In Mason’s room, sitting on the bed, I pulled out my phone and called Kellie. She answered and just hearing her voice made me sob, big convulsing sobs that shook my entire body.
“What’s wrong, Lauren?”
I blurted it all out, through ridiculous snot and tears, about Carter, the fight, the memorial, nobody wanting me here.
“What’s the address?” Kellie asked. “I’m coming to get you.”
“But, I’m like five hours away.”
“I’ll be there first thing in the morning.”
I cried even harder, relief easing the tension in my body, gratitude taking its place. At least there was one person in the world who really loved me.
Twenty-Eight
-CARTER-
A skull-splitting headache hit me hard Sunday morning, even though I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol in a year. Anger and sorrow warred inside me as I put on my suit, and stared blank at my prosthetic sticking out of the blue dress pant leg. I’d lost so much the night Megs died.
“Here’s your breakfast, boy,” Mom said, when I came downstairs into the kitchen. She handed me a plate full of bacon, eggs, hash browns, and toast. “Don’t you look handsome.” She slid the ketchup over, giving me a meaningful look and glanced over at Lauren and Riley, who were flipping through a photo album.
I was a little shocked to see Lauren in shorts and a T-shirt, her hair up in a messy bun. My blood froze and I stopped mid-chew—gulping down my last bite of toast. That wasn’t any album they were looking at. It was my wedding album.
“And this was her dress,” Riley was saying, pointing to a picture. “She got it from this vintage shop, had her mom help reinvent it. I mean, she was so cool like that. She loved making old things new again.”
Lauren nodded, bit her lip, and let down her hair. She raked her fingers through and gnawed on her thumb nail.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“We were just going through all the old memories together,” Lauren said in a quiet voice. “Riley wanted to show me who Megs was.” She stared at the image of Megs laughing as her best friend made a blowfish face at her in their dressing room. “She was ethereal.”
“That’s not . . . Riley, I wasn’t going to—”
“It’s okay.” Lauren stood and grabbed her plate. “I’m sure you’d rather go through these together. I was just heading outside. Kellie’s coming in about ten minutes to take me home. I don’t want to hold you back from whatever you wanted to do with your family, Carter. Bye, everyone. Thanks for everything, Mary.”
I swallowed, hating the relief that flooded my system at her words. “I’ll be out in a minute,” I said, eyes glued to the picture of Megs laughing.
What I wouldn’t give to hear that laugh again.
My throat tightened.
“Look at this one,” Riley said, pointing to the next page, the photo of Megs and I holding hands around the corner of the church building, so we could pray together without seeing each other before the ceremony.
That was the most intense moment of my life. Knowing I was about to commit myself to Megan forever. Getting to touch her without seeing her, hearing her voice, but not being able to picture her in her dress completely.
It felt so similar to today, only agony took joy’s place as I imagined her smiling in Heaven, heard her laughter in my memory, reached for her hand in vain.
“That’s enough,” I said.
Riley flipped to the next page. “But, look here.”
I saw my face. The complete awe when Megan finally approached the aisle on her dad’s arm. I remembered every detail.
The way the sunlight poured through the chapel windows and hit her back, turning her into this angelic silhouette heading toward me down that aisle. I remembered the way her eyes danced as she took her place beside me, and the preacher started the ceremony. I remembered the taste of her lips, and the sweet way she shuddered when the final dance was over and it was time for us to leave. The feel of her in my arms, the warm scent of her sunscreen skin on our honeymoon, the feel of her breath on my neck each night.
I remembered all of it, and every bone in my body shook at the reality of us now. Separated. Forever.
“Mom?” Riley said, watching me wide-eyed.
Sweat trickled down my brow, my chest heaved, my fingers trembled. All I wanted was to have her back, but I never would.
“Carter, just breathe, baby,” Mom said, rushing to my side. She touched my arm, and I flinched away.
“I don’t want your sympathy,” I said through gritted teeth. “I need my wife.”
“I know,” Mom said, in that soothing tone she used whenever I was sick as a kid. “But, the good Lord has her now, baby, and she’s too happy there to want to come back.”
God, I hate you for taking her and keeping her. How dare you? How dare you, God?
I stepped out on the porch, stuffing my hands deep inside my pockets. Eventually, the trembling settled and I felt like I could breathe again. Lauren was standing by the Chevy, her bags around her feet, face turned away from me. Her shoulders were shaking.
I knew I should go down there, say something. But all I could think about was the angel-bride I’d had for four beautiful years, gone forever now, and I didn’t want to think about anyone else. I wouldn’t.
I just stood there.
Watched Lauren weeping.
Watched as Kellie’s SUV crunched down the long gravel drive.
If I let Lauren go now, I’d never get her back again. But, Megs’ voice was louder, begging me to save her, and I couldn’t.
I watched as Lauren climbed into the passenger side, hugged Kellie, cried harder.
A small part of me begged to run after her as they pulled out of the drive. I couldn’t. I hated that I’d hurt Lauren so bad, but I hated myself for
