From my parking spot under the Alaskan Way Viaduct across from the dock, I saw Alex stride out of the terminal wearing her trademark T-shirt, jeans, and Frye boots. I stuck my head out the window to wave her over.
“Ohmygod.” Alex laughed when she saw my getup. “You are fucking adorable.”
“I’m a Seattle tourist!” I bowed deep and handed her the flowers.
Embracing me with her whole body, Alex breathed me in. “I never get sick of how good you smell.”
Not content with a hug, I cupped her head and threaded my fingers through her soft hair and pulled her toward me. Her lips parted and our tongues touched tentatively, then she opened for me and we had a proper kiss that turned into groping on my part. I couldn’t help but get carried away around her.
“Jace, wait. I have to tell you something,” Alex’s expression shuttered, and she stepped back from me.
“Nooooooo.” I shook my head and put my fingers in my ears.
Her face scrunched up. She seemed very stressed. “I’m serious.”
“Poppy, what is it?” Now I was worried.
Alex took a deep breath and gestured for me to get into the truck. She walked around and sat in the passenger seat, clasping her hands in her lap, looking forlorn.
“No, don’t break up with me,” I whispered.
“I’m late.” She puffed out air, ignoring my plea, but it was clear that she was trying to stop herself from crying.
“For what?”
She looked up at me like I was an idiot.
Oh. Shit.
Realization dawned on me. “Wow.”
“Yeah.” Tears pooled in her beautiful blue eyes. For the first time since I’d known her, she made no attempt to hide them.
“It will be okay.” I hadn’t considered having kids this early and the thought terrified me, but I would never let Alex know that in a time like this.
“I really don’t want kids, Jace.” Alex clenched her eyes shut. “And I don’t want to have a kid with a guy who doesn’t even live in the same country as me.”
Her words were like a punch to my gut. My heart hit the top of my throat. I didn’t know what to say. Did she think I wasn’t good enough to be a father? My dad was a great father. I had a great family.
What the fuck was her problem with me?
Then I realized she was scared. She was only twenty-three. So young. Alex was the age I had been when we met. It would be up to me to be the strong one.
“Poppy, I’ve got you. Let’s go get a test.” I took her hand and rubbed her knuckles with my thumb. “There’s no point in getting so stressed when we don’t know anything for sure.”
“I’m never late, Jace.” Alex burst into tears.
“Well—It will be okay. We’ll figure this out.” I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it. “There is a Bartell Drugs a block away from my condo, we can just go there first and then head back to my place.”
By the time I parked in my underground garage, Alex’s tears had subsided. She leaned over and stroked my cheek, giving me a small smile. I wrapped my arm around her and held her head to my chest.
“You’d be a great father, Jace,” Alex mumbled into my chest. “I’m sorry if I hurt you, it came out wrong.”
“It’s okay, we’re both scared.”
“Let me run over and get the tests, I don’t want to risk you getting recognized.”
“I should be with you for all of this, we are in this together.” The last thing I’d ever do was abandon her, no fucking way.
“Don’t be stupid, if someone takes your picture buying a pregnancy test it will be a disaster for both of us. You know this.” Alex opened the car door. “I’ll be back in a second, I’ll see you up at your place.”
Alex returned ten minutes later with four different tests. She wouldn’t let me in when she had to pee on each stick, but we put them on paper towels on my kitchen counter and sat on the bar stools waiting for the timer to go off. When the stove dinged, hand in hand we went to examine the tests. I put on my reading glasses and looked at the sticks with her.
Negative
Negative
Negative
Negative
“Oh, thank God.” Alex buried her face in her hands and sobbed like I’d never heard her sob before.
My heart fucking hurt.
Unexpectedly.
I realized that I was hoping the test would be positive. I wasn’t sure why she was so goddamn relieved. Was it because a baby would bind her to me? I couldn’t really process my thoughts because I wasn’t even sure if I was ready to raise a child with Alex. My mind was reeling.
“You’re happy then,” I stated, not asked.
“Yes, I really, really don’t want kids.” Alex was so visibly relieved. “I’ve been thinking about getting my tubes tied so I don’t ever have to worry about it.”
“That seems a bit extreme.” I was shocked that she’d be so drastic about it.
“For you maybe, because you want kids.”
“Sure, I’d like kids. But it’s not a deal breaker, Alex,” I answered honestly. “Why do you feel so strongly?”
“I don’t know. It just isn’t for me.” She shrugged unapologetically. “I love animals. When I’m around kids, I like them. But I don’t have motherly instincts.”
“That’s because you’re only twenty-three.” I furrowed my brow.
“You don’t get to tell me what I want, Jace.” Alex was angry now. “I’ve been stressed about this for two weeks, and you haven’t been around long enough for—”
Two fucking weeks?
“Alex, I’ve done everything I could to free up time to spend with you. You’re the one who went over to Bainbridge on the one day I had off.” I was pissed. “Why didn’t you tell me before today?”
“Because at first, I wasn’t sure I was going to tell you.” Alex couldn’t meet my eye.
“What the fuck?”
“I couldn’t do that to you,” she whispered. “I couldn’t ever hurt you the way Zoey hurt Ty.”
I sat there in
