“Well that’s to be expected.”
“But once the pain faded, it was – amazing. Beyond amazing, Gabs,” I tell her. “I’ve never come that hard before.”
She lets out a small squeal of delight before lowering her voice and leaning forward conspiratorially. She’s got a wicked smile on her face and a mischievous glint in her eye – and I somehow just know what the next question is going to be.
“Is he big?” she almost whispers.
I grin and feel my cheeks flaring with heat. Sometimes she is way too easy to read – and she says I’m the predictable one.
“Yeah. And thick. Better than that though, he’s an incredibly generous lover,” I confirm quietly. “Not that I have a lot to compare to, but he made me feel so good Gabs.”
“I think I might swoon,” she groans. “Seriously, I might just swoon right now.”
“Go ahead, I’ve never actually seen somebody swoon before,” I urge her. “I’m curious to know what it looks like.”
Gabby laughs. “I’m so happy for you, babe,” she says. “Seriously, it’s about damn time.”
I sigh and rake my fingers through my hair, feeling my stomach churning. I purse my lips and try to find a way to articulate my thoughts but can’t find the right words.
“What’s bothering you about it, hon?” Gabby asks.
I stare at her completely deadpan for a moment. “Ummm… well, the fact that I slept with Sawyer, for one thing.”
“The fact that you did tells me that you are a lot more into him than you told me,” she points out. “Maybe even more than you realized yourself.”
I shake my head. “I was caught up in the moment, and I’d probably had too much to drink.”
“Yeah, you said that already,” Gabby smirks. “I’m still not buying it.”
“What? Why not?”
“Because I know you. And you are one of the most tightly controlled people who has ever walked the Earth,” she tells me. “You didn’t have too much to drink unless you wanted to – which tells me it was for a reason. And perhaps that reason was to get yourself to relax enough to sleep with Sawyer because you wanted to sleep with him.”
I open my mouth to object but can’t force the words out. Instead, I sit there gaping at her like a fish out of water, my mouth opening and closing stupidly. She’s not wrong that I am a very tightly controlled person. I don’t do anything – and I mean anything – unless I want to do it. I’m not somebody who will ever be pressured or coerced into doing something I don’t want to do. And that includes drinking.
I can count the number of times I’ve been drunk on one hand and still have fingers left over. I don’t like the feeling of being out of control of myself. And I’ve never had any sort of sexual encounter that I didn’t want. I also control how far I go and when we stop – which is usually well short of even getting naked together. The point is I never do anything I don’t want to do.
Which means that, yeah, I probably slept with Sawyer because I wanted to. It was easier letting myself believe it was the emotion of the day along with the alcohol I consumed. Having to admit that deep down, it’s something I really wanted – that it wasn’t just being caught up in the moment – means I’m going to have to not just admit to but confront the facts. And the facts can only mean that I have a genuine emotional attachment to Sawyer. It’s no longer an abstract thought or concept – the aches and soreness deep within me confirm the reality of it all.
And that scares me. I’ve been trying to blame it on the emotion or the alcohol, but to acknowledge that I wanted it to happen, that I wanted to sleep with him, means that I have to confront the real feelings I have for him. It makes it real – which is when people start getting hurt. And by people, of course, I mean me. I know if I open up and give my heart to Sawyer, it’s only going to end up getting trampled on and set on fire. That’s just the way my love life has been.
“Face it Berlin, you are crazy about this guy,” Gabby presses.
I shake my head. “I can’t be, Gabs,” I tell her. “I have too much going on right now.”
“You’re always going to have a lot going on, hon. There is no ideal time,” she shrugs. “You have to carve time out for yourself.”
“Easy to say,” I comment. “Not so easy to put into practice.”
She takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “Honey, listen to me. I know you have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and all, but we only have one go around in life,” she urges. “I don’t want you to spend it alone. I want to see you blissfully happy and living your best life. And of course, having all the incredibly mind-blowing, body-rocking sex you want.”
I give her a wan smile. “I’m not alone – I’ve got you.”
“You know what I mean,” she laughs. “Stop being so obtuse.”
“I’m not. I’m just acknowledging the reality of my life right now.”
“You’re making excuses to continue hiding yourself away,” she says pointedly.
“I am not.”
“Answer me this, Berlin,” she demands. “Do you care about Sawyer?”
I lean back in my seat and chew on my bottom lip. That’s not an easy question for me to answer since it’s not nearly as black and white as Gabby seems to think it is.
“It’s… complicated, Gabs,” I finally admit.
“It’s actually not,” she retorts. “You either care about him, or you don’t. It’s a simple question.”
“Gabby, with everything –”
“Tsk, tsk, tsk.” She wags her finger at me. “I’m not asking about everything else. All I’m asking is whether you care about him or not.”
I look down at the table, my mind
