He stands up. “Don’t bother. I already assumed you didn’t, otherwise you would’ve been excited to tell me and wouldn’t have vanished for nearly twenty-four hours. You know, I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I told you I didn’t want to think about it, but you made me believe you. Once again, Merrick fucking Kingston got into my head and my heart and convinced me to do something I knew I shouldn’t.”
I jump to my feet and approach him. “Ali, don’t. Please let me explain. I was going to tell them. I was ready! But Kit was in a terrible mood, and Evan—”
Ali holds up his hand. “Merrick, stop. I can’t listen to any more excuses. I spent all of last night thinking about what I should do if this situation arose. I stayed up late, warring with myself over what the right decision would be. My heart says one thing and my brain says another.” He takes a deep breath and the heartbreak in his eyes is like a punch to the gut. Once again, I’ve hurt the only person I’ve ever loved. “Merrick, I love you.”
“I love you,” I reply hurriedly.
He shakes his head. “But I can’t do this.”
“Ali, no. I’m going to tell them. I’m trying to get in touch with Evan. He won’t answer me, but—”
“I stayed in the closet longer than I wanted to for you. I waited and waited, thinking you’d be ready soon, but that never happened, so I did it on my own. I found a boyfriend who really cared about me and who I really liked, but as soon as you were back in town, you tell me you’ll tell people. You tell me you want a future with me, so I end it so I can be with you. Because it’s always been you, Merrick.” He swallows down his emotion as my heart cracks in my chest. “And I let myself be in a secret relationship with you. I let myself listen to you tell me about our plans, all the while you had other plans coming to fruition. Plans you didn’t tell me about.”
“Ali,” I plead, wanting him to stop. It hurts too much to hear what I’ve done. I can’t imagine how he feels.
“And after years of trying to put you behind me, you come waltzing back in my life. You gave me hope again. You promised me things again.” He sighs, turning around to walk to the door. When he gets there, he spins back around and faces me. “I love you more than I’ll ever love anybody, but I can’t do this to myself again. I have to hurt us both by walking away just so you can’t hurt me again.”
“Ali,” I beg, rushing for him and grabbing his hand in mine. “Don’t. Don’t do this. Please.”
His eyes brim with unshed tears. “I can’t keep lying either, Merrick. I hope you understand. I want you to do whatever it is you want to do on your own time and for your own reasons, but I have to do this for me.”
I watch as his eyes roam my face, like he’s studying me one last time, then he tugs out of my grip and opens the door and walks out of my life, leaving me an empty shell.
44
Alejandro
Present Day
It’s been a week. The longest and hardest week I’ve had since Merrick left the first time. Jordy and Lili have called and texted, but I’ve wanted nothing to do with anybody. I can’t bring myself to tell Jordy he was right, and I can’t even tell Lili anything. It would only be another lie.
Surprisingly, Merrick hasn’t tried to get in touch either. If I expected him to grovel, beg, apologize a thousand times, I was wrong. He seems to be leaving me alone, which was what I wanted, but it still hurts.
My phone vibrates next to me, and I reach for it, almost hoping I see Merrick’s name across the screen.
Jordy: Clearly something happened. You may not want to talk about it, but please let me know you’re okay.
Me: I’m fine. I’ll call you later.
As a string of messages from Jordy start coming through, I shut off my phone and toss it onto the coffee table. I busy myself by cleaning and rearranging some furniture, doing everything I can to keep from thinking about how things ended between Merrick and me.
I know in my heart that this was the best decision for me to make, but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less.
An hour later, as I’m lying across the couch, someone knocks on my door. After ignoring it for a few minutes, a knock on my window makes me jolt up.
“Fucking Jordy,” I mumble, trying to get a glimpse outside.
A baby starts crying and then I hear Lili’s voice. “For fuck’s sake, Alejandro, if you don’t open the goddamn door and leave me and your baby niece out here in the heat, I will murder you.”
I shake my head, fighting off a smile as I rush to the door and swing it open. I take a step onto the porch and peek over toward the window, finding Lili trying to look through the closed blinds.
“Uh, hello, peeping Tom.”
She scoffs, facing me and marching toward the steps. “Is your phone broken or what? You can’t call anybody back?”
Lili pushes past me and into the house. “It’s off. What did you need?”
She makes another noise in the back of her throat as she unbuckles Mari from her seat. “I don’t need anything but my brother to not disappear and not answer his phone. I had to hear from Jordy that you were okay.”
“I just texted him. Did you come straight over after hearing from him?”
“Yep.” She turns, holding the baby in one arm while trying to unzip the diaper bag.
“What do you need?” I ask, taking the bag from her. “I’ll
