Over lunch with Alice at Beverly Glen Deli, we talked about our plan for a global LGBTQ charity. I had to hand it to my sister—she’d taken half a sentence of an idea and turned it into something real seemingly in a couple of weeks.
“So what’s up with you, Elin? I know you’re not playing much this month, but straight into the comfort food?”
I’d ordered a grilled cheese that came with scrambled egg inside it, something of a diner special. It also tended to put unsuspecting diners into a food coma, but I could handle it. I’d have to put an extra half hour on my workout that afternoon, but it would be worth it.
“Toni’s being distant.”
“Isn’t she literally a great distance away in…not here?”
I nodded. “It’s just awkward, that’s all. Once we’re in Europe again, when the flights are two hours instead of half a day, it’ll be easier to hang out.”
“Did you guys have a fight, or did you call it off for the different countries and now you’re regretting it? You shouldn’t be so hung up on monogamy; you just met the girl. By your standards.”
“No, I wasn’t… We haven’t even talked about that. She caught me off guard, though, and I blurted out something about babies and she started stressing about how we’re at different career stages and…ugh.”
Alice let her head thud against the table. “What are we going to do with you?” She sat up again to point at me. “You have truly achieved peak lesbian this time. Are you sure U-Haul aren’t one of your sponsors?”
“It was just a conversation! I wasn’t asking her to knock me up!”
Tilting her head, Alice tutted at me. “You have got to learn to be cool. Anyway, text her about it and say you were joking. Break the ice in case she thinks next time she sees you will be with a turkey baster.”
“Any more lesbian-pregnancy material to come? Or is your stand-up routine done for today?”
Alice reached across and patted me on the head. “All done. So when do you play next?”
“Madrid. Mamma didn’t enter me for Stuttgart, and it’s too late now. So I’m going to head back to Stockholm on Monday, spend some time with Dad. I haven’t really seen him since Wimbledon in July, and you know how bad he is on the phone.”
“Oh, yeah. He was over for my show, but then it was something in New York. If he can get off the boat long enough you might even see him.”
“Come with me!” I said. “We’ve never been back all as a family, and with the house on the market, this might genuinely be the last time. Actually, when is the last time you went back?”
“Are you paying for the food or am I? I should get back to work.”
“No you don’t,” I replied. “You know, most of the time I just swing by between tournaments, but it’s pretty weird you never come for Christmas, or even just when you know we’ll all be there after Wimbledon. What is that about, huh?”
“Okay, so you’re paying. Read that plan, and if you like it, get your attorney on board. We’ll have to appoint a foundation manager first to get everything up and running. Bye, Elin.”
I had officially had enough of people making sharp exits on me. Throwing down some bills on the table, I made sure to leave a generous tip before jogging out after my sister. Her heels were no match for my legs over short distances.
“Hey!”
“Back off, Elin. I told you, work.”
Alice had parked her jeep two spaces down from my car, so I wasn’t really going anywhere.
“Okay, I’m going to tell you something I didn’t say in there,” I said. “The powers that be have told me to withdraw my accusation, apologise and deny there was ever a problem. If I don’t? Fines, for sure. Maybe even banned for the French.”
“Well, who really wants to go to Paris in July?” Alice asked, still not facing me.
“May,” I corrected. “I told you my secret. So now you tell me what you weren’t saying back there.”
Alice fiddled with her keys, sighing before she turned around and made her admission.
“There’s a reason I insist on English, El. Same reason I don’t want to go back to Sweden if I can avoid it. Back there I have this little shadow following me around, the hint of everyone else’s memories of someone I never really was.”
“Alice…”
“No, it’s okay. Here I’ve only ever been Alice. Everyone has only known me as I am, as I should be. It wasn’t so bad going back at first, but then that nasty tabloid ran their story on me and everything I thought I had left behind was thrown in my face.”
I reached out to her, pulling her into a hug that I hoped would say more than my words. “We all know who you are, Alice. Who you were always meant to be. And if anyone, anyone ever said anything—”
“That’s the thing. If it happens, you get to have the fight. You’re ready for the fight over it. I like my life here, where I don’t have to be on guard, where I don’t have to be insulted or deadnamed or have anything bad happen to me, just so someone can step in and prove what a great ally they are.”
I understood in that moment what I had been asking Alice to give up just for the sake of a holiday. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I hope no one ever says anything that needs me to smack them in the mouth, because I don’t want you to have to hear it. Just know if they ever did, I would have your back. Every time.”
“You’re not such a bad sister, sometimes,” Alice admitted, pulling away from me. “But maybe this is what happened with Toni, a little bit. You said something harmless to you, but you didn’t realise what it
