“He’s always had a bit of a wild streak, and I think him taking over to care for me when my mother passed away forced him to grow up in a lot of ways, but at the same time he had to forgo some of that time when a young guy is supposed to sow their oats and get it all out of their system. Let’s just say when he married Renata, he wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. The fact he’s a workaholic didn’t help much either. Don’t get me wrong, he’s the absolute best brother in the world, and I don’t know what I would do without him.” She took another sip of wine and appeared to be deep in thought. “Who knows, maybe now he would be a great husband too. He’s grown up a lot since his divorce.” She blinked hard like she was fighting tears. “I feel really bad that I just even said that about him. Now you must think he’s some kind of knobhead.”
“A what?” I tilted my head and laughed.
“What I guess I meant to say is he’s the greatest guy I know.” Her smile was genuine.
“You know, just because he may not be husband material doesn’t mean he’s a knobhead.” I laughed even hearing myself saying a word I had no idea the meaning of, although I could presume it was equivalent to dickhead just a more proper or British way of saying it. “I believe we all go into things with the best of intentions. I often think of that line from Of Mice and Men. The best-laid plans…” I sucked in a deep breath and circled my finger around the rim of my wineglass. “We can’t all be the best of everything. Some of us make better friends, better spouses, better parents.”
“That makes a lot of sense,” Kate whispered.
“Yeah.” I sighed. “I was one of those people who had the best-laid plans. Turns out I haven’t fulfilled many of them.”
She creased her eyebrows, waiting for me to elaborate. I said too much, more than I wanted her to know. But as I looked into her eyes, the same hazel green as her brother’s, I saw the empathy and understanding I had been looking for from someone…anyone, my entire life. Even Evan lacked that understanding. As hard as he tried, he just couldn’t get my intense need to want a child so badly, and the depression I’d sink into month after month when that didn’t become a reality. He never quite understood how much of a failure I felt like for that. He tried his best to comfort me and tell me he was okay with never having children, and maybe he was, but I wasn’t. Not being a mother wasn’t part of my plan. Maybe in the end it was my regimented way of thinking, my inability to deviate from the norm or what I had perceived to be the norm. Always searching for that picture-perfect life I had felt deprived of as a child.
“Well, sometimes we’re the last people to take our own advice,” Kate said as she slid her hand across the bar and covered mine with hers. “There’s still plenty of time to achieve your goals.” Her voice had such a confidence to it that she almost made me think she might me right.
CHAPTER 5
IT WAS AMAZING what a good night of sleep could do for you. I felt like a whole new person when I woke up the next morning. We were loaded on the bus by 8:00 a.m. and did a two-hour group tour of Munich. It was so interesting to see some of the historic sites I learned about in history class, passing by the building where the Munich agreement was signed in 1938, and the University of Munich where the White Rose movement was born. Then stopping along the way at Nymphenburg Palace for a photo op. The elegant palace had been the summer residence of the rulers of Bavaria. Set in front of a large frozen pond as a light snow fell made it even more magical. Behind the palace was an elaborate garden I was certain was beyond gorgeous in the spring and summer months when all the flowers were in bloom.
When the tour concluded at Marienplatz Square, some of the group stayed on the bus to venture onto the optional Salzburg tour while others got off to spend time on their own at the Christmas market. DeAndre was beyond excited to see where The Sound of Music had been filmed. I was never into the movie and really had no desire to go. Since I had done enough socializing all morning long, I stayed behind, looking forward to some alone time to mill around at all the handmade crafts and homemade baked goods.
As I stopped at each stall, taking everything in with so many things to look at, it became almost overwhelming. The familiar scent of chestnuts roasting at a nearby stand reminded me of Christmases gone by. As I inhaled deeply, I was stabbed with a pang of hunger. The cup of coffee that had doubled for breakfast as well had worn off some time ago. The snow from earlier had completely tapered off, giving way to a bright blue sky. Unfortunately, that sunshine did little in the way to provide warmth. I zipped my coat up as far as it could go, then adjusted my wool hat, covering my ears a little better. I stood in place, trying to figure out where to grab a bite to eat when I caught a glimpse of Theo at one of the stalls. As much as I craved some alone time, I had to admit, it was nice to see a semi-familiar face in a sea of strangers. I questioned whether I should approach him for about a second, then trudged my way forward. He gave some money to the person behind the stall who in turn handed him
