“Your anxiety is like an engine,” he said. “If you give it more fear, it acts like gasoline and before you know it, it’s out of control. The only way to slow it down is through breathing and thinking of an anchor.”
Breathe in, breathe out.
Adam.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Adam’s smile.
And just like that, the tide of anxiety receded. It was just me in this dark room by myself.
There were two ways to approach a problem, Dr. Brinkman had said. You could think your way out of it or feel your way out of it.
I was used to feeling my way out of things, using that to try and resolve any issues in my life. But this situation called for me to think; to use logic first and put my feelings of fear and hopelessness on the back burner.
First, I took a look around the room.
I was on a single king-sized bed. Not tied to it; only my wrists and ankles were bound. The decorations on the walls indicated I was in a high-end hotel room somewhere.
But why? My brain asked.
I thought of the last thing I remembered — of feeling that swooping sensation in my stomach about having to go on stage, followed by blackness.
It wasn’t anxiety though — that blotted out my vision with white fireworks and then blackness. What had happened to me behind the curtain was a simple cut to black.
No— there was more. A jerking sensation, like someone was pulling me from behind…
I felt a pang of emptiness inside of me. Was I… was I kidnapped?
I’d seen the news. I knew there was a serial killer out there, but there was a part of me that didn’t think it was real. And Adam — he would tell me if there was a killer in the streets he was chasing, right?
…right?
Despair began to take root in me at the lack of trust Adam had for me, but the wallowing would have to wait. Right now, I needed to get out of these restraints.
Luckily whoever tied me up had left my hands on my chest so that I could examine the knot. Since I was a Rope Bunny, this knot was easy enough to recognize… and it had an easy way to twist out of it if you knew how to do it.
Contorting my shoulders into an unnatural shape, I twisted myself until I could pull my wrist in just the right way to undo a loop of the knot.
Then I did another and another, unwinding myself until my hands were free.
Rubbing my wrists where the red marks were, I had the fleeting thought that if I’d never learned how to manage my anxiety, I wouldn’t be able to get out of this.
I leaned forward and undid the bindings around my ankles, too.
Then I got up and tried the door.
Locked.
Fear swelled within me again, dark threads pulling on the memory deep inside of Kirk leaving me in that basement for three days.
I staggered back onto the bed and stared at the door, not sure what to do. Did my kidnapper plan to leave me in here indefinitely? Did they plan to let me starve like Kirk did?
Even he came back to check on me after three days went by.
Panic was whirling to life within me. Then I reached for my phone and my heart lurched when I found it was gone.
There is a unique kind of naked feeling that comes from without having a phone. I felt disconnected. Left behind. Forgotten. I was the woman in the stone well, trapped as Buffalo Bill vanished from sight.
Again, I used the technique Dr. Brinkman taught me.
Adam. Adam was coming to rescue me. He was coming right now; I could feel it.
Minutes dragged by into hours as I battled my anxiety. It seemed to come in waves: I’d calm down and think of parts of our relationship I loved — the banter, the breakfasts, me bossing him around in the bedroom… but the second I began to feel an inkling of doubt, the sneaky monster would lurch out of the shadows and try to throttle me.
Again and again I went through this battle until I felt exhausted.
To distract myself, I began exploring the hotel room. There was no food in the fridge, no drinks in the wine cooler, and nothing in the bathroom — not even a shower curtain.
An uncomfortable feeling began to crawl up my spine. Why would someone do this to me? What did they plan to do to me from here?
Fear swaddled me like a black blanket as I laid down in the same place I’d woken up, the ropes lying on the bed next to me. It was like I was literally in bed with my anxiety monster. I could feel its weight on the mattress next to me, wrapping me in its tight arms…
Then it occurred to me that I just might die here. I might just never see Adam again.
I began to cry, weeping softly into the pillows, thinking of how mean I’d been to him these past few months. How I wanted that closeness from him, and I punished him by yelling at him whenever he opened up.
It was only now that I realized I’d been looking at our relationship through the lens of my own fear, unable to see past it. Everything was a threat. There was everything good and kind and generous and protective about Adam, but I had been looking at him as someone that might be taken away.
That’s what made me lash out. That’s what drove the wedge between us.
And now, I was trapped in this hotel room with my entire life taken away from me. Who knew if I’d ever see Adam again…
There was a clicking noise from outside, and I stood up straight and watched the knob flutter.
The door opened and there stood Fenwick, fully dressed in one of his tailored suits.
“Well well well, looks like you’ve wiggled out of your restraints. What a clever
