Part of the recovery process was making amends with people you wronged. I had a list. I tried to call Kat right away. There was no answer. She had me blocked. I had other ways to reach her and I soon learned her son had me blocked too. I started sending gifts to her house. I spent a lot of time online shopping while I was at Dr. David’s. I bought stuff and sent it to Katrina’s house in Naperville. I was only three hours from her but it felt like I was across the pond.
I thought about getting Katrina back more than I ever thought about doing drugs. I noticed that right away. Why was I such a shitty person? I needed to donate to at least four charities to wash the selfish entitled arsehole off of me. I needed a lot of therapy and that’s just what I got from David.
On the twenty-first day I was done. It was up to me to stay sober. I couldn’t use my childhood trauma, as an excuse to lash out, be a jerk or do drugs.
I drove from Galena to Naperville in a rental. I pulled up to Katrina’s house a little after noontime. I parked in her driveway. Her truck was outside so maybe that meant she was home. I got out the car and went to the front door. I rang her bell. I knocked. After a few seconds she opened the door. Her face told me she expected someone else.
She was wearing tight multi-colored exercise pants and a long pink sleeveless t-shirt without a bra. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a messy ball. No make-up, no shoes. She looked younger than me.
“What are you doing here?”
“I was in the neighborhood.”
She rolled her eyes. I was just happy she was looking directly at me.
“Were you expecting someone else?”
She pursed her lips. “FedEx, U.P.S, Amazon, U.S.P.S.”
“Right.” I ordered a lot of stuff. “Kat, I tried to call you. You blocked my number.”
“I did.”
“You blocked Winston’s number.”
“I did. Jagger, I’m tired. What do you want?”
“I wanted to apologize in person.”
“Great, apology accepted. You did it. Bravo.”
Her sarcasm and wit were traits I loved about her. Hope she didn’t seriously think I was going to leave.
“Can I please come inside?”
“You don’t have to come in to say whatever you have to say. You apologized I accepted. That’s it and that’s all.”
“I have more to say.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Say it to someone that gives a shit.”
“I deserve this. I do. I’m a terrible person. I’m really fucking stupid that’s apparently something I’ve come to grips with.”
“I do not care.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“Stand out here forever then.”
“I know where you keep your hidden key.”
She went from mad to pissed. “If you use a key to enter my house I will call the police.”
“Seriously? You would do that to me?”
She blew air from her perfect lips. “Yes, I would do it. You’re White. They are not going to accidentally shoot you.”
That was probably true but not the route I was trying to take. “I need five minutes.”
“For what?” She crossed her arms under her breasts. “Do you want something back?”
“Something back?”
“Just ask for it, so I can give it to you.”
“If you’re referring to anything I gifted you that’s just ludicrous. I’m not here to take back gifts.”
“Not sure why after four weeks you’re here.” She was keeping track.
“I can explain if you let me inside for five minutes.”
“I’m not going to act like I was under the influence when I said those things. It was all lies. Lies I babbled to bloody drive you away. In my mind, at the time, it made sense to me. I didn’t want you to see me using. I was going to use again. I do not want you to see it.”
“Did you do more drugs when you kicked me out?”
“No, but I intended to but my mates held me hostage. They wouldn’t let me leave. I haven’t touched anything since that day.”
“I’m happy for you.”
“I messed up so bad. I handled everything like a child. I have a lot of growing up to do.”
“Okay.”
“But, I want you back. I want us back.”
“No.”
“Please, I would do anything.”
“No, I’m not going to go through anything like that ever again. You are right. Your life and my life don’t mix.”
“Kat, no please. I love you. I want all the plans we had. I want out future.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
“No, I’m not going to accept that.”
“You have to.”
Fuck! I was crying. Shit! “Katrina?” Begging was a thing I’d seen others to and clearly I wasn’t above it. “Please.”
“Shot crying!”
“I love you, Katrina. Please.”
“Stop, don’t do this.” One tear rolled down her cheek. “Leave please.”
No warning at all. She tried to close the door in my face. I was too quick. My reflexes were unmatched. I pushed the door open and forced my way inside. I kicked the door shut before she could run. I had both of her arms in my hands. I lifted her off of her feet and twirled her around until her back hit the wall. I put her on her feet and pushed my body into hers.
“You promised you would never leave me.” I waited and she didn’t say anything. She just looked up at me. “What the fuck are you doing? I love you.” I was holding her arms to tight and when I realized it I swiftly let her go. I rested my hands on the walls on the sides of her face.
“Kat, you don’t love me anymore?” I thought it was a legitimate question since I was madly in love with her and I’d
