“I wish you could see you… the way I see you,” he said, his eyes filled with a deep sadness as he looked at me.
I felt hot tears bead in the corners of my eyes as he flashed a weak smile.
“Likewise. You’re my hero. Every single day, I can’t believe how lucky I am— I don’t deserve you—”
“Yes, you do, Luke,” Adam said, pulling me closer to his body. “Don’t let any doubts crawl into that beautiful mind of yours. You’re mine, and I’m yours, and that’s that.”
Suddenly I could feel the tears running down my face, following the contours of my nose as they tried desperately to reach the pillow.
“I wish I could… I just feel like I’m not connecting as much as I could with you,” I revealed, feeling the fear of the revelation twist in my gut.
This fear ate at the back of my mind like a virus ever since we moved to New York. I didn’t know what this uneasiness was all about, but it was an alert that something between us had changed. Nothing was wrong on the surface, but I sensed a fissure deep underground in our foundation.
Adam smiled sadly, and I felt like all of my fears were being realized. He was going to break up with me — he was going to leave me all alone. And then without him, what would I do? I had nothing. I’d be alone in this big, scary city and have to figure out how to make things work by myself.
Just when the fluttering sensation started in my gut, Adam saved me again. “Babe, that’s a normal thing to feel. I’m not telling you everything about my job, but you don’t have to know that stuff— you don’t want to know that. I see people get murdered; I have to investigate crime scenes, I have to question the scum of the earth — people that commit crimes, that steal, that rape.”
I felt my heart clench with fear. Did Adam have to go through stuff like that every day?
“I want to shield you from all of that, and if I’m honest, I want a little safe space away from it as well.”
“But what you do is a huge part of who you are,” I pressed. “I want to know the details of your day.”
Adam was quiet, and I could practically hear the argument forming in his head. Hell, I was preparing mine so it would be ready to go, but then he surprised me with a compromise.
“Look. What I’m hearing is that you want to know more about my day so you can feel closer to me. The issue is, I don’t want to have to talk about my day again. Nor do I want to expose you to the crazy shit I have to deal with.”
I was utterly taken aback by his reasoning and felt my prepared counterargument crumble.
“We both want the same thing. We want to be closer,” Adam stated, his dark eyes gleaming intelligently in the moonlight. “I feel like there’s distance between us too, and I’m highly invested in closing that distance. So, how about I come up with an idea to resolve this, and then you come up with an idea. Then together we’ll choose what sounds like the best option. Sound good?”
My mouth dropped open. I wasn’t used to this kind of thing— at all. I’d been preparing myself for a fight. Without an argument, I felt my ammo drop right out of me.
All I could do was nod.
“Good. Okay, here’s my idea,” Adam said with a smile shifting the shape of his beard. “What if… you come for a ride-along with me once a month, on a day when I’m doing something like traffic patrol?”
“Hmm,” I said, picturing myself sitting next to a sexy-as-fuck Adam in his cop uniform. “I like the sound of that… but I’m already pressed for time with Parsons. I’m worried that the whole time, I’ll be thinking about all of the work I could be doing for my classes.”
He shrugged, and the thick comforter shifted on top of us. “Bring your drawing pad with you.”
“I guess I could do that…” I said. “But I know myself well enough to know for sure that I wouldn’t get any work done. I would be too… distracted by you.”
“Fair enough,” he admitted. “Okay, now you come up with an idea.”
I thought for a long time. This was hard work — this trying to figure out scenarios to solve a problem instead of pointing out the reasons why something wasn’t working. It was almost like I was willing the cogs in my head to turn a different direction.
“What if… you send me selfies of you doing cop stuff once in a while?”
“I could do that for you,” he grumbled. “But, you know I hate selfies.”
“Ugh, I don’t know why. You’re so hot in your uniform… and out of it.”
He did his best to look grumpy, but I knew he was flattered.
“It isn’t so hard… it’s like when I send you pictures of my dresses and designs.”
“I love getting those,” he said.
“Right. So I would love getting pictures of you.”
He brightened, but then his smile faltered. “The thing is, I only look at my personal phone when I’m at the station. When I’m in the field, I can only bring my work phone.
“Hm, that is a problem…” I said.
I thought for a while, trying to come up with something else. “Wait a minute; it’s your turn now.”
He furrowed his brow, then pulled me close to kiss me on the forehead. “Well, correct me if I’m wrong here, but the problem is that you don’t feel close enough with me and my work,” he said.
“Yeah.”
“So how about I go half time?” he suggested.
“Adam, what? No, you love your job!”
“I do, but I love you more. Plus, it’s not like
