My eyes opened. As my gaze met Jasmina’s, I understood. She wasn’t talking about my vampirism—she was talking about me loving and wanting Gabriel. She had warned me before it was not a fight I could win.
I peeked at Gabriel. He was trying to keep his apathetic mask in place, but it slipped at the edges and pain entered his eyes. I was in silent agony, and he knew it. While my body was trying to protect me from the worst parts of myself, it could not shield me forever. A crack splintered its way through the dam.
You killed me. I willed for Gabriel to hear my thoughts, but I knew there was no way he could. Still, by the look in his eyes, I knew he understood.
You killed me.
I took the goblet from Jasmina and drank. I could taste Gabriel’s blood; it stood out amidst all the others.
The goblet fell from my fingers, the fire inside my throat cooling to a dying ember.
You killed me.
Chapter 10 And I Ached
Twice blood had been forced upon me, and I was not going to let it happen a third time.
Vaguely, I knew I was being irrational. I wasn’t an idiot—my memories were branded with the images of a bloodstained, mad Lucy. I could perfectly picture Gabriel’s lifeless eyes as he came toward me, all of his love for me evaporated in that moment because of the monster inside.
I knew if I went long enough without blood, I would become crazed, but I just couldn’t bring myself to care about the blood frenzy.
Did I really want this life? Could I even live with myself and go on knowing Elias was still out there?
For four days, I went through the motions. I slept, ate, showered, and cared for my pets. I rarely spoke.
I helped Thomas cook whenever he prepared food for us. I gardened with Inola, blindly following her instructions and frequently stopping my work to listen to her sing with my new ears. She didn’t comment when I refused to touch the roses.
I had no piano in my room, so I tentatively played the one in the music room when no one else was in there. With my enhanced senses and sharper memory, playing was much easier. I vastly improved in a short period, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about the accomplishment.
I wandered the large library after feeding the fish in the giant aquarium with either Millie or Denny in my arms. I didn’t like to read, but I did like to imagine the fantasies contained between the pages of the dusty volumes even if I didn’t indulge in them. The vast collection and the old-fashioned furnishings were impressive, and running my hand along them made me feel as if I were living in a different time period than the rest of the world.
I never lingered too long, as the library seemed to be one of the more popular rooms. The silent faces and bright eyes on me made me uneasy. Some looked curiously at me holding my cats, almost as if they wanted to approach me and pet them.
But no one did. I wasn’t sure if it was because they did not want me here, or because I looked like I didn’t want to socialize.
The only time I felt alive was when I went running with Thomas. The speed was exhilarating. We would run for hours without tiring, and I appreciated that he didn’t try to get me to talk, unlike Inola. Thomas would chatter, but it wasn’t to fill the silence. He was trying to distract me as he prattled on about recipes and kitchen shortcuts, and I was grateful to him for it.
But as comforting as Thomas’s presence was, it was Inola’s presence I craved. She was the one who stayed with me as I slept.
I never saw Gabriel, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t there. I became paranoid about his invisible presence, and I would usually leave a room if I thought he was watching me or if I got a whiff of pine needles.
My thirst grew worst. It stayed muted for only a day, and then it blazed and burned and made me want to scream.
When I woke up on the sixth night, one hand automatically went to my throat while the other covered my mouth so I wouldn’t scream. I knew I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I could not concentrate on anything but my thirst.
All I had to do was go to Gabriel’s room, and knock on his door. He would answer. I wouldn’t even have to ask him. All I would have to do is look at him, and he would know. He would expose his neck, and my fangs would come out. . . .
I snapped myself out of the moment of weakness.
I didn’t want to wake Inola, so I got out of bed very slowly. I put on a pair of jeans, a black T-shirt, and a pair of gray running shoes. I wrapped a stake gun around my wrist as a precaution before slipping out of my room.
I passed Christopher and a female vampire named Cassidy in one of the hallways, but I said nothing to them, and they only acknowledged me with a nod. I came to the front door of the mansion, opening it and peering out into the night. I swallowed against the fading fear of the dark.
That was one thing that had surprised me—the night no longer seemed so ominous. It seemed almost . . . welcoming. Safe.
I went out the front door and shot into the forest. I effortlessly scaled a tree, crouched on a branch, and waited.
I refused to think about what I was doing. If I thought about it, I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. I also ignored the fact that it was most likely pointless.
I loved animals so much, but choosing human blood over animals . . .
I blended in
