No, I wasn’t innocent in this. Not by a long shot.
“He used you to get to me, to break me again,” Mel said, and inside, I felt my heart hurt. I didn’t want this girl to think that I could be used against her. Ever.
Though I wasn’t much of a hugger, I threw my arms around her and gave her one, anyway. Her thin body felt like bones in my grip, and even though she was taller than me, I bet she weighed less than me. She had no figure, hardly any chest or ass. She was like a mannequin at the mall; in the vague shape of a person, but not a real one. Almost, I’d hesitate to add, anorexic.
“No one can use me against you,” I told her as I hugged her. “Us girls got to stick together. Hoes before bros.”
Mel chuckled into my shoulder, and I felt myself smiling even though my heart was currently tearing itself apart in my chest. “I’ve never heard that one before.”
I was slow to release her from the hug. “I know, I know. It’s usually bros before hoes, but you know what? I’m reclaiming the word hoe, and any dickbag who wants to use it will have to go through me.”
Mel gave me a tiny, miniscule smile. “You sure you’re okay? With all this?”
Nodding once, I asked, “You sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” she said, and because I was stupid, I believed her.
What was even worse?
I lied to her, because I was so not okay. The very opposite. I was, in that moment, the worst I’d ever been in my life. I could feel myself start to lose it. What little sanity I had, what little part of my brain that held myself back and stopped me from going wild—it was gone.
That night, as I lay awake in my bed, unable to sleep, I stared at the smooth ceiling above me. It was odd, feeling yourself start to slip. I didn’t think I was losing my grip on reality, but there it was: everything I thought was true was flipped upside-down, and I was left to deal with the aftermath. This was my mess. I’d made it, as both knowingly and unknowingly as I was, and I had to clean it up.
Things would never get easy around here.
Chapter Twenty-Four – Levi
I zoned out for most of the following days. It was one Thursday afternoon, during a bio lab that was held in spite of the thunderstorm outside and the flickering power, that I stared down at my workbook, the pages I was supposed to be filling out and completing still utterly empty. I hadn’t even written my name on it yet.
My partner, who wasn’t so new anymore, was busy filling out his. I knew I should at least copy his answers to get partial credit, but at this point…I didn’t fucking care. I didn’t fucking care about a lot of things. It was like I’d started to care, to really, truly care about someone else, and then they were just gone.
How the hell did people cope with something like that? Did people just move on as if it was nothing? If others felt the same all-consuming feelings when it came to someone else, if they felt as strongly about someone as I did for Kelsey, how the hell could they possibly move on? It was like giving someone the world to live in, free of money and all the other strains society placed on you, and then taking that chance away and handing them a moldy, soggy box and saying, here. My bad. This is yours.
Now that I knew what it was like to be consumed by someone else, how was I supposed to go on pretending it didn’t happen? Moving on wasn’t a possibility when I never really had her to start with.
I had no idea why Kelsey drew me in so much, only that she did. Wasn’t that the thing, though? Love—if that’s what this was—was unpredictable and unstable. One of the strongest feelings a human could have. It’s what separated us from the animals of the world. Me? I was no better than an animal at this point, with all of my mistakes. Everything I’d done, if I could take it all back and start fresh, I would.
Everyone in class had rain jackets or umbrellas they reached for once the class period was over. I didn’t; why not get wet? Why not be miserable and sopping wet at the same time? The outside weather went along with my mood, definitely. I’d thought last year was terrible after finding out Mel had tried to kill herself, but this year? It was worse. Worse in a different kind of way.
I took my time in exiting the classroom. By now, I knew better than to toss any looks toward Kelsey. She was always the first out of the room, the first to run away. She didn’t want to see me, and she sure as hell didn’t want to talk to me, not after what she found out. Mel wouldn’t have kept it a secret this long. Mel probably had told her, and the truth had only fueled her hatred of me.
Her hate…I deserved that hate. I deserved her hate and so much more.
I headed down the stairwell, walking slow. I only wore a hoodie, and I knew the fabric wouldn’t keep me dry for long. I
