“I… I think I’m okay,” he uttered, wiping his eyes.
“Here,” I said, pulling out a clean handkerchief from my pocket and using it to dab his eyes.
“I’m so sorry I took so long, Luke,” I said. Tears were threatening to pour down my face, filling my sinus cavities. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him.”
But I couldn’t let them loose yet. Not with all of my coworkers around.
Luke was silent, letting me cradle him.
We stood like that for a while; just us pressed together against this crazy, violent city. After a time, Claire returned. She touched Luke and me gently on the shoulders.
“You’ve got some time before forensics get here, about ten minutes. I brought you a blanket, some donuts, and coffee. I’m going to give you two some privacy.”
“Thank you, Claire,” I said, gratitude dripping from my words.
She nodded and then closed the door behind her, giving me and Luke space just to be.
I was furious with myself. Those few hours Luke was missing were the worst of my life. As soon as he was gone, I knew it was because of my neglect; my stubbornness of keeping him in the dark. It was because I didn’t trust him to carry the weight of the load.
I didn’t think he could handle it. And because of my neglect, he was taken by surprise.
After a while, Luke’s tears dried out and evolved into hiccups.
“How… how did you find me?” he croaked.
I kissed him on the head and began to explain, going over the last few hours of panic in painful detail. I gave him an overview of everything Claire and I had witnessed — the guy tied to the bed with the Russian skinheads, how it was linked to a murderer, that metal stud I found on the factory floor, the feeling of knowing it was Fenwick when I first saw him.
“Luckily, Claire was able to get a room number from a large, suspiciously-shaped package that day we inspected the trucks. She’d written down a few. Because of your disappearance and my suspicions, we were able to expedite a warrant. Me, Claire, and the rest of our team tore apart unit after unit, leaving no stone unturned. It wasn’t until the second-to-last unit on her list that we found Fenwick’s condo. And even then, it took hours of investigation to find clues that pointed us to this place.”
“I’m so happy you came,” Luke said. “I thought he was going to… never mind.”
“I’m here for you, Luke. Whatever you want to talk about, I’m here.”
He was quiet for a few moments. Aside from a few sniffles, the room was silent.
His stomach growled. “Can I have a donut?”
For some reason, that question released the tears I’d been holding back.
I started bawling like a baby.
Once forensics came through, we made our exit.
We held hands as we left the room and didn’t let go all the way down the elevator. Then we got into a squad car, and I took Luke to the station so he could give his statement.
“Just this one last thing, babe, and then we can go home,” I promised. “I’ll get you anything you want for dinner.”
Luke was leaning his head against the cool window, his eyes staring into space.
When I could sneak peeks at him, I watched the orange bars from the street lamps swim in warped patterns across his face.
“I want an ice cream sundae,” he said, his voice low and gravelly.
“Done,” I said, desperate to get my man anything he desired.
“And a massage,” he said.
“I can do that, too,” I reasoned.
There was a pause, and I scanned his face for the hint of a smile. That’s all I wanted; that small forecast that everything would be okay between us.
“…and I want you to tell me everything.”
“I already told you everything about the case,” I said.
“Not about the case… about how you feel. About what you think. Adam, these past few weeks, I’ve felt like I’ve barely known who you are.”
All of the wind went out of my lungs as I felt shame take hold. I stopped the car on the side of the deserted road and put it in park.
I could only see half of Luke’s face in the light fro the street lamp, one of his blue eyes shining like a jewel.
“Luke… you know I’m prideful, and I want to take a moment to set that all aside. Nothing else matters to me except you. My life would be empty without you.”
Luke was completely quiet in the passenger side, waiting for me to continue.
“I made a mistake.”
I was beginning to choke up. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep talking without crying; without letting all of that pent up fear and loneliness and helplessness bubble to the surface.
If I cried in front of Luke again, he might think less of me. Hell, I probably already shattered my entire Dom persona from crying in front of him once.
“I made a mistake,” I repeated, the hot tears leaking out of the corners of my eyes. “And it almost cost me everything. It almost cost me you.”
I reached out and cupped my large hand on the side of his face, my silver engagement ring gleaming in the light like his eye.
He looked down at it, then raised his hand and placed it on top of mine.
His eyes were shining with tears, too.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, my voice cracking. “I’m so sorry that I kept you in the dark. I thought it meant I was protecting you, but it made us more vulnerable.”
“It felt like you didn’t trust me,” he said, his lip trembling.
He was right. I hadn’t. I hadn’t trusted him to handle his emotions, all because of the times he’d had those outbursts.
“I thought if I told you about this, you’d be living your life in even more anxiety than normal,” I said softly.
“I know, I know,” he said, kissing my hand. “I can see it from your point of view. But I need you
