But I can ignore all of that – for the most part. What’s really gotten to me is that Sawyer seems to take a particular delight in needling and picking at me. He teases me relentlessly and seems to enjoy doing everything he can to get under my skin – and after a few weeks of that, I’ve had enough.
“What’s so bad about working here?” he presses.
“Other than you acting like a teenage boy with a crush?” I growl. “I swear to God, I’m half-convinced you’re going to start pulling my hair and throwing things at me to get my attention.”
“I have not,” he laughs. “But if you’d like me to pull your hair, we can arrange that.”
“Sawyer, you’ve been acting like a child.”
He really has. He’ll ask for me to come to his office at random times just to tell me he wanted to see me. He makes obscene gestures to me when nobody’s looking. I’ve already had to warn him multiple times to cool it with the flirting in the office. That was a one-time deal, and the last thing he – or I – need is a sexual harassment suit. I don’t know if I’d ever actually sue him, but I like to keep it in my back pocket. Keeps him on his toes.
But even still, it’s like every day I have to pick up after children.
“Okay fine, maybe I’ve been having a little fun at your expense,” he grins. “My apologies. I like to keep things light around here, and I don’t want people taking themselves or the job too seriously.”
“Is that why there’s an empty office filled with pinatas?”
Sawyer laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world. “Leftovers from a birthday party,” he says. “I meant to have the janitors clean that out.”
I shake my head. “I just don’t get it. You present such a buttoned-up, serious image to the world,” I say. “Everything is so solemn and professional.”
“That’s the image my father crafted. Under him, this place ran like a military encampment,” he explains. “He made sure the trains all ran on time, the morale of the employees be damned.”
“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming.”
“Very perceptive of you. I agree with my father that that’s the image that needs to be projected to the world. It makes clients feel more at ease to know their projects are being handled seriously and by professionals,” he tells me. “But behind closed doors, I have a different philosophy.”
“Clearly.”
“While there certainly is a place for that drill sergeant mentality in this office, I believe too much of it breeds stagnation and stifles creativity – not to mention kills morale,” he explains. “I want this to be a place where people want to come work. I want people to enjoy their job. A happy and satisfied workforce produces at a higher level than offices that have a demoralized and beaten down workforce – that’s a scientific fact.”
“So you encourage this three-ring circus then?”
“Oh come on, Berlin,” he argues. “It’s not like people are swinging from the chandeliers or getting drunk and setting things on fire out there.”
“Pretty close to it,” I counter. “I’ve never seen such a zoo in the workplace before.”
“I am very demanding and can be incredibly exacting. When there is work to do, I expect it to be done. You know this,” he goes on, almost taking it personally. “But so long as people are doing the work they’re being paid to do; I encourage them to enjoy themselves – so long as things don’t get out of hand. Believe it or not, there are certain lines that can never be crossed.”
“We may have different definitions of things getting out of hand.”
“We just may,” he replies. “It wouldn’t be the first time we didn’t agree on something, and I suspect it won’t be the last.”
“Oh, I guarantee it.”
He narrows his eyes, scrutinizing me for a moment. I shrink back into my seat, seeing that he’s upset. I see his brows furrowing, his jaw flexing, and know that I may be pushing him too hard. I’m just not used to this sort of clown car environment in the workplace.
But I know it’s more than that. I’m not mad at Sawyer for his antics so much, as I am mad at myself right now. I’ve got a lot going on, and I’m not handling it all particularly well. Sawyer and I have been spending a lot of time together, often going to dinner after work and spending some evenings together. But my dad is always in the back of my mind, which dulls the shine on things for me. He’s been having more bad days than good lately. I worry that it won’t be long before he’s gone completely. It’s a constant distraction and stress on me.
Added to that stress, I feel like I’m imposing on Nadia – though she argues otherwise – which puts added pressure on me. She tells me that she’s happy I’ve found somebody I enjoy spending time with – and I really do. I enjoy my time with Sawyer, away from this office. A lot. My feelings for him continue to grow, and that scares me because I don’t know what to do with it. I know he feels the same way, but with everything else going on, I haven’t been able to give myself over to him completely. It’s created a bit of a distance between us. I know it frustrates him.
But I know none of that even compares to the distance that’s been created by the fact that I still haven’t told him I’m pregnant. Oh, I’ve tried to a million times already. I have a speech in my head that I’ve practiced in front of a mirror so often, I can recite it by memory. But when it comes to working up the nerve to actually deliver the speech, I have failed every single time.
My failings and fears are what’s really gotten
