“GET OFF ME!”
He jerked awake. Fought the wheel for a moment as the van slewed back and forth. Metal clanked and thunked behind him. Sounds of struggling bodies.
“What the fuck!”
That would be Detective Marco.
“By the gods, what is this!”
Odom the Paladin.
“Mamma mia!”
And Larry.
Roger the ogre’s face popped down over the windshield.
“Oy, whats…oh.”
Roger pulled back up. Hilario wished he could be up on the roof with him. But someone had to drive.
“Move you metal oaf!” the Sapphire Witch said.
Metal clanked and bodies thumped.
He got the van under control. Risked a glance at the rearview.
Oh dear.
Odom had the Sapphire Witch inadvertently pinned to the floor. Her face twisted with volcanic fury. Her legs kicked and thrashed.
“Don’t you two get tired of fucking?” Detective Marco asked.
The Sapphire Witch let out a scream of pure rage. So piercing it felt like it was going to split his head in half.
“Hilario, my-a friend-a,” Larry said, “What-a is-a happening-a?”
Why couldn’t the river man’s magic have frozen Larry’s fake accent permanently?
Larry’s ghostly figure was back to full brightness. Seemed even brighter, if that was possible.
He glanced at the rearview again. Odom seemed to be trying to get up, but the Sapphire Witch’s thrashing wasn’t helping.
He should have thought this through a little more. Maybe he and Roger should have tied her up. Though neither of them wanted to touch her any more than necessary.
He cleared his throat. “Lady Sapphire, Master Odom,” he said, “I apologize for the indignities. The river man felt it best to–”
“I’LL KILL YOU CLOWN!” the Sapphire Witch shouted.
Okay then. He shouldn’t be surprised at death threats. That was just the normal course of business in the unseen world. Threaten death, and then follow through.
What he needed was to avoid the follow through.
“What trickery is this!” Odom shouted, “I shall smite who has done this!”
Where had they put Odom’s sword? Did it make it back into the van?
He squinted at the image in the rearview mirror. Oh, right. Roger had returned it to the scabbard on Odom’s back.
Maybe that had been a bad idea.
He cleared his throat again. His fingers were going to snap off, he had them clenched so tightly on the steering wheel.
“Lady Sapphire, Master Odom,” he said, “I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience. If you could–”
“You shall bathe in the hellfires of the Realm of the Stench for all eternity!” the Sapphire Witch shouted.
Hilario shuddered. The Realm of the Stench. He’d already spent time there. It indeed stunk. Like the Sea Terror and Roger the Ogre had hooked up in a hot, sweaty embrace, and created a stinky love child together.
A thought that made his rumbling stomach whimper and go quiet.
“My apologies again my lady,” he said.
“Where is my sword!” Odom shouted, “I shall run thee through like…like…”
“A kabob?” Hilario offered.
Hmmm, kabobs. There was a place in the city that did really good chicken kabobs in some sort of spicy tomato chipotle sauce. Though he always got heartburn later. But that’s what antacid tablets were for, right?
“Kabob! Yes!” Odom shouted, “I shall run that villain through and roast his flesh over the fires of Mount Hades!”
Mount Hades? Was that even a place?
Though, that should have been the least of his concerns.
“Someone else will have to eat him, though,” Odom said, “I do not consume flesh myself.”
“Get off you moron!” the Sapphire Witch said with so much venom that Odom should have shriveled up and blown away into dust right then.
“I could go for some barbecue,” Detective Marco said, “But I ain’t fucking eating anything that isn’t beef, pork or chicken. Preferably in that order.”
Aaaaand Hilario’s stomach was rumbling again. All this food talk made it protest the untenable circumstances that denied it regular sustenance. After all, that piece of cake they’d eaten had been an eternity ago, hadn’t it?
Hilario growled and twisted his hands on the steering wheel.
“All right!” he said, “All of you be quiet! Don’t make me stop this van! Because I will!”
There was a blissful moment of shocked silence.
Then the Sapphire Witch ripped out another rage filled scream. And Odom went on about smiting and stabbing and dismembering and coating everything with tangy barbecue sauce.
Larry clapped his hands to his head and let out a ghostly wail. Detective Marco let loose with a string of profanity that didn’t seem to be connected to anything in particular. Maybe he was just swearing because he didn’t want to be left out.
There was a loud thump and a wooden clunk from the back. Hilario looked up at the rearview in time to see the blood wood box tumble from the makeup cabinet. Somehow the Sapphire Witch or Odom had kicked it loose.
The box fell on its side, the lid flipped off.
Queezleyan sprang out.
“Momma Sapphire!” the little six-tailed rat demon shouted.
The beast sprang onto Odom’s back. Tried to pull the sword from the giant’s scabbard.
“By the gods! My sword!” Odom shouted.
The paladin reached up a mightily muscled arm and flicked Queezleyan away.
Unfortunately right into the back of Hilario’s seat.
The six-tailed rat demon dug its razor sharp claws into Hilario’s well padded shoulders.
He cried out at the sudden pain. Took his hands off the wheel to undig the nasty claws from his flesh.
Queezleyan bit his finger instead.
Hilario howled.
His foot jerked out. Slammed the gas pedal to the floor.
The van surged forward. Slewed toward the side of the tunnel.
Hilario tried to lean forward. Rat demon claws dug deeper into his shoulders. His finger still clenched in the heckity hecking beast’s mouth.
Behind him the din continued. Shouting voices blended into white noise.
The van flew off the narrow lane. The wheels rolled up the tunnel’s curving side.
The engine roared, Hilario’s foot still
