“What’s going on with you, Berlin?”
“What do you mean?” I snap.
“You just seem – off,” he notes. “I mean, I know you have a lot on your plate, but there’s something else. Something you’re not telling me.”
I still haven’t given him an answer to what really is a generous offer. I would never feel right about taking that kind of money, benefit or not – I saw what Rose Hills charges per month, and it’s more than I make even at the exorbitant salary I’m making as an employee at Compass. There is no way I’d ever be able to afford putting my father into a facility like that on my own.
There are a lot of benefits to taking Sawyer up on his offer – not the least of which is that I’d get to have a life. I’d get to spend more time with Sawyer and not have to worry about making sure I’m home to care for my dad. Plus, he’d get the sort of care and attention Nadia and I are completely incapable of giving him.
I have no idea what I’m going to do yet – and I vowed to myself that if I opted to accept Sawyer’s help, I wouldn’t do so until I told him about the baby. He’s eventually going to force a decision from me. I have a feeling that moment is coming soon, so I need to find a way to suck it up and tell him. It’s only fair – and right – that he has all the facts and knows he’s going to be a father before I start accepting money from him.
“What is it, Berlin?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I mutter, looking away.
He arches an eyebrow at me. “You don’t?”
My stomach churns and roils, matching what’s going on with my heart. My throat is dry, but my palms are suddenly sweaty. He’s looking at me with a mix of confusion and worry on his face. He knows I’m hiding something, but he doesn’t know what. This is the moment where I have to decide what to do. Now is the moment I need to make a decision – be a grown-up and tackle this head-on, albeit a bit late, or keep hiding and acting like the child I’ve just railed on Sawyer for being.
Neither option sounds particularly good to me right now.
“I really noticed it the night you came over to tell me you were going to take the job,” he says. “I saw it in your eyes – there’s something going on, but you’re not telling me.”
I sigh and tug on the ends of my hair as I look down at the tops of my shoes. I open my mouth but quickly close it again, not trusting myself to speak in the moment.
“I’ve given you space, Berlin. I haven’t wanted to press or try to solve your problems for you,” he goes on, his tone growing as serious as his expression. “I’ve been waiting for you to come talk to me about whatever’s on your mind. But it seems kind of clear you’re not going to. Not on your own anyway. So please, talk to me.”
I open my mouth but still can’t find my voice. I know the next words that come out of my mouth will alter both of our lives forever, and I don’t want to just blurt it out. I want what I say to be right – whatever that means. But as I try to organize my thoughts, all I see is a jumble of disconnected words that have no meaning whatsoever. Nothing in my head is making sense right now, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to force it to.
“Berlin, you can talk to me. Whatever it is, I’m here to listen,” he urges me. “And whatever it is, we’ll figure it out together.”
I raise my head and look him in the eye, my stomach churning so wildly, I’m half-afraid I’m going to vomit on his desk.
But I have to tell him. I have to. No more waiting. No more excuses.
“Sawyer, I’m pregnant.”
So much for not just blurting it out. I might as well have vomited on his desk for all the grace and care I used in informing him that his world is about to be turned upside down. He leans back in his seat, eyes wide, mouth hanging open, a look of stunned disbelief on his face. After several long minutes of just staring at me, Sawyer gives himself a small shake and leans forward again.
“Say again?” His voice is weak and hoarse.
“I’m pregnant,” I repeat. “I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I –”
He laughs softly and runs a hand through his hair. “Blunt is fine,” he stammers. “There really is no delicate way to drop a bomb like that.”
Judging by the way he’s acting, I can tell he is already going into self-defense and preservation mode. His demeanor turns cool, and it feels like he’s building the walls around him and closing the gate. Shutting me out. It sets off a hot flare of anger inside of me. But more than the anger, the sudden cold front emanating from him makes me feel like I’m stranded on an island. Utterly alone.
I don’t know what I expected him to say or do. But I didn’t expect that he’d make me feel so isolated and alone with this. We’ve been growing so close. I thought we were building something special between us – something with a future. But now? Now, I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling – and it’s a crushing blow.
All of a sudden, it feels like there is a yawning chasm between us, and the longer
