And I’m alone.
Chapter Nineteen
Lena
I swear he can feel me shaking as we head back to the motorhome. Alison already took off and will be waiting, while I still try to figure out how to have this conversation with Mack. Maybe I can convince her to take Oliver for a short walk so we can be alone? All I know is my time is running out, and it needs to happen sooner, rather than later.
By the time we reach our site, I’m a nervous wreck. I stop and turn to face him. “Can I talk to you?”
His dark eyes change right before me. They transform from elated and vibrant to worried in a matter of seconds. “Sure. Everything okay?”
I nod. “Maybe in the motorhome?”
He holds my hand as we slip inside. Alison waves the moment we walk through the door and motions for Oliver. “I can take him and get his diaper changed,” she offers with a smile. But it’s like she senses the sudden tension that walked in with us. “Uhh, I was just going to head back outside. How about I take Oliver with me?”
“Thanks, Alison,” Mack replies, but his eyes are locked on mine. Once I hand the baby to the new nanny, he adds, “Stay close to our site. The press is still jonesing to get photos of Oliver, and I’d rather limit them, okay?”
“Sure thing,” she agrees before leaving us alone.
The second the door closes, he pulls me into his arms. I go willingly, the tears already starting to fall. “What’s the matter?”
I lean back and our eyes meet. He stops, as if he suddenly realizes what this is. Mack looks toward his bedroom and sees my bags already there, packed and ready to go. When he glances back my way, there’s so much pain and sorrow in his eyes, it’s like someone actually reached into my soul and crushed it. “I know I said I was leaving tomorrow night after we got back,” I start.
“But…”
“I can’t do it, Mack. I’m leaving now.”
He sucks in a hard breath as if he was punched. “Now?” His eyes go wide and slightly panicked.
I nod my head. “Now. I knew if I went back to your house with you and Oliver, it would be so much harder to leave, and I just can’t do it. I need to go now.” He blurs behind my tears.
He steps forward, his shoulders sagging with defeat. His strong arms wrap around me and pull me close. Mack doesn’t seem to care I’m soaking his shirt with my tears. He squeezes so tight, it’s almost hard to breathe, which is fine. My chest hurts so damn bad right now anyway, not breathing might actually be a blessing.
When he pulls back, there are tears in his eyes. He clears his throat and says, “I’m not going to ask you to stay, Lean. Fuck, it’s not because I don’t want to. I want to more than anything, but I won’t do that to you. You’re making a choice based on what’s right for you, and I respect that. You’ve been nothing but honest with me from the beginning. This thing had an expiration date.” He slides his warm hands into my hair, caressing my face as if memorizing the contours and feel of my skin.
He closes his eyes and presses his lips to my forehead. “All I’ve ever wanted for you is to live the life you want, sweetheart. I know you can’t stay, and as bad as it hurts me to say, I’m proud of you for sticking to your guns, for doing what’s right for you. Make your own happy, Lena. Just know that if you ever change your mind, I’m here. We’re here, me and Oliver.”
And before I can reply, he kisses me. Not a kiss of joy or excitement, but one of sorrow and grief. A goodbye. For the love we have and the life that will never come of it.
I do love Mack, probably more than I did the day he walked away three years ago. He’s embedded in my soul and imprinted in everything I do. I knew falling into bed with him was a mistake, but only because it would make it so much harder to walk away in the end. And it is. Excruciatingly so.
But I will never regret him.
Us.
I will never forget our time together as long as I live.
When he slows the kiss, he keeps his lips pressed to mine, as if drawing out our connection for just a few more seconds. Then, suddenly, it’s severed, and I’m wrapped in a cold wretchedness that I’ll surely feel for the rest of my days.
“What time is your plane?” he asks, wiping away a few stray tears.
“Nine o’clock,” I answer, my shaking arms wrapped around his waist.
He glances at the clock and sighs. “I suppose you’re going to need to head out soon. Traffic will be a nightmare.”
I nod. He doesn’t know it, but I planned it like this. Last weekend when I changed my flight, I purposefully booked it for a time where I’d have little wiggle room. The last thing I wanted or needed was to drag out our goodbye any longer than necessary. “I have a car waiting.”
Mack gives me a sad smile. “Okay.” He lets go of me and heads over to my bags. He takes my large suitcase in one hand, tosses my carry-on over his shoulder, and reaches for my hand. My grip is tight as we make our way to the door, down the steps, and outside. The car I called is supposed to be waiting outside the gate, but before we head that way, I find someone else I need to say goodbye to.
Oliver.
As we approach Alison, she doesn’t say anything about the fact I’m crying. She just watches me, with worry-filled eyes dripping with pity. I hate it. I don’t want her pity, not today, not ever. I
