“That’s the question you need to answer before you can move forward.” He leveled me with a no-nonsense look. “Faith has the power to move mountains, but prayer works in conjunction with His will. What if it’s not His will? He may be calling you to yield to a different plan.” He waited a few moments for that to sink in. “Looks like you have some thinking to do.”
Chapter 10
Jazmin
Several days passed, and as the wedding grew closer, I prayed that God would help me through the inner turmoil that was taking place in my heart. I wanted to be with Clay more than anything, but I also knew that was impossible.
Please, Lord, give me peace through this. Help me to trust your plan even though I don’t understand it.
I thought about the sermon I’d heard at church the first week we’d arrived. The pastor had preached from Romans 12:1. I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
As I prayed, I renewed my commitment to the Lord, giving Him my mind, soul, heart, and body. I also gave Him the part of my heart that didn’t like where He had put me in life even though I loved my job and independence. Truly, I was thankful I didn’t have family responsibilities when I was at the height of pursuing my career. But now? I longed for a husband and children and didn’t know what to do with that. Just thinking about it brought tears to my eyes.
“Hey, are you okay?” Sabrina touched my shoulder and looked at me with concern.
We were in our room, and I was ironing the navy-blue dress I was wearing that evening to the rehearsal dinner. I hadn’t shared with her what happened with Clay, not wanting to have an open discussion about it. It was hard enough dealing with this on my own, but if I had to tell the others about my deficiencies… No, I would much rather suck it up until I got back to L.A. At least then I’d have work to keep me busy.
But like it or not, everyone was beginning to figure it out anyway since Clay and I hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in days.
I forced a smile. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.” She gave me a suspicious look. “I’m your cousin, and I’ve known you long enough to know when something is bothering you.” She cleared her throat. “And before you deny it, I know you and Clay must have had a disagreement.”
I’d promised myself I wouldn’t be a bother to Sabrina while she was preparing to get married, so I remained silent and hoped she would move on.
“Look, you don’t want to trouble me because of the wedding. I get it. But it worries me more when you won’t open up.” She crossed her arms and smiled tentatively. “If you want to make things easier on me just talk.”
Wow. It was almost scary how well she knew me, but it wasn’t surprising considering we sometimes finished each other’s sentences. “Fine. Clay and I realized we aren’t as compatible as we thought, so we agreed to part ways. It’s fine. I’m fine. All of it is fine.”
One side of Sabrina’s mouth arched up into a quirky smile. “When you have to use the word ‘fine’ three times to make your point, you are definitely not fine.”
I chuckled softly. “All right, I’m not fine. I’m hurting.” I wiped away a traitorous tear that decided to appear at that moment.
Sabrina walked over and held her arms out for a hug. I put the iron down and grabbed ahold of her, closing my eyes. “Thank you. They say hugging someone for a full thirty seconds is therapeutic. At least, I tell my clients that.”
Sabrina laughed. “Leave it to you to get clinical while you’re in the middle of a hug.”
After a few moments, I drew back. “I feel much better now.”
“Not so fast. What happened?”
I hadn’t wanted to bother her with this, but she wasn’t going to let it go until I did. “Clay wants children, and I can’t have them. The doctor explained that to me a few years ago, but I never brought it up because it’s one of those things that is so personal, it’s best kept to oneself. I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with me.” I sighed and moved to sit on the edge of the bed since we were about to have a conversation about this. “My therapist’s brain knows I’m not deficient. There is nothing wrong with the way God made me.”
“But?”
“But I long for…” My voice broke, and I had to cover my mouth and close my eyes to shut out the fierce emotion welling up inside of me.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.” Sabrina flew over to me and hugged me again.
Tears slipped down my face, and I stopped trying to wipe them all away. “I didn’t want this to happen. I swore I wouldn’t cause any drama while we’re out here.”
“You are not causing drama.” She sat down next to me on the bed and turned to face me. “You are one of the kindest people I know, and if things were switched, you’d be the one comforting me right now. I understand you don’t want to be a bother but you’re not. In fact, I would be upset if you didn’t share how you’re feeling.” She gave me a side hug and rested her head against mine.
“We’ve always had each other,” I said, sniffing. “I’m really going to miss you.”
“You’re welcome anytime you want to visit. You know that, right?”
I nodded. “I do.”
Future visits would mean seeing Clay, and I
