But what really got me more than a little upset was the fact that what we had between us didn’t seem so special anymore.
We barely exchanged a word the entire ride home. I expected Adam to try to explain himself to me, to appease me, but apparently he didn’t care enough about me to even do that. He was just sitting there, stoically driving.
Once he pulled the truck up to the curb, I grabbed my messenger bag and hurled myself out of the truck.
“Bye,” I snapped, like it was a curse word as I shut the door.
“Luke wait—” he said.
My anger coiling inside of me wanted to make me leave him there. It wanted me to march up my driveway with dignity, taking the upper hand with me.
But my heart made me reach for the door handle again.
“…yes?” I asked, looking at him.
His eyes looked like they were a million miles away right then. And then he looked down with a great sigh and said, “I could tell you a dozen things about what you saw on my phone just now. I could tell you that he doesn’t matter to me. I could tell you that he was someone in my past trying to sneak into my present. I could tell you that we have history, and that it’s over between us. And I don’t care if you believe any of that.”
I stood there, stunned. Was this his idea of an apology?
Then his eyes snapped up to meet mine, and he said, “What I do care if you believe is the truth: You are the only man that matters in my life right now.”
The words landed on me like a sucker punch; the wind was nearly knocked out of me.
But I couldn’t let it show; my pride wouldn’t let it.
“Goodnight Adam,” I said as I shut the door.
As much as I wanted to, I wouldn’t let myself turn around and take one last look at the truck before it drove away.
* * *
“Mom? I’m home!” I called into the dark house.
There was no answer.
A stiffness that had been resting in my shoulders oozed out. I was alone at last.
I’d wanted to be alone to process my feelings for some time. As I flopped down on the couch, I turned on the T.V. And began mindlessly watching reruns of The Twilight Zone. But I wasn’t really looking at the screen. All I could see in my mind’s eye were Adam’s.
How he’d taken me on the beach earlier; how the power flowed so easily between us. He knew what my body wanted somehow, and the connection between us was too good to ignore.
Then later, I eavesdropped when he was lecturing Jake about trying to make it work with his wife. With each word that left his mouth, I grew more and more fond of him.
He was the type of man that was willing to stick it out; he was the type of guy that wanted to make things work.
So… why was he getting nudes from some guy?
Or maybe there were multiple guys?
I frowned. I didn’t like that thought at all.
What had Adam said when I was exiting the truck? Something about that guy being a part of his past; that he didn’t matter to him.
I wanted to believe Adam. The way his eyes fixated on me with that powerful gaze… there was no way someone could lie if they looked at you like that, right? It seemed like that would go against the laws of the universe.
Letting the T.V. Shimmer in the background, I pulled out my phone to play on it a while to try and distract me.
Through this rectangle, I got a front-row seat to the lives of all of my friends, still living it up in their college lives.
I was hit by waves of happiness, then loneliness as I scrolled through picture after picture, watching memories happen without me. It was the price to pay for taking a break from life, right?
That’s what one of my therapists had called my leave of absence. “Taking a break from life.” It seemed appropriate; when I was here in this house, it truly felt like my life was on pause.
Scrolling down a little further, I saw a picture of him.
My heart started to race and my hands began to shake.
I thought I’d unfollowed and blocked him?
But now that I’d seen it, I couldn’t help but study it. He was standing next to some guy that kind of looked like me: Tall and slim with blonde hair.
Everything in my gut knew that guy was in danger.
Just as my breathing began to accelerate, a message appeared on my screen. It was from Adam.
“Are you okay?”
I swiped it away, ignoring it.
Another came in: “Really, are you okay Luke?”
Pausing for a moment, I stared at the message, the black marks burning into my mind.
Was I really okay?
The words bounced around and echoed in my brain, mirroring what the whole world asked of me all day. But no one really, actually cared.
No one except Adam.
Making a split-second decision, I closed Instagram and dialed him.
“Hello?” he asked, worry leaking through his stoic voice.
“Hi,” I said. “I’m… I’m not okay,” I said, letting the words pour out of me.
And then I threw caution to the wind and told him exactly how I’d been feeling during our session on the beach. I told him how it made me feel when I overheard him lecturing his brother about being honest in a relationship and trying to make things work.
Then I bit my lip staring at the ceiling.
And I told him how it made me feel replaceable when I saw those nudes show up on his phone.
The line was silent for a moment. For a few seconds, I thought he was going to hang up. Then he finally said, “Thank
