“You never said anything,” I tell him, not entirely believing his words.
He nods slowly. “I didn’t want to worry you. Didn’t want you to think I wasn’t good enough because I was riding the bench, thinking of how to make the team.”
The look in his eyes reveals to me the sincerity of his words. “I would’ve understood, you know. If you had only talked to me.”
“Of course you would have, but I was ashamed. I was also failing most of my classes because I was spending too much time trying to improve my game that I let the studying fall off to the side. I had to make up classes and do extra credit work during the breaks just so that I could get a passing grade.” I didn’t realize he was struggling that much. I knew I was but I thought these things came easy to him. Everything seemed to come easy to Kayden Harrison.
“Sounds like you didn’t need to also worry about keeping our relationship stable,” I tell him, refusing to relent. Still believing I made the right call.
“Our relationship was the only thing that brought me genuine happiness,” he says, his words breaking a little, betraying the tough exterior.
“It didn’t feel like it,” I tell him. “It felt like our relationship was just extra work you had to do. It felt the same for me. It was a burden neither one of us needed to carry,” I tell him.
“Maybe so…” he starts, finally agreeing with me. But I don’t really want him to. Not anymore. Not after realizing everything he had been going through. “But it was the best thing I had.”
“Then why didn’t you fight me on it?” I ask him. Sure, I shouldn’t have broken up with him while hoping he’d beg us to stay together. But maybe, just maybe, things would be different now if he had told me he cared. If he had talked to me at all.
“Because I was going down and I didn’t want to bring you down with me. Because some small part of me would rather you think I was the asshole you believed I was for most of our life than have you believe I was weak. That I was out of my depth. So yeah, maybe I let you walk away without putting up a fight,” he says, finally admitting it.
Even after we broke up, I didn’t think see him as an asshole. Not even a little. I had cried and wished so much I could turn back time and go back to hating him, but I couldn’t. Not after he was the person I loved the most. The person I still love.
“You seem to have landed on your feet,” I tell him.
He nods. “I transferred schools,” he tells me. “I needed a new start. I worked on my grades, worked on myself, and was able to be a starter at the University of Florida.”
“That’s good.” I tell him, feeling genuinely happy for him. So I tell him. “I’m happy for you.” I don’t want my words to sound sarcastic or anything but if he were able to pick himself up, why didn’t he reach out to me? Why not try to smooth things over?
“Are you?” he asks, picking up on my tone.
“I want to be. I mean, I’ve only ever wanted the best for you.” Even if that meant putting baseball over me. Even if that meant breaking my own heart so he could focus on what he really wanted.
He brings his right hand to my cheek. “You were it for me. I’m sorry I didn’t let you know that back then; I wasn’t in a good place.”
“And then you were in a good place…” I let my statement hang in the air.
“And yet I still didn’t reach out?” he finishes for me.
I nod.
“I’ve wanted to. For so long I’ve wanted to,” he starts.
When he doesn’t say anything else, I press. “And what stopped you? Your new girlfriend?” I reply, taking a few steps back.
“My new what?” he asks, seemingly lost. Then his eyes widen in understanding. “Oh, Vicky.”
Vicky. Of course that’d be her name. Not that there’s anything wrong with that name, but I just don’t like the familiarity with which it rolls off his lips.
“Yeah, Vicky.” The girl resting between your legs, I want to yell to him but don’t. I don’t want to sound more jealous than I already do. It’s not my place.
“She’s not my girlfriend.”
“Of course she isn’t,” I tell him, agreeing with him. “Athletes rarely have girlfriends. They have hookups.”
“She’s a friend,” he corrects me.
Oh yeah, a friend. “Call her what you want.”
He laughs. Why is he laughing? “Why are you laughing?” I ask, unable to just keep the question to myself.
“You look cute when you’re jealous.”
I cross my arms. “I’m not jealous of you with some other girl.”
“Well, I can’t say the same thing. I was jealous when I saw Evan introduce you to the group. When I saw you wearing his sweater. I was jealous tonight when I saw you dancing with him. I had to stop myself from doing something stupid,” he says.
I stand there seemingly unbothered by his words. The truth is, I like the fact that he was jealous. “He’s a friend,” I tell him, emphasizing the last word.
“I’m sure that’s not all he wants to be,” he replies. “But I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to be just your friend either.”
10
Kayden Harrison
I watch as she stands there with her arms crossed in front of her. She reminds me so much of the little girl I fell in love with. The fierce woman who took over my thoughts and never left.
She stands there shaking her head at me in disappointment.
Well, she isn’t the only one who’s disappointed.
I am, too.
She left me. I could’ve done more but at the end of the day she was the one who ended it. I could have tried to pick up the pieces, could have
