Suki cackles. “Who’s going to kill you, B?”
“Ali. Greenleaf. I just heard her say she’s gonna kill Blythe,” Donnie says, her face lighting up.
“Ambitious, aren’t you, junior?” Suki says.
They’ve been waiting to attack her for months. Ali’s face sinks. My instinct is to protect her. Shield her from all this. But I can’t. I don’t even understand how this happened.
“Why would you threaten to kill me?” I screech. “And grab at my dress like that? Have you lost your fucking mind?”
“You were holding on to my hand.”
“Just back off, Blythe,” Raj says.
“No, I think your little friend Ali drank too much tonight, and we all know what happens when baby drinks too much, don’t we?” Donnie says, taunting her.
“I was trying to help you.” Every word, curt. Clear, spitting. “I want to help you—and this? And you treat me like this?”
“How many times have I told you not to waste your time with this one?” Donnie says, but she’s preaching now. She’s not making any sense. “This is how ungrateful they all are. These children.”
They’re all watching me.
Dev, Sean, Suki, Donnie. They expect me to say something. To have a retort.
I look Ali in the eye, and she finally looks me in the eye.
“What were you thinking?”
ALI
But I don’t know how to explain it to her. The closer Sean Nessel came, how close he is now, the more boxed in I felt. That maybe he’d try to kiss me. Or get me drunk again. Or try to apologize. Something false and irrelevant. And I’d do it again. Because I don’t trust myself. Isn’t it why I came here? Some stupid idea to prove him wrong? To show him I’m fine. I’m not fine.
He’s still there. Standing right there, behind them as they crowd around me. As they circle the town freak. He’s just waiting to pounce on me.
“I can’t explain what happened. . . . I . . .”
I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to cry.
BLYTHE
You can’t tell a girl like me that you’re going to kill her without repercussions.
You can’t do that. Not in front of these girls. Suki, Cate, and Donnie would never allow that. I would never allow that. Everything I have is built on saving face.
If I show empathy, they’ll come after me. If I make excuses for her, they’ll come after me.
It would make me look weak.
And I never look weak.
I give her a second more. Anything, Ali. Anything, Greenleaf. Say anything to me.
But she’s in space. Like she doesn’t exist. Almost like that night I saw her run out of Sophie Miller’s party. So I’m going to save her from herself.
“Disappear,” I say in this girly-girl baby voice, like Cinderella’s fairy godmother.
28
ALI
I can’t breathe. I can hardly stand. I spin around and there he is. Backing out of the crowd, floating toward me. So I run the other way down the hall, not looking back.
I tear around the corner to a set of lockers. Raj follows me, calling my name.
“Ali—talk to me.”
I pace back and forth. My body not my own. How did this happen? How did I get here? Put myself here? How have I lost myself and how do I get myself back?
I crouch down on the floor. I’m scared now.
“Tell me you’re okay.”
“But I’m not okay, Raj. There’s no okay to be found here.” My voice cracking. Can’t even get the words out.
“You stood up to her. Do you understand that? You stood up to Blythe in front of all her friends.”
“It wasn’t her I wanted to stand up to.”
“What do you mean?”
I kick the locker with my poor kitten heel and the stupid tiny heel gets caught in the locker slat. I can’t pull it out. I take my other shoe off and throw it at the stuck shoe. It bangs against the locker, sounding like an explosion. Then I collapse down to my knees, curl my feet under me, my red tights so bright and wild. They’re tights for a confident girl. Not a girl like me. Not a messed up, damaged girl like me.
“I think I may have broken my toe.”
Raj kneels next to me.
“Talk to me, Greenleaf.”
“It’s him, don’t you understand?”
Raj is so sweet. He always has the right answers. But he’s not going to have the right answers for this. I don’t know if he’s going to want to be around me anymore when he hears this.
“It’s him. It’s Sean Nessel. He did this. I’m out of control now and I can’t get rid of it. I feel like I have no brain. Like someone else owns me. Like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.”
I cradle my foot in my hand. My black eyeliner drips down my face like a swarm of black ants. Messy glitter across my cheek. I can feel it.
I want to get a big giant marker and scribble all over the locker so that everyone can see.
Something happened to me.
No one would know what it means. But I would know it was there.
Something happened to me.
I know what it is, but I haven’t been able to say it.
I was raped.
I can’t say this out loud. I don’t want to. How would I even begin? It’s quiet between me and Raj for at least ten minutes. Electronica in the background. The music pumping from the dance.
“I don’t know how we’re going to get out of here,” I say.
“We’re going to walk out.”
“Everyone’s going to stare.”
“Not if I protect you with my invisible shield.”
“What if Blythe comes looking for me?”
“I have a special invisible spray, so she’ll have to stay ten feet away. And a golden lasso.”
Hands over my face. Breathe. Try to breathe.
“I never told you about my sister?” he says.
I shake my head. He always has a story.
“In college last year. She was raped by someone at a frat formal.”
I don’t look at him when he says this. That word. That word. I want it to drift away into the clouds. I
