Brodie shrugged. “I just wonder what it is, and more importantly, if I’ll ever know.”
13
The holiday season was as crazy this year as any other, but having Kade around made it fun for Peyton and for the boys. He was so good with them. The three of them had conversations about the kind of things Peyton knew nothing about—mainly the movies he took them to while she was working.
Every time she thanked him for doing it, or told him she didn’t want him to feel obligated to spend so much time with Jamison and Finn, he told her that he enjoyed it, maybe even more than her boys did. She didn’t believe that, but she appreciated him saying it anyway.
They’d spent Christmas Eve together and then spent Christmas morning with their respective families. By noon, her boys were begging her to call Kade and ask if he wanted to go riding with them. Finally, she gave in, but didn’t call, sent a text. A few minutes later he replied saying he thought she’d never ask.
By mid-January, they’d settled back into a routine. Kade was gone at least three days a week, but the other four, he spent with them. Peyton didn’t ask questions about what he was doing and he didn’t offer any information. She assumed whatever it was had to do with his work with the military.
Since he was away over the weekend, and January was typically slow at Stave, Peyton decided to spend some long overdue time with her parents.
“What’s going on with you and Kade?” her mother asked while they stood in the kitchen and Peyton watched her make brownies for the boys.
“We’re dating.”
“Jamison said he practically lives with you.”
“He did, did he?”
Her mother set the spoon she’d been mixing the batter with on the counter. “Yes, Peyton, he did. Do you think that’s wise?”
“What do you mean?” She didn’t need to ask, she knew exactly what her mother was getting at but she wanted to hear her say it.
“They’re impressionable.”
“Do you think it would make any difference if he stopped staying at the house now?”
Her mother made a sour face. “It’s none of my business. I just think you should’ve thought this relationship through before you got into it.” She went back to her batter.
“You’re right, Mom, it isn’t any of your business.” Peyton walked out of the kitchen and went in search of the boys. She’d leave it up to them. They could stay here the rest of the weekend or come home with her, but she was leaving.
When she got to the highest point of the pass over Highway 46, Peyton pulled off the road and called Kade.
“Hi, is everything okay?”
“Yes. Sorry to bother you.”
“You’re not bothering me. What’s going on?”
“I had a disagreement with my mother. God, just saying it out loud sounds so…juvenile.”
“Hang on one minute.”
Peyton heard the phone rustle.
“Okay. I’m back.”
“You’re in the middle of something. We can talk later.”
“Where are you?”
When she told him, he laughed. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped in the same spot out of sheer frustration with one of my parents.”
“You’re just saying that so I don’t feel quite as stupid.”
“You should know by now I don’t say things to make anyone feel better.”
“I know. Listen, I’ll let you go.”
“Peyton, wait. I wish I could tell you that I could see you tonight, but I can’t. I won’t be able to be back until Sunday.”
“It’s okay. It’s nothing. I’m sorry I called.”
“Peyton—”
Whatever he was about to say, she didn’t want to hear. She already felt ridiculous for calling in the first place.
14
“Everything okay?” Razor asked when Kade came back inside.
He shook his head and looked around. “Where’s Paps?”
“Ran out to get some beer. You wanna talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you?”
Kade rubbed the back of his neck. “I wonder sometimes if I’ve been fair to her.”
“Peyton?”
“It doesn’t matter whether we go private or not. There will be times I’ll have to leave at a moment’s notice, times I don’t know when I’ll be back, times I might not make it back.”
Razor nodded. “You gotta live your life, though, Doc.”
He walked across Razor’s kitchen and looked out at the water off the Oregon coast. “I’m living the life I chose. I made the decision to do what I do. There isn’t room for anything else.”
“Your parents did it.”
“Not really. My mother retired when I was born, and my father hasn’t been a mission of any kind since Maddox was born.”
“You could always do what he did and give up the ops.”
“That’s the thing. I don’t think I can.” He scrubbed his face with his hand. “When is Eighty-eight due to arrive?”
Razor looked at his phone. “Any minute.”
“There are a few things I want to talk over with the three of you when he gets here and Paps gets back.”
“Sounds ominous.”
“It is.”
They stayed up until three in the morning, making plans for the new business they decided to name K19 Security Solutions—for Kade’s official call sign, K19-Bravo. It wasn’t his first choice, but Razor, Paps, and Eighty-eight insisted on it and he was outnumbered.
When they finally called it a night, he had a hard time sleeping. The same things that kept him awake at night all his life, plagued him tonight.
It wasn’t something he’d ever admit but, as a kid, he’d been afraid of the dark. Terribly afraid—specifically of the unknown—the boogey man, the monster in the closet, wind rustling against the windows of the stone house.
He’d creep down the hallway to his parents’ bedroom, ashamed of his fear, but powerless to fight against it. He’d stand outside the open door and watch them sleep until one or both of them realized he was there, and invite him to sleep between them. Kade didn’t remember what age he finally stopped going to their room; maybe five or six.
What he did remember vividly, down to the very first day he experienced it, was when his fear changed. The source
