“Quick question. Did you tell him to stop? No offense but he’ll probably listen to you before he listens to me. ”
“I’m not talking to him.”
“Well he’s been out of town for weeks. I haven’t seen him. He’s hiding out somewhere. He’s kind of vanished.”
“Okay well. When you hear from him, I would, I don’t know.”
“Katrina I’m sure if you told him he would stop. I’m sure no matter where he is he’ll pick up your call.”
What made him so sure? “Why would I call him? We aren’t together. That’s how breakups work. You stop talking to each other.”
“Who told you that? I’m sure whatever he did he’s sorry. It’s not like he has me sending gifts to some other woman. I promise there aren’t any other women. You’re it.”
“I don’t care. It seems you can’t help me.”
“Even if I could I don’t think I want to. You guys have matching tattoos. I love you together. I don’t want to see the end of Jaggerina.”
I couldn’t believe this bullshit. Everyone was loyal to Jagger.
“I’m hanging up on you now.” That’s exactly what I did.
I took a nap. I woke up when I heard the front door. I looked at the time. It was Aaron. In seconds he barged into my bedroom.
“Ma, it’s ten thousand boxes on the porch.
“It’s been two weeks. Would you please talk to this dude? I’m tired of taking this stuff back to the post office.”
“Fine, don’t do it. I will.”
“Ma, unblock him. He has enough money to send packages to the house for the rest of your life. You being real childish.”
“Since you’re so cool with him you tell him to stop!”
“This is grown folks business. Plus you told me to block him.”
“I better not find out you’ve been talking to him.”
“His number blocked on my phone.”
“Good.”
“I swear ya’ll going have to get back together or something cause this is getting dumb.”
“We’re not getting back together.”
“Why not?”
“None of your business.”
“Fine, he missed up. Looks like he wants you back. He’s only twenty-one years old. He’s probably going to mess up a few times. You can’t give him another chance.”
“No, I don’t care. He can mess up somewhere else.”
“Ma, for real what he do?”
“I’m tired of you asking me.”
“Telling me would solve that problem.”
“He did drugs.”
“Ma, marijuana is legal all over the place.”
“No, no, not weed, heroin. He did heroin.”
“Damn, that’s bad. He was partying like a real rock star.”
“It’s not a joke.”
“It’s not but he’s a musician so I can’t say I’m in state of shock.”
“Get out my face. Bring that stuff inside the house.”
Aaron marched out of my room.
The next week more boxes came. I didn’t open them. I got out of bed and brought them inside. I went into the basement to wash clothes and I saw Aaron hadn’t retuned the previous weeks boxes. He tried to hide them in the basement. I wasn’t happy about it but didn’t have the energy to send him a text message going off.
I didn’t want to think about Jagger every day. It was like he was purposely fucking with me. What did he want? I still couldn’t believe how easy it was for him to just erase me. He was so cruel. I was getting mad again. Mad because almost everything in life reminded me of him.
I was in bed when Aaron got home from school. He came into my room like always.
“Did you shower today?” This boy’s mouth.
“How was school?”
“Good.” He pulled out his cell phone. “I got tagged in this video on IG.”
“What video?” I looked at him from the TV screen.
“A video of Jagger singing and acoustic version of Marvin’s Gaye’s Come Get To This. It’s dedicated to you.”
“What?”
“He’s singing to you in this video.”
“That’s stupid. Why do you think that?”
‘Ma, seriously? Who doesn’t check their exes social media to see if they are sending subliminal messages?”
“Ah I don’t.”
“Everybody else does. Look.” Aaron shoved the cell phone in my face. Jagger was sitting in a chair with one of his guitars. The audio played and he was surly singing Marvin.
“He’s just singing.”
“Read the caption.”
I read. I heart emoji my candy. I MISS SWEETS cat emoji, crying emoji, crying emoji, crying emoji.
I wasn’t expecting this— is voice singing Marvin or the coded declaration of love. I started to tear up right in front of my son.
“I’m sorry, Ma.”
“Take this phone and go do your home work.”
Aaron hesitated but he left me alone. I got my own cell phone and went to Jagger’s Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Tik Tok accounts. I couldn’t help myself. He had posted it to all of them. I listened to him sing the song six times. I was so unhappy with myself that I went into the kitchen and eat twenty-four Oreo cookies.
JAGGER
Was I proud of my behavior? No. Did I regret the things I said? Yes. Was there anything I could do about it? I didn’t know the answer to that question.
After she was gone I knew I fucked up. After that first hit I knew I wanted more— drugs. I called David after I was locked in the hotel room with Archie, Winston, and Colin standing guard. I did relapse but my mates wouldn’t let me take a piss by my lonesome. They forced me to detox. It was horrible.
After I talked to David he told me to fly to him. He picked me up from the airport and drove me back to Galena. This time was going to be different he said and he was right. There was no Kat. It was just me and my demons. Of course I felt like a failure. I failed at sobriety and I failed at the only relationship with the woman I loved. I wonder if these were the same feeling my father had. Could this be why took his own life. I had a heightened level of sympathy for
