“I’m going to go get that monster and kick him out.” He walks out of the room, his basketball shorts hanging on his hips. Just one look at him, and my mouth waters. Another thing that has changed is that he has changes of clothes here. When he comes in after work, he changes into something more comfortable and always leaves those clothes here.
I hear some banging coming from Rachel’s room and then a swoosh of something. Rachel curls up tightly into me, and I pull her into my arms to hold her. “Honey, there is nothing to be scared of.”
“All gone.” Austin comes back into the room scratching his side.
Rachel pulls the cover from her face watching Austin. “Are you sure?” she asks, while he nods yes.
She gets up and stars jumping on the bed till she jumps into his arms. “You killed the monster? For me?”
“Anything for you, princess,” he replies with a kiss to her head.
“I love you, Asstin,” she says, and my mouth just opens and closes as I stumble to formulate a response. But Austin doesn’t skip a beat.
“Well, that’s good, because I love you, too.” He climbs back into bed with her held close to his chest.
“Are you going to do sleepovers like Ms. Camilla does with Dad?”
Austin looks over at me as if to ask for the right words to say. When I just shrug my shoulders, he once again proves his words from two weeks ago when he does his own thing and tells her, “I would like that a lot, and maybe sometime we could have a sleepover at my house. Would you like that?”
“Are there monsters at your house?” She asks him with all the seriousness of a scared six-year-old little girl.
“Nope, none. I think Noah has some at his house, though.” He smiles over her head at me.
“We are never sleeping at Noah’s house, Mommy.” She turns to me. “But maybe we could try sleeping at Asstin’s?”
“Yes, baby.” I kiss her head. “Maybe we can.” I return his smile over her head.
“Do you love my mommy, Asstin?” Her question has my breath stopping in my chest. My heart is beating so fast and loud in my ears, I’m pretty sure that people on the moon can hear it, so obviously the two other people in this bed with me surely can, too.
“Rachel, honey, how about we make some pancakes?” I try to get out of bed in an attempt to forget the question, trying to bail Austin out from having been put on the spot. As I whip the covers off me and Rachel to get us out of bed, Austin’s arm reaches out and latches around mine to halt my movements. I look at his hand on my arm, but I’m too afraid to look up at him.
I don’t know if I want to know the answer. I mean, I do want to know, but I don’t know if this is the way I want to learn it. What if he is feeling forced into telling me? What if he just doesn’t want to say it?
“I love your mom more than you know,” he answers her, and me as well. His words bring tears to my eyes. There’s a softness, almost a reverence to his voice as if he’s talking to me, only me, as if we were alone. “I’ve never loved anyone the way I love your mom.” One tear slips out, landing on my arm and rolling onto his hand that grips me. “To the moon and back,” he says, quoting one of the books he’s read to Rachel when he was putting her to bed while I was out one night last week.
“That’s a lot.” Rachel stretches out her arms as wide as she can. “It’s big, really big, like this, right?”
He squeezes my arm again. “Bigger.”
“Do you want pancakes?” Rachel asks Austin, then whispers to him, “If you want, you can ask for chocolate and bananas. Those are the bestest ones that Mommy makes,” she informs him as she climbs over him to get up. “Mommy puts chocolate spread on them and then she cuts bananas in a smile.” She nods her head to convince him as if it is something unbelievable. “Ask her.”
“Will you make me pancakes, Lauren?” He’s almost whispering.
I nod my head, the lump in my throat threatening to dislodge and let loose the sob it’s holding back. “I need the washroom,” I say, rushing into the bathroom and locking the door behind me. I slide down the door, listening to Austin tell Rachel that she could go downstairs and start taking out the bowls. Once I hear her running out of the room and then downstairs, I listen for Austin’s steps.
I don’t hear anything until I there’s a soft knock at the door. “Baby, open the door,” he urges softly.
“Um, I’ll meet you downstairs,” I say, trying to get my voice to come out without cracking.
“Baby, open the door, please,” he whispers into the crack of the door.
I get up and slowly unlock the door, opening it slightly. “I’m okay.”
“I didn’t want to tell you like that.” He pushes the door open and grabs me around the waist to carry me over to the vanity, where he sets me down. He pushes the hair from around my face, tucking it behind my ears. “I wanted to tell you in some romantic way.” He opens my legs, stepping in between them, while I put my hands on his waist. “But this is our normal now.” He smirks at me. “And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you. I love how much you love your children. I love how much you put up with from your sister, who is crazy, by the way.” I smile at that comment, thinking of last week when she made tofu burgers and didn’t tell him, and they
