“That’s just great,” I sighed when he frowned. “I’m sorry, I’m being grouchy. Sore head and all.”
Doctor Abara’s lips twitched. “Take care of yourself. The next time I see you I want to be discharging you. I don’t like getting emergency pages that one of my patients who was in the ICU just a few days ago has collapsed.”
His scolding was gentle, but very effective.
“I understand, sir. Thank you for coming by and taking care of me.”
He gave me a nod and a smile, then disappeared from view. I heard him talking in low tones with Elliot and my parents. I didn’t ask what they were talking about because, for once, I didn’t want to know. What I wanted was for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I closed my eyes, wishing I could forget the conversation that had just taken place, but I couldn’t.
“Is there any point in me pretending to be asleep in the hopes that you’ll all leave me to die in this bed of shame and humiliation?”
Chuckles filled the void.
“Not a chance, sasanach.”
I refused to smile. I was mad at him.
“You, get out,” I grumbled. “I’m not talking to you, big mouth.”
I opened my eyes and Elliot’s face grinned down at me. “My bad. I got scared and just told the doctor everything. I thought maybe all that kissing messed with your head.”
“Your kisses aren’t that amazing, paddy.”
He laughed, leaned down and kissed my cheek.
“Ye scared me, green eyes,” he whispered in my ear. “Me heart just about stopped when I couldn’t wake ye up. Ye screamed so loud.”
I frowned. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”
He straightened up and used the remote to raise the top half of my bed when I asked him to. My parents were next to me then, and I felt horrible when I saw tears on my mum’s face.
“Mummy,” I said into her hair as she hugged me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m okay.”
She held me for a very long time, and Dad held my hand, squeezing it. I knew I hadn’t chosen what was happening to me, but I still felt horrible that I was putting them through all this worry.
“I’ll do what the doctor says,” I assured my three keepers when they each took a seat. “I promise.”
“We know you will,” Dad said sternly. “Because we’ll make sure of it.”
I wondered how they intended to do that.
“Elliot told me about how we broke up.”
“Don’t think about it,” Elliot chided. “That conversation is what made ye collapse. I should have never opened me bleedin’ mouth.”
I looked at him. “It wasn’t the conversation; I was trying to think of why I did what I did when I strongly disagree with how things turned out. I was just . . . I was just pushing my brain a little too hard, I guess.”
“Ye know why we broke up,” Elliot grunted. “We don’t need to talk about it any more. Ye can’t change what happened even if ye could remember it, which ye can’t.”
It sounded so simple when he put it like that, but it was far from simple and far from being resolved. We had a lot to work through and, deep down, he knew it.
“I need to know these things, Elliot,” I countered. “I won’t hurt myself again, I’ll just listen.”
“Noah.”
“I feel like I’m a book that’s filled with blank pages . . . I need words to make me complete.”
“No.”
For a moment, I was rendered silent.
“Are you afraid that every bit of information I learn will cause me to collapse?”
“Yes.”
“So you’re gonna withhold things from me, things that I need to know?”
“Yes,” he stated, more firmly this time. “Don’t test me on this. Ye were overwhelmed and it hurt ye. I won’t be tellin’ ye a thing until you’re stronger.”
“Elliot, honesty means a lot to me. I can’t even trust my own memory because my mind is stuck in the past. This is important to me.”
“Look at me.” He moved closer. “I hurt you. I know I did, and I’ll always be sorry, Noah. I’m not here for the sole purpose of gettin’ you back. If ye tell me right now that ye want Anderson over me but still need me as your friend, I’ll be here as your friend. I’m here for you. I would never go out of me way to hurt and confuse you; I’ve learned my lesson. Can’t ye trust me, love?”
“I want to, I do, but everything is different. I need the truth about everything.” I looked at my parents. “Tell him.”
“We agree with him,” Dad replied, shocking me.
“But Dad—”
“I said no, Noah.”
I snapped my gaze to Elliot and was tempted to shove him.
“Who made you the boss of me?”
“You did,” he answered. “When ye told me you still love me.”
I went silent as I remembered the words I’d spoken before I kissed him, just hours ago.
“Just because I love you doesn’t mean you get to dictate everything I do.”
“I’m not tryin’ to dictate anythin’, Noah. I swear to God, I’m not tryin’ to upset you, but I’m terrified that learnin’ something too soon could kill you. So be mad at me if you want, but until the doctor says you’re healthy, we’re keepin’ our mouths shut.”
I was furious with him and with myself, because even through my anger I could see his fucking point.
“The bloody audacity!” I spluttered, feeling powerless and unheard. “Dad! Are you listening to this?”
“Yup.” He nodded, completely unbothered that I was being bossed around like a kid. “You’ll listen to Elliot more than you will us.”
My jaw dropped. “That’s not true, Dad.”
I looked between the three faces I had always loved and admired, and I felt like they were caging me in with their decisions. They barely took my feelings into consideration about what was best for me, and
