Sinzerklaazz wore old fashioned metal armor. The color of fresh, bright red blood and trimmed with silver. All of it polished to a brilliant shine. Each segmented piece of armor was unblemished. Not a single dent or scuff marred its mirror shine.
It was unlikely Sinzerklaazz was riding off into battle with it. Which meant the old coot was vain and wore the armor to impress the poor dummy dumbs who ended up before him.
And old he was. His mighty face was lined and wrinkled. His mane of hair and his short, chisel shaped beard were snow white.
But his blue eyes were sharp and lively.
Old he was. Senile, probably not so much.
The being’s body was trim and well proportioned. Though he could have all kinds of trusses and corsets under his shiny armor.
No that Hilario had any intention of questioning the great being about it.
Especially since the fingers of Sinzerklaazz’s armored right hand were wrapped around the shaft of an enormous double headed battle ax. Each side of the blade was a big as Hilario’s van.
And would make short work of it if Sinzerklaazz felt he wasn’t getting the groveling respect he deserved.
Sinzerklaazz’s left hand was empty. It rested on the arm of the great wooden throne. Just hanging out, waiting for some pointing and maybe some slapping, depending on how things went.
The massive being’s feet were armored too. But the armored boots were black as deepest night. Still shiny though.
Hilario bit his lip as an image popped into his mind of Sinzerklaazz grabbing a fur person or two and using the creatures to polish his metal boots.
Surely he wouldn’t?
Ha, ha.
Of course he would. It was his realm. He was going to do whatever the heckity heck he wanted to.
“That ain’t fuckin’ Santa Claus,” Marco said.
“Be quiet, fool,” the Sapphire Witch said.
“Bite me,” Marco replied.
“Show Lady Sapphire respect, foolish man,” Odom said.
“Yeah, or I’ll chomp your nuts,” Queezleyan said.
Larry continued his seemingly endless wail.
The van rocked. Roger the Ogre flashed by the windshield and assumed a prone position, his head bowed to the floor.
Probably not a bad idea.
Hilario opened the door and eased his bulk out. His knees protested the application of his hundreds of pounds to them. He told them to shut up. There was no way he was going to try to use any of his reserve of light magic here. He’d probably crisped in a heartbeat.
He closed the door. Which somewhat muffled the bickering inside the van. Along with Larry’s wail. He went around to the front of the van. Next to Roger the Ogre. Briefly considered assuming the head on floor position with him. But it would have been too much effort to get back up again and he was tired.
It had been a long, long, long night.
Instead, he put his palms together and briefly bowed his head to the great and shiny Sinzerklaazz.
Then he raised his eyes to the mighty being.
And waited.
There was no getting around the audience. And there was no point in putting it off.
Interestingly, no one else from the van joined him.
A slow smile spread over Sinzerklaazz’s lips. The sharp blue eyes twinkled.
“Are you brave, Hilario the Clown?” he asked. The great being’s voice boomed and reverberated in the huge space.
“No, Sinzerklaazz,” Hilario said, “I am quaking with terror in your presence.”
“Yet here you are,” Sinzerklaazz said, “And your companions are not.
“Oy, I’s here’s,” Roger the ogre said. Who then clapped a scaly hand over his mouth and pressed his forehead harder against the stone floor.
Hilario shrugged. “They’re having a discussion. Or something.”
Sinzerklaazz raised a snow white eyebrow. “Do you know why you have been summoned?”
“Not exactly,” Hilario said.
“Any guesses?” Sinzerklaazz asked.
Hilario suppressed a sigh. Great. Sinzerklaazz was the game playing type. Wouldn’t just come out and say why they were there. What he wanted from them. How soon he was going to kill them, and in what horribly painful manner it would be.
Why were all these realm masters so…obtuse? What was wrong with a little clarity? With some straightforward communication? How about: Hey, clown, I’m expecting you to do this, that, and the next thing. I want it done by this time and if you don’t, I’m going to cut off your head with a rusty scissors let my minions play football with it.
What was wrong with that? Other than the football with his severed head part.
“Well…” Hilario said, “I’m guessing maybe something to do with the lords of the dark places and their plan to break through into the normal world?”
Sinzerklaazz nodded. “And…” he said.
Of course there was an and. There was always an and.
“Uh…and…I’m supposed to stop them? Somehow?”
Sinzerklaazz nodded. Which make Hilario’s insides clench. Great.
“You are our hero, Hilario the Clown,” Sinzerklaazz said, “Only you can save the human city.”
Sweat popped out all over Hilario’s body. Oh poopity pooperson.
“Okay. Would you, perhaps, tell me how I could do that?” Hilario asked, “Because at the moment, I’m rather at a loss on how I’m supposed to save an entire city and stop a bunch of dark lords intent on destruction.”
Sinzerklaazz smiled. Which sent a fresh jolt of terror through Hilario.
“I didn’t say you had to stop the silly dark lords, did I?” Sinzerklaazz said.
“Uh…”
“You just have to save the city,” Sinzerklaazz said, “And only you can do it.”
“Me? But I’m just a clown.”
Sinzerklaazz nodded. “You, Hilario. I fear we let things go too far this time. But it was the only way we could root them all out. Time is running short, though. I have–”
An explosion rocked the keep. The room shook violently. Enough to throw
