he was reluctant to speak. "He offered me a full college scholarship and-" He stopped mid sentence.
"And?" I urged.
"A scholarship to the best tennis school out of state to finish the year there."
My heart palpitated.
"But I'm not going. This, you, are more important to me than and tennis scholarship."
"NO!" The word came out loudly and he was taken aback. I knew he would be offered a college scholarship, but I had no idea he would be offered an opportunity to go to another school now. But I also knew that if i was a good friend, and my love was truly unselfish, I would have to convince him to take it. All of it.
"You have to go." I said. Perhaps the hardest thing I'd ever said in my life. The words got stuck in my throat.
He shook his head vigorously. "No! I can't, not when you and I are just starting. I can't."
I sat up and stared off into the distance, I had been practicing this little speech in my head for ages now, and this was the cue to launch into it.
"Mike, this thing between us... it's, it's..." Fuck, what were the words that McKenzie had used that had made so much sense at the time. "Consumed me and my life for so long, that I..." Fuck the words were slipping out of my consciousness fast, perhaps because they were the last words on earth I wanted to say right now.
"Consumed? You make it sound like a bad thing?" he asked, sounding worried.
"Maybe it is." My voice and demeanor was coy. "Maybe my whole life has kind of revolved around you, like my real life had been on hold or something." I paused and thought about McKenzie for a moment and the thought of her gave me the courage to say the next thing. "It's also cost me. A lot. Like my relationship with McKenzie."
"What you mean?"
"All this time, she's been hurt, because I kind of dumped her for you. Which wasn't cool of me, and I think I need to put some energy into fixing it. And I don't think I can do that when my life revolves around you."
"Wow. Okay, I didn't know that. You really mean that?"
I shrugged. "I think so... I mean, it's....I've been silently loving you for ten years and it's been..."
"Unbearable." He said and nodded. "I can kind of imagine. This week has felt unbearable, not knowing how you felt, or being able to speak to you, I know it's a tiny thing compared to ten years, but I think I get it a bit."
Silence. All I could hear were the crickets and some leaves rustling as a breeze blew through them.
"So what are you saying, Maria?"
I swallowed hard. "I... I... don't think I can say it out loud."
"I see." He said, sounding far away.
I turned and looked at him for the first time in a while. I hadn't been able to up until now.
"I think you should take the scholarship. Both of them."
His head whipped around, "But that would mean moving, across states to a boarding school and hardly seeing you for the rest of the year. You don't really mean that?"
My face fell, I could feel it and his did too.
"So what are you saying? That this is over?" He looked heart broken and mine broke too and it took all my restraint not to forget everything I knew was right and just kiss him again and stay that way forever.
"Was I too late?" He asked, the heart broke look gave way to panic. "This is my fault, isn't it?"
I shook my head. "No. It's no ones fault, it's just the way it is."
"Can I fix it? What can I do? I'll do anything Maria. You're my best friend-"
"I'll always be your best friend." I quickly added.
"Just no more than that?" He said.
Another one of those nauseating silence crept in.
"I would not be your best friend and love you if I didn't tell you to take the scholarship and all the opportunities being given to you, and you would not be mine if.... If you, fuck! If you didn't see that I needed to do this. To travel, to.... I've lost myself a bit and I..."
The tears started again.
"You need a break from me?" He said. He sounded devastated. I was devastated. This was the single hardest, most grown up thing I had ever done in my life before. What do they say...often the right thing to do feels like the worst thing in the world? Or something like that.
"Yes." I whispered. "I need a break. For this. From you."
Mike
Maria needed a break from me.
The words, and more importantly what the hell they actually meant, slammed into me so hard that it felt like I had just been winded. I tried to inhale, but the air felt like it was almost too
