Then he opened another door in front of us and I gasped.
It opened up to this big, open room filled with toys. There was a bed in the center with a red duvet, an ottoman at the foot of it, and furniture arranged around like a normal bedroom. But on the walls, there were all kinds of… of toys handing there on racks, ready to be plucked off as soon as they were needed. My eyes traveled upward, and attached to the ceiling there was some kind of… of apparatus.
“What’s that?” I asked, curiosity curling within me.
“A harness.” He answered simply. “I’ve got a cage too.”
The thought of that — a cage, made something unpleasant happen inside of me. A cage — that was like what happened when… when…
Before I knew it, I was breathing rapidly and falling to the floor.
“Luke!” Adam cried out, catching me.
I was blacking out fast, the anxiety attack creating an avalanche within my mind.
“Dammit!” Adam shouted right before I passed out.
* * *
I woke up sometime later in a bed. For a few moments, I had no idea of the time, day, or whether it was morning or night.
Scrambling out from under the covers, I opened the blackout curtains that had been drawn to obscure the window.
Still daytime.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Not that I cared much if it were night; I only cared if my mother got home and realized I was missing.
If I was out during the day, she didn’t seem to care as much.
Sitting back down on the bed, I thought of how she turned into Scary Mom last night; that frightening face. Briefly, I wondered if that was the real her, and the sweet and loving, if not overprotective mom, was all just an act.
The silence in this room was pressing in on my ears, so I got up and opened the door.
Light flooded my senses as I walked into Adam’s kitchen.
“Adam?” I called out, feeling that wonderful word escape my lips.
There was silence that permeated the area.
I didn’t like that — I didn’t like being totally alone in a stranger’s house.
There was a note resting on the granite countertop, a little torn out page from a notebook. I strode over and read it, my heart racing.
“Luke,
I had to take care of a situation at work, but I should be back by four. Please make yourself at home.”
Then he’d signed his name, but there was a little scribble before the arch of the A like he’d tried to write something and scribbled it out.
A smile curled on my lips. It seemed like the more I got to know Adam, the more that big, tough guy exterior was falling away. It filled me with delight.
I could only wonder what he was like in the bedroom…
Then I jumped because I hadn’t even had the inkling of desire — to do any of that, with anyone since the incident. The most I’d been able to work myself up to was to watch porn from time to time, but even then it sometimes set off a trigger within me.
I was worried that I’d never be able to have sex again. I was worried that I was scarred for life, unable to trust any other man in an intimate space, because of what had happened.
Then dread set in as I thought of the room Adam had downstairs — his playroom. He seemed like he was really intensely into this stuff. I barely had any experience doing this kind of thing, let alone having a whole room devoted to it…
The feeling of inadequacy dawned on me, and as it did, it illuminated all of the ways I was coming up short in my life. Here I was, a college dropout, living back in my small town with my family. They were disappointed in me, I was disappointed in me, and Adam was probably disappointed in me too.
I mean, I’d passed out at the very mention of him having a cage…
Then, something different happened. For the first time in a long time, a feeling of fortitude popped up in my mind through the asphalt of my own self-doubt. I didn’t know if it was because of being in Adam’s house, or being around him and his strong, steady persona, or what. But I suddenly knew that I had to do something that scared me.
I had to find the cage— to see it and make sure it wasn’t just a terrifying monster in my mind.
The note said for me to make myself at home, so I didn’t feel too bad when I began to go through Adam’s stuff.
First, I returned to the bookshelf in the living room. Luckily it was left ajar.
Adam must have had to leave in a hurry.
I took a deep breath and pulled it the rest of the way open. Then I descended the stairs again, my heart beginning to race.
No one is going to get you, no one is going to get you, my rational mind repeated to me over and over as I walked down each step.
Even though I knew that the house was deserted, I couldn’t stop my brain from being on high-alert. It started twisting reality, as usual, and making up all these scenarios that ended up with me in trouble and the world ending. Only this time, I could reason with it. This time, I could will the fearful thoughts away.
When my brain showed me images of myself having another anxiety attack down here and passing out on the floor, I battled it with images of Adam coming home to pick me up gently. When it tried to parry that with Adam being angry at me, I threw it the memory of Adam inviting me to come see his collection with that mischievous twinkle in his eye.
For the first time since my anxiety had gotten bad-bad, I was able to battle it away. And I was able to do
