I wrapped the towel around myself. “I need time.”
“I know, child. Wait a few days, and then we will do the joining ritual.”
I looked up at her. “Will it hurt?” I asked quietly.
She reached out to stroke my wet hair, love and worry shining in her eyes.
“No, sweet girl. It will not hurt at all.”
***
I told Inola I did not want to stay in Gabriel’s room, and if I was to join Violet Memory, I needed my own room. I followed her after I got dressed, not even glancing in Gabriel’s direction.
Inola stopped at a door down the hallway from his room.
“Seriously?” I said. “How about some distance?”
She unlocked the door and gestured inside. “How about you stop being so picky? Besides, this room should be familiar.”
I peeked inside. It was the room I had stayed in before because of the broken window in Gabriel’s room. Out of habit, I noted there was no kindling or wood for the cold fireplace.
I smiled when I spied the balls of gray and white fluff in the corner and the cage and tank next to them. I walked to them carefully, unsure if they could sense the difference in me.
“Hey, Millie. Hey, Denny,” I said gently.
My cats were a little uneasy at first. They sniffed at me for a few minutes before finally purring.
Dandelion and Panini huddled together before settling down, their noses constantly twitching toward me. They both licked me, and I took that for a good sign.
Nelly was sleeping, curled up and unbothered under her heat lamp. I had a feeling she wouldn’t care or even notice if I grew horns and sprouted wings.
“I figured you would want a room to yourself, so Thomas brought them here. Your fish are in the aquarium inside the library,” Inola said. She looked happy to see me with my pets.
I picked Millie up, cautiously observing the reflection shining in her eyes.
My features were enhanced to perfection. The difference was not drastic, but it was noticeable. I was paler, my cheeks devoid of any pink. My eyes swirled with glowing color, the blue, green, and gold competing against one another. The individual hues became more prominent depending on how I shifted.
“Thank you,” I said to Inola sincerely. Trying to be as gentle as possible, I held Millie close to my chest.
Inola came up behind me and tickled Dandelion’s nose through the cage. “Can I get you anything?” she asked quietly.
“No. I just . . . I’m kind of scared of being alone.”
She patted my shoulder. “I will stay with you.”
“Thank you.”
For three days, I hardly moved. I mostly stayed in the corner and held my animals while Inola sat in an overstuffed armchair, reading and sipping coffee.
I had no desire to do anything, and once again, the auto-pilot mode took over me.
To my great surprise and relief, I was starting to feel nothing at all. For hours I stared at the wall, only breathing a few times per minute. The box fan in the room stayed on, drowning out many of the sounds of the other vampires here, but I could still hear many things if I cared enough to concentrate.
I had to really focus on not giving in to my thirst when I smelled blood. It seemed to be a nearly constant presence here. Although always tinged with iron, the blood smelled different depending on whether it was vampire blood or human blood, and even then, they all had an individual scent mixed in with the iron.
I knew human blood from vampire blood by instinct, and the human blood was definitely harder to ignore.
Yet none of the scents of blood bothered me as much as Gabriel’s had.
His blood had beckoned to me in a way that had been irresistible. It was made for me. It was mine, but I wasn’t going to take his essence inside of me; my bitterness was more powerful than the captivating call and smell of his blood.
Occasionally, I would shudder, feeling the knife at my stomach and remembering Gabriel’s blissful bite at my neck, but I forced the panic away out of sheer desperation. The more I repressed, the deader inside I became.
Distantly, I knew there was panic building behind the dam of numbness inside my heart, but I couldn’t worry about my emotions exploding again.
How could I worry when I had lost the ability to care?
Slowly, the soothing balm of blood left my throat. The pain of thirst reminded me more than my heightened senses and appearance ever could of what I was now. No matter what, the fire burning inside my neck was something that could not be ignored.
When I slept, I chose to dream. I dreamed of my parents, my grandmother, and my lost friends. My life that could have been. I dreamed of playing with my dogs in the sunshine.
So many things forever lost to me.
I would never have any more dogs; I refused to try to replace the three pets that had loved me so unconditionally. They had guarded me and slept with me as I’d cried from nightmares and darkness. I would never forget them. Their lives and deaths were forever carved into my heart.
Never again would I see the sun. Only the glow of the moon and the stars could touch me, a distant reminder of a much warmer light.
And never again would I allow myself to fall under the spell of Gabriel’s hypnotic gaze. Maybe becoming a vampire was always meant to be my fate, but I was not going to allow myself to love him anymore.
His fault. Everything was Gabriel’s fault. All his fault . . .
No matter what I let myself dream, those very words refused to fade, chanting like a sickness inside my head.
But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. His eyes, his touch, his blood. His soul.
***
I was fully numb to everything except the pain inside my throat.
I
