Hilario stomped the accelerator and…
Wondered where the heck he was supposed to go now.
50
Where was Rachel?
Hilario still had a vivid image of her in his mind. Surrounded by green fire. One hand holding a sword that only minutes before had been his crowbar.
Disappearing into the black maw of the Eye of Malachi.
He had followed her in, his van rattling and chugging through the arched entrance. The stench of Sea Terror filling the van.
Where was she?
He and Larry and Marco–along with the Sapphire Witch imposter Queezleyan–had ended up in the Gem Realm. Only to run into the real Sapphire Witch and her golem army.
They ended up in a strange audience with the sexy and beautiful Alexandrite Witch. Whose stunning clown attire made his blubber encased heart go pitter patter.
And the Alexandrite Witch had sent them on their way.
In search of Rachel.
Telling him that she was key to saving the city.
But, sorry, the Alexandrite Witch couldn’t tell him where she was, or how she might help him save his normal world city from being overrun and devoured by the lords of the dark places.
So on their way they went. Only to run into the Sapphire Witch’s boyfriend, Odom the Paladin.
Who was supposed to help them?
Somehow they all ended up in the Ice Realm. And lucky him, he got an audience with the great and shiny Sinzerklaazz.
Right before an army of Orkes blasted their way into the master’s keep.
And Sinzerklaazz temporarily fought them off, threw Hilario a bag (probably magical) and told him to go find Rachel.
She was the key.
Which was fine and all, but how the heckity heck was he supposed to find her?
Really, he needed to get the heckity heck out of Sinzerklaazz’s keep before the Orkes–armed with machine gun and rocket launchers, no less–turned their literal sights on the van.
“To the gate!” Sinzerklaazz shouted.
The giant being–his red and silver armor now pitted and dented–pointed back toward the way they came in. Hilario found himself dubious about that direction. Wouldn’t there be just as many orkes there? Maybe more.
Unlike Sinzerklaazz, he couldn’t project force shields out of his hand. Or any other part of his body.
Though he could mess with their bloodthirsty minds.
“The Seltives will clear your path!” Sinzerklaazz.
Seltives? What the heckity heck were those? And if they were so helpful, why weren’t they already there helping?
Sinzerklaazz staggered back. The beam of power emanating from his hand flickered. More explosions thudded against the force field he generated. And would soon stop generating.
There wasn’t any choice. Hilario stomped the gas pedal with his big, floppy clown shoe and spun the steering wheel.
The van…didn’t spin a 180 and burn rubber for the gate. The engine rattled and coughed and it lurched into motion. Doing a stately turn, that almost turned into an embarrassing flop onto its side.
Fortunately Odom was sitting on the opposite side and provided a nice counterweight.
“What is this!” Odom shouted, “Why are we leaving?”
Really? Those two really needed to stop getting so stuck on each other and pay attention to what was going on.
Or maybe not. Both of them had helped too much for his taste.
The van rumbled toward the huge wooden double doors. Explosions thudded behind the van. A quick glance at the mirrors showed Sinzerklaazz falling back, his snow white beard smoking.
Not good.
Even worse, the doors ahead of them weren’t opening.
“Odom!” Hilario shouted, “Those doors in front of us just called you a sissy runt boy! Are you going to let them get away with that?”
“They dare!” Odom shouted.
In an instant he was out the side door, running toward the giant doors.
He was really pretty fast. Faster than the van.
Odom pulled back his mighty fist and punched the closest door. Chunks of it exploded in toothpick sized splinters.
Another heroic punch blasted a giant hole in the other door.
Made an opening big enough for a 1967 Ford Econoline van.
Hilario leaned his head out the window.
“That showed them!” he shouted, “Get in!”
Odom turned, a confused look on his noble face. Hilario slowed the van just enough for the Sapphire Witch to lean out and grab him. They tumbled back into the van. Nearly tipping it over again.
Hilario fought the wheel. Stomped the gas again. The engine rattle and chugged. The van surged through the shattered door and into a cloud of smoke.
Hopefully Sinzerklaazz had orke insurance. Or at least general invasion and battle insurance.
The van passed through the smoke. Hilario let out a squeak of terror.
What the holy good gobbly heck was this?
51
The van bumped over something.
Something Hilario didn’t want to think about.
Larry the ghost yelped and pointed. At least he’d stopped his wailing.
Odom and the Sapphire Witch were arguing about something again. So, same as usual for them. Marco and Roger the ogre–who was now inside the van instead of on top of it–crowded close to the front seats. The combination of Marco’s sweat and musky cologne scent and Roger the ogre’s rotten cabbage stench turned Hilario’s stomach.
Or maybe it was the pitched battle in front of him.
Ogres and Orkes he was used to. They were stock players in pretty much every battle ever in the unseen world. Whenever some lord or another wanted to invade some other lord’s realm, he (or she) would go conscript some ogres, or hire an orke army. Orke armies weren’t very expensive, since they were literally bred for battle and as prolific at reproduction as bunny rabbits. But, most realm lords were cheapskates. Ogres, standoffish and only semi-violent, were easy to conscript for free.
The amount of Orkes Hilario saw outside Sinzerklaazz’s now de-cloaked keep made
